I am so thankful for my crazy hair brain mother. Our relationship is crazy, its different. It has had its ups and downs. There have been times when I have been ashamed of her, where we've fought more than we've loved. But at the end of the day she is my mother and I love her dearly. As I get older I know that I've said things that have hurt her and I know she can't change some of the decisions she has made, but together we have to move past them.
Last night I found out I that I failed three of the six comprehensive exams I have for grad school. And I freaked. With this new age of technology and my mother's hearing problems I texted her to tell her the outcome. And of course I was upset so I went to worst case scenario and said I could fail out of grad school next week.
And this is what I got back: I don't think that will happen, you are smart. You just have too much pressure on you. I have faith you will make it :)
And I cried like a baby. She can still fix anything. Even through a text message. Even though most of the time I act like at 25 I have everything so together that I don't need anything from my parents, I needed that. But sometimes I need her in my corner, telling me that regardless of what happens, I can do this.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
The little things in life
I will be honest, sometimes I do things in my life sometimes for my own selfish glory, but lately I've found myself doing things more and more for God, and for those around me. To some degree I've always done more for others than for myself. I almost never wonder if I'm going to get recognized for what I do, I do it because I love it. Because it makes me feel alive.
But then there are times when you get messages like these. This is from one of the girls in my small group (see my last post):
Honestly, I was highly upset to hear that Sandy would be leaving the youth group; It was another reason why i took so long to come back.. When I returned to the youth group , there is this(tall) woman there sitting at denise's table.i was kinda distant at first because I was still butt hurt by the whole sandy thing and to me it was like oh great, now i have to share with someone else..
you know how the saying goes:when a door closes,a window opens somewhere else? you are my window!!When I think of it now, im like:im glad sandy left us because if not, i would have never gotten the chance to meet you.you and denise have both been inspirations for me to keep pushing on.i feel like i relate to you and it makes it that much easier to understand god's desires and plans for me through you.i can't thank you enough for all you've done for me.i have been blessed.
so in case i don't get the chance tomorrow,i would like to say i am thankful for you :)
love much, cynthia
Moments like these that you treasure. Moments like these make you realize that there is more to this life than yourself. Moments like these that you know you are exactly where you are supposed to be to help spread the glory and love of God.
But then there are times when you get messages like these. This is from one of the girls in my small group (see my last post):
Honestly, I was highly upset to hear that Sandy would be leaving the youth group; It was another reason why i took so long to come back.. When I returned to the youth group , there is this(tall) woman there sitting at denise's table.i was kinda distant at first because I was still butt hurt by the whole sandy thing and to me it was like oh great, now i have to share with someone else..
you know how the saying goes:when a door closes,a window opens somewhere else? you are my window!!When I think of it now, im like:im glad sandy left us because if not, i would have never gotten the chance to meet you.you and denise have both been inspirations for me to keep pushing on.i feel like i relate to you and it makes it that much easier to understand god's desires and plans for me through you.i can't thank you enough for all you've done for me.i have been blessed.
so in case i don't get the chance tomorrow,i would like to say i am thankful for you :)
love much, cynthia
Moments like these that you treasure. Moments like these make you realize that there is more to this life than yourself. Moments like these that you know you are exactly where you are supposed to be to help spread the glory and love of God.
Monday, November 15, 2010
The girls of the class of 2013
Its funny when you realize one decision can change your life. That there are times in our life when God opens a door and you are hesitant to walk through it. But when you look back you know that is exactly where you were supposed to be, and that every step along the way has lead you to that moment. This is a story of my journey with saying yes to a question I felt I wanted to run from. But instead I walked through the open door.
I will never forget the day that I was asked if I would consider working with high school ministry. I could hear myself saying yes but inside I was completely freaking out. How was I supposed to help high school students on their walk with God? I hadn't been a Christian long enough and I definitely hadn't been walking with God long enough to be able to teach anyone anything.
I will never forget the first time I met the girls from the class of 2013. I realized a short time later that I was ten years their senior and when I would be celebrating my 10 year class reunion when they would be graduating from high school. I was terrified the first time I met them but I left feeling different. I felt at home. I'm not sure if that had something to do with the amazing co leader God had put me with or all the young energetic faces I found around the table that night.
That night was over 8 months ago, and it seems like such a distant memory. Now Wednesday nights have such a different meaning. They represent a time when I come to minister to young adults but more often than not I am left with my heart filled with more love and compassion than I came with.
I think back to myself 10 years ago at the age of 15 and I wish I knew half of the things I know now. But since I do I wanted to tell these amazing girls something. I pray that you wake up every day and thank God for all of the blessings in your life, good or bad, small or big. That you remember that every day is a gift. That you take time to get to know the people at school that you might not give a second glance to. That you remember that you don't have to have everything figured out by now. That everyday is a journey in self discovery and discovery of who the person God wants you to be.
These girls are amazing, they are beautiful, they are full of life and laughter. They have changed my life is ways I never thought a group of high-schoolers ever could. And I know the day may come that I may leave this amazing group of girls but part of my heart will always be with them.
They have taught me more about life, love, forgiveness, joy, laughter, and compassion than I have learned in my entire 25 years on this earth. And I thank God everyday that he opened this door and that I had enough sense to walk through it.
I will never forget the day that I was asked if I would consider working with high school ministry. I could hear myself saying yes but inside I was completely freaking out. How was I supposed to help high school students on their walk with God? I hadn't been a Christian long enough and I definitely hadn't been walking with God long enough to be able to teach anyone anything.
I will never forget the first time I met the girls from the class of 2013. I realized a short time later that I was ten years their senior and when I would be celebrating my 10 year class reunion when they would be graduating from high school. I was terrified the first time I met them but I left feeling different. I felt at home. I'm not sure if that had something to do with the amazing co leader God had put me with or all the young energetic faces I found around the table that night.
That night was over 8 months ago, and it seems like such a distant memory. Now Wednesday nights have such a different meaning. They represent a time when I come to minister to young adults but more often than not I am left with my heart filled with more love and compassion than I came with.
I think back to myself 10 years ago at the age of 15 and I wish I knew half of the things I know now. But since I do I wanted to tell these amazing girls something. I pray that you wake up every day and thank God for all of the blessings in your life, good or bad, small or big. That you remember that every day is a gift. That you take time to get to know the people at school that you might not give a second glance to. That you remember that you don't have to have everything figured out by now. That everyday is a journey in self discovery and discovery of who the person God wants you to be.
These girls are amazing, they are beautiful, they are full of life and laughter. They have changed my life is ways I never thought a group of high-schoolers ever could. And I know the day may come that I may leave this amazing group of girls but part of my heart will always be with them.
They have taught me more about life, love, forgiveness, joy, laughter, and compassion than I have learned in my entire 25 years on this earth. And I thank God everyday that he opened this door and that I had enough sense to walk through it.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Praying in the car
So today I got up extra early to have my butt kicked by my trainer at the gym and I loved every moment. Then I got in the car started my drive back to Reedley. I found myself half way home, crying my eyes out, fighting back blinding tears. And here is the story behind them.
In more recent moments over the course of the last 5 or so months of my life, the car has become my place of solace. To be honest the chaos that is this world its where I have the most intimate conversations with God. Crazy I know right? Most would think those conversations would happen before you go to bed, or in your bedroom tucked away from the rest of the world. But I do my talking in the car.
The lead singer of one of my most favorite bands (10th Ave North) describes his talks with God as thought you are talking to a friend. Gut wrenching, heart breaking and honest. So today my talk with God was honest, it was heart breaking and it was hard to say through the tears.
I've been waiting since my 2nd interview on Monday to hear back if I got the job. I decided against my better judgment to call yesterday afternoon because they had said they would have a decision Wednesday. I struggle with patience and I went ahead though in retrospect, I should have just waited. This particular agency outsources their Human Resources and in doing so I have had to work with them. They were not in the interviews on Monday so I assumed they had turned the reins over to the agency. So I called my potential employer and asked if they had made a decision. Turns out Wednesday was their deadline to get their notes to the HR company to make the decision.
I got off the phone feeling like such an idiot, I should have just listened to the voice in my head and not called. So impatient sometimes! Sitting in the middle of the library at Fresno State I broke into tears. I'm not sure if it was the combination of working on my comprehensive exams, and the job situation that sent me over the edge.
I found myself home last night and I was angry. For the first time since this whole situation has started I was mad. I was mad at God, at the situation and at the whole process. I was mad that so far after over 50 applications and 12 interviews no one has offered me a job. I was mad that I lost my job in the first place. I was mad that the state of California cannot seem to manage their money and they have to take it from hard working cities such as Reedley. And I was mad that there seems to be a lack of sensitivity from almost every agency I have applied, and a lackadaisical approach to hiring. Hello people! I am unemployed not just out searching for jobs for the fun of it.
When I was growing up and even in college dealing with my family and my mom in rehab I would get so upset and angry I would throw things just to watch them break. I would pick the closest thing to me and chuck it, in any direction, and watch it shatter. In the moment it always made me feel better, but then I was left cleaning up the mess. I realized last night that I hadn't thrown anything in a really long time, I hadn't thrown something to watch it break since I had really trusted and walked with God. Not that I feel I've gotten any better at the decisions I've made along the way but I have learned to channel my anger, and to ask God for help and relief. I could have asked last night but I decided not to, I wanted to wallow in my pity party.
So instead this morning I let it all out. In the car. My place to be vulnerable, to be mad, to be upset. And to cry like a little kid. And after I got out everything I wanted to say, I felt so much better.
In more recent moments over the course of the last 5 or so months of my life, the car has become my place of solace. To be honest the chaos that is this world its where I have the most intimate conversations with God. Crazy I know right? Most would think those conversations would happen before you go to bed, or in your bedroom tucked away from the rest of the world. But I do my talking in the car.
The lead singer of one of my most favorite bands (10th Ave North) describes his talks with God as thought you are talking to a friend. Gut wrenching, heart breaking and honest. So today my talk with God was honest, it was heart breaking and it was hard to say through the tears.
I've been waiting since my 2nd interview on Monday to hear back if I got the job. I decided against my better judgment to call yesterday afternoon because they had said they would have a decision Wednesday. I struggle with patience and I went ahead though in retrospect, I should have just waited. This particular agency outsources their Human Resources and in doing so I have had to work with them. They were not in the interviews on Monday so I assumed they had turned the reins over to the agency. So I called my potential employer and asked if they had made a decision. Turns out Wednesday was their deadline to get their notes to the HR company to make the decision.
I got off the phone feeling like such an idiot, I should have just listened to the voice in my head and not called. So impatient sometimes! Sitting in the middle of the library at Fresno State I broke into tears. I'm not sure if it was the combination of working on my comprehensive exams, and the job situation that sent me over the edge.
I found myself home last night and I was angry. For the first time since this whole situation has started I was mad. I was mad at God, at the situation and at the whole process. I was mad that so far after over 50 applications and 12 interviews no one has offered me a job. I was mad that I lost my job in the first place. I was mad that the state of California cannot seem to manage their money and they have to take it from hard working cities such as Reedley. And I was mad that there seems to be a lack of sensitivity from almost every agency I have applied, and a lackadaisical approach to hiring. Hello people! I am unemployed not just out searching for jobs for the fun of it.
When I was growing up and even in college dealing with my family and my mom in rehab I would get so upset and angry I would throw things just to watch them break. I would pick the closest thing to me and chuck it, in any direction, and watch it shatter. In the moment it always made me feel better, but then I was left cleaning up the mess. I realized last night that I hadn't thrown anything in a really long time, I hadn't thrown something to watch it break since I had really trusted and walked with God. Not that I feel I've gotten any better at the decisions I've made along the way but I have learned to channel my anger, and to ask God for help and relief. I could have asked last night but I decided not to, I wanted to wallow in my pity party.
So instead this morning I let it all out. In the car. My place to be vulnerable, to be mad, to be upset. And to cry like a little kid. And after I got out everything I wanted to say, I felt so much better.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Things I am thankful for
I've realized in the last few weeks after many job interviews and many rejections that I had been in a sort of I hate life mode. And everyone in it sort of slump. That nothing in my life was good enough. But that is not who I am or who I want to be. I realized that I haven't told God thank you in a while. That I haven't said thank you for everything good or bad.
So here is my list:
I'm thankful that my birth mom loved me enough to give me up.
I'm thankful that my parents, though they have their own issues, have loved me in their own ways unconditionally since the day they brought me home from the hospital.
I'm thankful for my Gma. She has been my rock. When I get the chance to go home (I'm headed up there tomorrow!) I'm reminded that on County Road 25 I can be 7 again.
I'm thankful for my amazing friends. The one's that have loved me unconditionally.
I'm thankful for my ability to get my bachelor's and my master's degree.
I'm thankful for God's grace, mercy and love. That no matter what I do He is always there with arm's wide open.
I'm thankful when I wake up in the morning.
I'm thankful that tomorrow is a new day.
I'm thankful for the amazing people that have walked into my life in the last few years.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. :)
So here is my list:
I'm thankful that my birth mom loved me enough to give me up.
I'm thankful that my parents, though they have their own issues, have loved me in their own ways unconditionally since the day they brought me home from the hospital.
I'm thankful for my Gma. She has been my rock. When I get the chance to go home (I'm headed up there tomorrow!) I'm reminded that on County Road 25 I can be 7 again.
I'm thankful for my amazing friends. The one's that have loved me unconditionally.
I'm thankful for my ability to get my bachelor's and my master's degree.
I'm thankful for God's grace, mercy and love. That no matter what I do He is always there with arm's wide open.
I'm thankful when I wake up in the morning.
I'm thankful that tomorrow is a new day.
I'm thankful for the amazing people that have walked into my life in the last few years.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. :)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Trying to contain my excitement
I said I wasn't going to do this. I wasn't going to start apartment searching, and looking at the surrounding cities and day dreaming of living there. But I'm ready. I'm ready to put everything in a u-haul and drive for over 1,300 miles to the town of Trophy Club, Texas.
I know its nuts right. Texas. I've never lived in another state. And here I am 25, single, unemployed and possibly jetting out on the most amazing adventure of my life. It feels like the next chapter is around the corner and I am ready. No what ifs, no I wonder if this happens, just ready and willing to go if the door is open.
Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow I find out if I made the top 2. If I make the top 2 I fly to Texas for my 2nd interview.
And if the call is not what I'm expecting then I will delete the bookmarks of apartments, stop staring at the town square and I will move on. But for today I will dream and dream big, at this point anything is possible.
I know its nuts right. Texas. I've never lived in another state. And here I am 25, single, unemployed and possibly jetting out on the most amazing adventure of my life. It feels like the next chapter is around the corner and I am ready. No what ifs, no I wonder if this happens, just ready and willing to go if the door is open.
Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow I find out if I made the top 2. If I make the top 2 I fly to Texas for my 2nd interview.
And if the call is not what I'm expecting then I will delete the bookmarks of apartments, stop staring at the town square and I will move on. But for today I will dream and dream big, at this point anything is possible.
Friday, October 1, 2010
This life
Today is October 1st. Today is also the start of month four of this journey down the life of the unemployed. And for the first time in a long time, doubt crept up in my thoughts as I went about my day. I even found myself crying in the car after leaving the Community Center today.
Over the course of the last three months I have ventured back to the Community Center to visit and chat with my former coworkers and I have enjoyed each visit. I enjoyed it today as I recorded a goodbye to a wonderful former coworker who is retiring after 38 years of service to the City.
But I guess the fact that I have applied to nearly 30 places, have yet to get a job, and have no concrete answer to what the future holds, the ugly beast that is doubt crept up on me today. I think the tears flowed because I hate how much I took for granted when I was working. I took for granted the amount of money that was direct deposited into my account every other week, the great relationships I had with my coworkers and bosses, and the work that I got to do each day. I never had a time line of when I would leave but in the back of my mind I always thought I would leave first, that another window of opportunity would open and I would leave to further my career. Not that I would be left standing with the door shutting behind me.
Funny what you realize when where you end up is no where near the plans you had filed under the folder labeled "future". I think that was a rude awakening for me today, even though its been months. The realization that this life is not planned by me or by what I do, and no matter how much I try I can't control today, let alone tomorrow.
Doubt is ugly because it leaves you questioning where you are today, the decisions you are making and what you are doing. I have to keep remembering that life goes through seasons, and just like summer and this 100 degree heat I would like to move onto the next season. Maybe with the changing of the weather will come a change in the path of my life, and a job that I would desperately love to have.
I look back over the course of my life and I see all these situations in which God took control and I was thrust on a path that led me to where I am today. If he hadn't pushed me onto a certain path I wouldn't have grown into who I am today. I continue to pray that this life and season and moment will be one I can look back on and say: If i hadn't lost my job in Reedley I wouldn't have ended up here. Wherever here is I hope I find myself there soon.
Over the course of the last three months I have ventured back to the Community Center to visit and chat with my former coworkers and I have enjoyed each visit. I enjoyed it today as I recorded a goodbye to a wonderful former coworker who is retiring after 38 years of service to the City.
But I guess the fact that I have applied to nearly 30 places, have yet to get a job, and have no concrete answer to what the future holds, the ugly beast that is doubt crept up on me today. I think the tears flowed because I hate how much I took for granted when I was working. I took for granted the amount of money that was direct deposited into my account every other week, the great relationships I had with my coworkers and bosses, and the work that I got to do each day. I never had a time line of when I would leave but in the back of my mind I always thought I would leave first, that another window of opportunity would open and I would leave to further my career. Not that I would be left standing with the door shutting behind me.
Funny what you realize when where you end up is no where near the plans you had filed under the folder labeled "future". I think that was a rude awakening for me today, even though its been months. The realization that this life is not planned by me or by what I do, and no matter how much I try I can't control today, let alone tomorrow.
Doubt is ugly because it leaves you questioning where you are today, the decisions you are making and what you are doing. I have to keep remembering that life goes through seasons, and just like summer and this 100 degree heat I would like to move onto the next season. Maybe with the changing of the weather will come a change in the path of my life, and a job that I would desperately love to have.
I look back over the course of my life and I see all these situations in which God took control and I was thrust on a path that led me to where I am today. If he hadn't pushed me onto a certain path I wouldn't have grown into who I am today. I continue to pray that this life and season and moment will be one I can look back on and say: If i hadn't lost my job in Reedley I wouldn't have ended up here. Wherever here is I hope I find myself there soon.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Random facts
1. I love coffee in any form. Mostly though as an iced coffee with 2 pumps of both mocha and white mocha in the summer, and an extra hot mocha in the winter.
2. Over the last 6 months my life has completely been turned upside down and I have come to realize "the plan" is no doing of my own.
3. I'm extremely claustrophobic but have been spelunking.
4. I've never been more excited to see what the future holds.
5. In almost exactly EIGHT months I will be done with grad school. Less than TWO months until I work on the comps. My heart stops momentarily every time I think about it.
6. I love my friends dearly and am so grateful to have them in my life.
7. I never realized how close you could get to God when things feel like they may never change, that you may be stuck in a certain situation forever. But a little light shines down and you feel a peace and you know that some how everything is going to be o.k.
8. I love working on any sort of project (minus yard work) and watching it go from start to finish.
9. At some point in my life I would like to live in the middle of no where.
10. Life is full of ups and downs, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
2. Over the last 6 months my life has completely been turned upside down and I have come to realize "the plan" is no doing of my own.
3. I'm extremely claustrophobic but have been spelunking.
4. I've never been more excited to see what the future holds.
5. In almost exactly EIGHT months I will be done with grad school. Less than TWO months until I work on the comps. My heart stops momentarily every time I think about it.
6. I love my friends dearly and am so grateful to have them in my life.
7. I never realized how close you could get to God when things feel like they may never change, that you may be stuck in a certain situation forever. But a little light shines down and you feel a peace and you know that some how everything is going to be o.k.
8. I love working on any sort of project (minus yard work) and watching it go from start to finish.
9. At some point in my life I would like to live in the middle of no where.
10. Life is full of ups and downs, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Thoughts
So here is an update of my life in its current state :)
I have a phone interview tomorrow morning at 10a.m. with a city called Trophy Club in the good 'ol state of Texas. I'm excited to see what comes of it. It amazes me that any of these interviews could turn into a job in a blink of an eye.
Still sending in applications. Yesterday: Fair Oaks, Ca. Today; DeSoto, Tx.
I took a glorious 1.5 hour nap today and loved every minute of it.
I'm heading back home next weekend to see the girls and the Grandma. I couldn't be more thrilled. I'm excited to hang out, see my friends and family and take a moment.
I finished all my readings for this Thursday's class on Tuesday night. Go me. The paper due next Thursday: haven't even started. Ah the procrastination.
Speaking of procrastination: I checked out 10 books for my research paper but have yet to start my outline.
I started walking with Karen in the morning. My drive to exercise got lost along the way. To think last year at this time I was training for a half marathon. I'm pretty sure if I tried to run more than a few feet I would have to be taken to the hospital.
So that is the excitement in my life. Hope everyone is having a great week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a phone interview tomorrow morning at 10a.m. with a city called Trophy Club in the good 'ol state of Texas. I'm excited to see what comes of it. It amazes me that any of these interviews could turn into a job in a blink of an eye.
Still sending in applications. Yesterday: Fair Oaks, Ca. Today; DeSoto, Tx.
I took a glorious 1.5 hour nap today and loved every minute of it.
I'm heading back home next weekend to see the girls and the Grandma. I couldn't be more thrilled. I'm excited to hang out, see my friends and family and take a moment.
I finished all my readings for this Thursday's class on Tuesday night. Go me. The paper due next Thursday: haven't even started. Ah the procrastination.
Speaking of procrastination: I checked out 10 books for my research paper but have yet to start my outline.
I started walking with Karen in the morning. My drive to exercise got lost along the way. To think last year at this time I was training for a half marathon. I'm pretty sure if I tried to run more than a few feet I would have to be taken to the hospital.
So that is the excitement in my life. Hope everyone is having a great week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Humble Pie
These are the questions that have been running though my head since yesterday:
Where is my unemployment check?
How am going to pay the rest of my bills for the end of August when I only have $30?
When am I going to catch a break and feel like I can breathe again?
I've been waiting for my unemployment check since last Thursday and was starting to wonder if the change of address and the temp job had affected things. And I got a letter yesterday stating that my benefits have been delayed until they speak with me during an eligibility interview next Tuesday. Seriously?
I'm writing this post in Starbucks, trying very very very hard not to cry. I can feel my tear ducts welling up. I hate hard lessons, I hate not having idea what my next step is. I wish sometimes that hard lessons came with a handbook. And they don't. The only thing they come with are hard pills to swallow and the chance to cry out to Jesus and pray for guidance and direction.
But of course in the midst of my pity party God always finds a way to put a lesson in front of me and yesterday he put two.
The first is this: Every once in a while MTV actually has decent shows on (gasp!) And yesterday they had an episode of True Life. Most times when I watch this show I know that real people are experiencing this and while I feel bad for then I have no real idea what they are going through.
I watched two episodes: I'm a teenager and I'm homeless, and I've got broke parents. Both of these shows tugged at my heartstrings. The first episode had a girl and her mom who were homeless and living in their car. She celebrated her 17 birthday living in a car, without anything to eat. The second episode had a dad who had lost his job in Flint, MI when the car industry collapsed. He was willing to work for $5 an hour but wasn't able to find any work to support himself or his kids.
And here I am with a roof over my head, a car to drive and food to eat and I'm complaining. And it took a second after my pity party to realize that things could always be worse. That everyday that I wake up to a new day is a day that I need to be grateful for. That I need to realize that I am closer to God than I have ever been because I have nothing to rely on but Him. That I cannot stand on my own to feet before I'm on my knees.
The second lesson yesterday came in the form of a worship song that I haven't heard in a long time, but last night it was exactly what I needed.
Here are the lyrics but check it out on youtube: Mercy Me - Bring the Rain
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Where is my unemployment check?
How am going to pay the rest of my bills for the end of August when I only have $30?
When am I going to catch a break and feel like I can breathe again?
I've been waiting for my unemployment check since last Thursday and was starting to wonder if the change of address and the temp job had affected things. And I got a letter yesterday stating that my benefits have been delayed until they speak with me during an eligibility interview next Tuesday. Seriously?
I'm writing this post in Starbucks, trying very very very hard not to cry. I can feel my tear ducts welling up. I hate hard lessons, I hate not having idea what my next step is. I wish sometimes that hard lessons came with a handbook. And they don't. The only thing they come with are hard pills to swallow and the chance to cry out to Jesus and pray for guidance and direction.
But of course in the midst of my pity party God always finds a way to put a lesson in front of me and yesterday he put two.
The first is this: Every once in a while MTV actually has decent shows on (gasp!) And yesterday they had an episode of True Life. Most times when I watch this show I know that real people are experiencing this and while I feel bad for then I have no real idea what they are going through.
I watched two episodes: I'm a teenager and I'm homeless, and I've got broke parents. Both of these shows tugged at my heartstrings. The first episode had a girl and her mom who were homeless and living in their car. She celebrated her 17 birthday living in a car, without anything to eat. The second episode had a dad who had lost his job in Flint, MI when the car industry collapsed. He was willing to work for $5 an hour but wasn't able to find any work to support himself or his kids.
And here I am with a roof over my head, a car to drive and food to eat and I'm complaining. And it took a second after my pity party to realize that things could always be worse. That everyday that I wake up to a new day is a day that I need to be grateful for. That I need to realize that I am closer to God than I have ever been because I have nothing to rely on but Him. That I cannot stand on my own to feet before I'm on my knees.
The second lesson yesterday came in the form of a worship song that I haven't heard in a long time, but last night it was exactly what I needed.
Here are the lyrics but check it out on youtube: Mercy Me - Bring the Rain
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Friday, September 3, 2010
We're your people
The title of my post was from a text between me and my dear friend Miranda. I will admit I teared up. My life has been in the last three months nothing short of an emotional rollercoaster, so I could blame it on that. But in truth I think it made me tear up because I've come to realize the importance of true friends.
This week as I packed up my darling house on Stanley Ave in Reedley I had a chance to look at pictures I hadn't seen in a while. Many memories came flooding back from the last seven years, from my college years at Fresno State and even the times since. Though they were great times in my life and had a part in shaping who I am today I realized that I am completely different from the person I was 7 years ago. I have grown and in growing I realized that besides facebook I know little of what's going on in my friends lives. Life took over and for one reason or another we haven't talked or gotten together.
I've always heard my friend's parents say that your group of friends grows smaller as time goes on. In college I would have called that a lie, I thought for sure that all 20 of us would be friends forever. But for the most part we send a message on facebook and leave it at that. I'm not sure if I had stayed in that crowd if I would still be alive, but that is a story for another day.
Though this post sounds regretful its not. They say some friends are in your life for a season or a a reason and I feel that way about many of my friends from college.
But then there are friends like Miranda. Who write things like We're your people. And that is when I realized that my group of friends may being getting smaller as the years go by, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Friends like Miranda help me grow in my relationship with God, hold me accountable, keep me laughing and keep me sane. And I know that some friends come and go but I plan on holding onto this one for a very very long time.
She's my people :)
This week as I packed up my darling house on Stanley Ave in Reedley I had a chance to look at pictures I hadn't seen in a while. Many memories came flooding back from the last seven years, from my college years at Fresno State and even the times since. Though they were great times in my life and had a part in shaping who I am today I realized that I am completely different from the person I was 7 years ago. I have grown and in growing I realized that besides facebook I know little of what's going on in my friends lives. Life took over and for one reason or another we haven't talked or gotten together.
I've always heard my friend's parents say that your group of friends grows smaller as time goes on. In college I would have called that a lie, I thought for sure that all 20 of us would be friends forever. But for the most part we send a message on facebook and leave it at that. I'm not sure if I had stayed in that crowd if I would still be alive, but that is a story for another day.
Though this post sounds regretful its not. They say some friends are in your life for a season or a a reason and I feel that way about many of my friends from college.
But then there are friends like Miranda. Who write things like We're your people. And that is when I realized that my group of friends may being getting smaller as the years go by, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Friends like Miranda help me grow in my relationship with God, hold me accountable, keep me laughing and keep me sane. And I know that some friends come and go but I plan on holding onto this one for a very very long time.
She's my people :)
Friday, August 13, 2010
A moment
Sitting at the dining room table watching papers shuffle across from realtor to seller.
"This can't be happening!" She wants to scream. Instead she marks her initials, ML on the line marked seller.
She can feel the tears welling up as she tries her best to smile and sign, smile and sign. It seems hard to believe that a little over a year ago she was signing on the line marked buyer. And now here she is selling. She knows that this is just a home, but it is her first and she doesn't want to let it go.
Instead she wants to stand in her living room and shout and scream and throw a fit like a little kid. But instead she smiles and says thank you to her realtor and walks him to the door.
And then she does what any sensible 25 year old woman would do. She gets a glass of wine, and a brownie and settles down on the couch for a good cry. Tears streaming down her face, she can't seem to catch her breath. Scared because she has no idea what is around the corner, no idea what plan God has for her and it scares her. She looks around the room and remembers something her realtor said, "Escrow should close around the 3rd of September...." The 3rd of September? 3 weeks to pack up a year and half of memories? This wasn't supposed to be happening, she was supposed to be in this house for another 5 or 10 or 15 years. Not a year and a half.
And that is where she feels her panic setting in again. She's packing for what? To put her stuff in storage, live off unemployment and do what for the next several months and live where? Or is she packing to move to Tahoe?
She tries not to think about the possibilities but she can't help herself. She wants the job in Tahoe so bad she can feel it in her bones, but knows how tough the job market is. She's trying not to get her hopes up, trying not to imagine herself waking up to a view of the lake everyday. Or riding her bike along the Truckee River.
This summer she has learned to trust. To trust in God's plan. But right now she can't see two feet in front of her. But she remembers a good friend's piece of advice: you will come out of this a better, stronger woman. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, wipes her tears, and prays. Prays for peace and understanding, that no matter what happens she remembers she is alive, loved, and covered by grace. And though she has no idea what the future holds, she knows in the end it will all be worth it. And God's plan is better than anything she could of dreamed on her own.
"This can't be happening!" She wants to scream. Instead she marks her initials, ML on the line marked seller.
She can feel the tears welling up as she tries her best to smile and sign, smile and sign. It seems hard to believe that a little over a year ago she was signing on the line marked buyer. And now here she is selling. She knows that this is just a home, but it is her first and she doesn't want to let it go.
Instead she wants to stand in her living room and shout and scream and throw a fit like a little kid. But instead she smiles and says thank you to her realtor and walks him to the door.
And then she does what any sensible 25 year old woman would do. She gets a glass of wine, and a brownie and settles down on the couch for a good cry. Tears streaming down her face, she can't seem to catch her breath. Scared because she has no idea what is around the corner, no idea what plan God has for her and it scares her. She looks around the room and remembers something her realtor said, "Escrow should close around the 3rd of September...." The 3rd of September? 3 weeks to pack up a year and half of memories? This wasn't supposed to be happening, she was supposed to be in this house for another 5 or 10 or 15 years. Not a year and a half.
And that is where she feels her panic setting in again. She's packing for what? To put her stuff in storage, live off unemployment and do what for the next several months and live where? Or is she packing to move to Tahoe?
She tries not to think about the possibilities but she can't help herself. She wants the job in Tahoe so bad she can feel it in her bones, but knows how tough the job market is. She's trying not to get her hopes up, trying not to imagine herself waking up to a view of the lake everyday. Or riding her bike along the Truckee River.
This summer she has learned to trust. To trust in God's plan. But right now she can't see two feet in front of her. But she remembers a good friend's piece of advice: you will come out of this a better, stronger woman. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, wipes her tears, and prays. Prays for peace and understanding, that no matter what happens she remembers she is alive, loved, and covered by grace. And though she has no idea what the future holds, she knows in the end it will all be worth it. And God's plan is better than anything she could of dreamed on her own.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Crossroads
I'm not even sure where I should start with this post :)
I still find it interesting that it has been 3 months since my life was completely turned upside down. Who knew this would be the most amazing summer? Ever.
I think about where I would be today if I hadn't lost my job and the dominos hadn't started falling at a rapid pace. But then I wouldn't be right here, right where I know I'm supposed to be.
So here is the current status of my life:
My time in Mexico brought me closer to God, closer to amazing people in Reedley and pretty much changed my life. I had no idea what one week could do for me spiritually and mentally.
Then came the Tahoe interview, and the second Tahoe interview and the waiting. To be told I was over qualified. That's awesome. I'm 25 and overqualified? I solved that problem by eating my unique half pound box of See's Candy. Chocolate can always work wonders.
With that door closed I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted to sit on the floor like a child, throw a fit, and do nothing. Wait for everything to happen to me.
But of course I don't operate like that so I started my search again. I think I'm on application number 15! Applying everywhere and anywhere again. Doing some more waiting, but this time I feel less nervous and anxious. I know that the Lord will reveal his plan when the time is right.
The house sold and escrow closes on the 10th. Crazy to think I'm 25 and I've already bought and sold my first house, lost my first job...... I'm staying in Reedley for the time being and moving in with a lady that went to Mexico with us. She has the cutest mother in law unit in the back of her house so that will become home for the next time period in my life.
School started last week. Human resource management and independent study. Who's excited??? :) I'm ready for this year and this semester, lets hope my motiviation doesn't turn into procrastination.
I'm in week 2 of a temp job with the school district. I like it, and it's something to do which is nice. Makes me feel productive!
So this is the current state of my life. Even though it changes daily, I am truly blessed and happy. Happy to have a roof over my head, money in my pocket and a beautiful life to live.
I'm off to pack, hope everyone has an amazing week!!
I still find it interesting that it has been 3 months since my life was completely turned upside down. Who knew this would be the most amazing summer? Ever.
I think about where I would be today if I hadn't lost my job and the dominos hadn't started falling at a rapid pace. But then I wouldn't be right here, right where I know I'm supposed to be.
So here is the current status of my life:
My time in Mexico brought me closer to God, closer to amazing people in Reedley and pretty much changed my life. I had no idea what one week could do for me spiritually and mentally.
Then came the Tahoe interview, and the second Tahoe interview and the waiting. To be told I was over qualified. That's awesome. I'm 25 and overqualified? I solved that problem by eating my unique half pound box of See's Candy. Chocolate can always work wonders.
With that door closed I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted to sit on the floor like a child, throw a fit, and do nothing. Wait for everything to happen to me.
But of course I don't operate like that so I started my search again. I think I'm on application number 15! Applying everywhere and anywhere again. Doing some more waiting, but this time I feel less nervous and anxious. I know that the Lord will reveal his plan when the time is right.
The house sold and escrow closes on the 10th. Crazy to think I'm 25 and I've already bought and sold my first house, lost my first job...... I'm staying in Reedley for the time being and moving in with a lady that went to Mexico with us. She has the cutest mother in law unit in the back of her house so that will become home for the next time period in my life.
School started last week. Human resource management and independent study. Who's excited??? :) I'm ready for this year and this semester, lets hope my motiviation doesn't turn into procrastination.
I'm in week 2 of a temp job with the school district. I like it, and it's something to do which is nice. Makes me feel productive!
So this is the current state of my life. Even though it changes daily, I am truly blessed and happy. Happy to have a roof over my head, money in my pocket and a beautiful life to live.
I'm off to pack, hope everyone has an amazing week!!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Heading into the sunset............
Tomorrow at 2p.m. I'm heading out with 27 others to serve our amazing and wonderful Father in Mexico. I am nervous, I am excited. I cannot wait to see what transformation God will not only make in those we are serving but also my fellow com padres and myself. I think I might need the most work, but God does love a work in progress. I smile when I think of how amazing and wonderful God is and that originally I was not going to be able to go on this trip because of work and then that door closed and I get the amazing opportunity to go to Mexico and serve.
I came home today to the for sale sign in my front yard. I knew it was coming, but it just hurts. I know that a home is wherever you are, and your family and God and love. And I know I will have another home, but letting go of the first one is proving to be harder than I thought. My Realtor is showing it twice on Monday, I am honestly glad that I will be out of town. I remember when we sold our house in Mt. Ranch. And how upset I was, being only 13 I didn't understand why my parents were splitting up, let along why we were selling MY house. And now here I am 12 years later selling my first house. I have to keep bringing myself back to the Lord and remembering that even he though he takes away he provides as well. And I just pray that he will continue to do that for me.
On the job front.....I have 6 applications out. All across the country. And 5 of the 6 close tomorrow and the last one emailed yesterday and said they would be reviewing them next week.
Here is the list:
Tahoe City, CA
North Bend, WA
Rockwall, TX
Golden, CO
Richland County, MT
Bellevue, WI
What is everyone's vote!!???
I know it's crazy that only one of the jobs is in California. Trust me I have heard it from everyone. Though I love my friends and family dearly I have to take this opportunity to at least see what else is out there. I feel I owe myself that at least. The last time I had the opportunity to look else where I didn't, mainly because I wasn't ready to leave the Central Valley, I was dating someone, and honestly God had another plan. To bring me to Reedley.
But I feel this door is closed, and I am ready to be wherever God wants and needs me to be. So here is praying that one of these turns into a job.
Next time you hear from me I will be back from Mexico hopefully a more inspired and stronger messenger of the gospel (with a few job interviews too). Pray for us!
I came home today to the for sale sign in my front yard. I knew it was coming, but it just hurts. I know that a home is wherever you are, and your family and God and love. And I know I will have another home, but letting go of the first one is proving to be harder than I thought. My Realtor is showing it twice on Monday, I am honestly glad that I will be out of town. I remember when we sold our house in Mt. Ranch. And how upset I was, being only 13 I didn't understand why my parents were splitting up, let along why we were selling MY house. And now here I am 12 years later selling my first house. I have to keep bringing myself back to the Lord and remembering that even he though he takes away he provides as well. And I just pray that he will continue to do that for me.
On the job front.....I have 6 applications out. All across the country. And 5 of the 6 close tomorrow and the last one emailed yesterday and said they would be reviewing them next week.
Here is the list:
Tahoe City, CA
North Bend, WA
Rockwall, TX
Golden, CO
Richland County, MT
Bellevue, WI
What is everyone's vote!!???
I know it's crazy that only one of the jobs is in California. Trust me I have heard it from everyone. Though I love my friends and family dearly I have to take this opportunity to at least see what else is out there. I feel I owe myself that at least. The last time I had the opportunity to look else where I didn't, mainly because I wasn't ready to leave the Central Valley, I was dating someone, and honestly God had another plan. To bring me to Reedley.
But I feel this door is closed, and I am ready to be wherever God wants and needs me to be. So here is praying that one of these turns into a job.
Next time you hear from me I will be back from Mexico hopefully a more inspired and stronger messenger of the gospel (with a few job interviews too). Pray for us!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Life is amazing and beautiful
This past weekend was AMAZING. I love my friends. And got to meet new ones such as Chloe, and Molly, and John. And got to experience Disneyland with some amazing people. Who couldn't have enjoyed that?
So here we are at beginning:
And then all of us on the Haunted Mansion ride Day 2:
AND MY FAVORITE RIDE:
California Adventure at night:
And us at the end:
So here we are at beginning:
And then all of us on the Haunted Mansion ride Day 2:
AND MY FAVORITE RIDE:
California Adventure at night:
And us at the end:
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Live like no one else, so you can live like no one else.
Who has read, listened to, learned and laughed with Dave Ramsey??
He teaches on financial freedom and his most commonly taught class is called financial peace university. While I am not currently enrolled in his class I am forever indebted to my dear friend Dawn for lending me the CD's from her class. They have given me hope when everything looked a little dim.
His main motto is "Live like no one else, so you can live like no else" This takes sacrifice, it takes going against the grain of the typical American. I'm done being the middle class citizen and I am going to work my way to financial freedom and wealth! Perfect timing when I'm unemployed with around $5,000 in debt looming over me!
He lists in your budget as necessities being food, clothing, transportation, utilities, and shelter. Basic stuff right???
The first thing I could knock off the necessities list is clothing! Who knew all of the Gma's shopping would help me in the long run!
I received my unemployment benefits statement yesterday, who knew the state would actually be timely on something??? :) And the monthly amount will cover the necessities listed. And that is it. Literally. Other than about $1,000 in savings I have no other money. Who knew the 3-6 months in expenses was a good idea??
But of course like the average American I have bills other than the necessities which include credit cards, cell phone bill (he covers basic phone in his necessities list, I'm wondering if my $79 bill is a necessity??? :)), gym membership, etc. These "bills" even with the credit cards at a minimum total $375 a month. Woah. Where am I going to find $375 a month even for one or two months until I find a job?
(And the sad part is the unemployment is $700 less than I made full time, and where did that money go??????)
One of Dave Ramsey's theories when you are in debt is to sell everything you can sell in your house until the kids think they are next.
So a lot of the extras that have filled my house are up on craigslist. Go check them out! I know what you are thinking! Am I losing it?? Selling my stuff? I can always buy new stuff later when I have the cash and the means to do so.
And the question that is resting on everyone's mind..the house. My first house. My own space. All mine. It's going on the market. I'm getting out from underneath it before I lose myself trying to hold on to something like a house. I am fourtante to have options in terms of place to live if the house sells before I have a job. And I am so greatful, it makes the decision to sell the house easier because I know I will not be homeless.
It finally hit me today after much speclation that this door is closing, not just the door that closed when I stopped working for the City but the door of living in the central valley. Today my therapist was walking through all my options with me and she said this and a light bulb when off: "You seem to already have one foot out the door." And I guess I do, it's like I've been slowly inching there. And while I know there are many people here that I love dearly, and memories, and places that I love it's time for the next chapter. And I know people will be dissapointed that I am leaving but I truly feel its time.
I've been hesistant to make decisions over the last month because I honestly think I wanted God to say here! Here is the perfect plan, I made it and here it is. And lay it out for me. And he hasn't completely done that. And I can't spend my life waiting for that moment of perfect clarity. Because that's be honest, when is God going to completely show us the cards??? I know he is walking beside me and I have to remember him in everything I do. If I make a poor decision I know it will be revealed and He will walk with me. Good or bad or indifferent He is here as long as I ask Him to be and I trust in Him. And I'm trusting in Him by taking this leap of faith and walking head first into my future. Wherever that may be.
He teaches on financial freedom and his most commonly taught class is called financial peace university. While I am not currently enrolled in his class I am forever indebted to my dear friend Dawn for lending me the CD's from her class. They have given me hope when everything looked a little dim.
His main motto is "Live like no one else, so you can live like no else" This takes sacrifice, it takes going against the grain of the typical American. I'm done being the middle class citizen and I am going to work my way to financial freedom and wealth! Perfect timing when I'm unemployed with around $5,000 in debt looming over me!
He lists in your budget as necessities being food, clothing, transportation, utilities, and shelter. Basic stuff right???
The first thing I could knock off the necessities list is clothing! Who knew all of the Gma's shopping would help me in the long run!
I received my unemployment benefits statement yesterday, who knew the state would actually be timely on something??? :) And the monthly amount will cover the necessities listed. And that is it. Literally. Other than about $1,000 in savings I have no other money. Who knew the 3-6 months in expenses was a good idea??
But of course like the average American I have bills other than the necessities which include credit cards, cell phone bill (he covers basic phone in his necessities list, I'm wondering if my $79 bill is a necessity??? :)), gym membership, etc. These "bills" even with the credit cards at a minimum total $375 a month. Woah. Where am I going to find $375 a month even for one or two months until I find a job?
(And the sad part is the unemployment is $700 less than I made full time, and where did that money go??????)
One of Dave Ramsey's theories when you are in debt is to sell everything you can sell in your house until the kids think they are next.
So a lot of the extras that have filled my house are up on craigslist. Go check them out! I know what you are thinking! Am I losing it?? Selling my stuff? I can always buy new stuff later when I have the cash and the means to do so.
And the question that is resting on everyone's mind..the house. My first house. My own space. All mine. It's going on the market. I'm getting out from underneath it before I lose myself trying to hold on to something like a house. I am fourtante to have options in terms of place to live if the house sells before I have a job. And I am so greatful, it makes the decision to sell the house easier because I know I will not be homeless.
It finally hit me today after much speclation that this door is closing, not just the door that closed when I stopped working for the City but the door of living in the central valley. Today my therapist was walking through all my options with me and she said this and a light bulb when off: "You seem to already have one foot out the door." And I guess I do, it's like I've been slowly inching there. And while I know there are many people here that I love dearly, and memories, and places that I love it's time for the next chapter. And I know people will be dissapointed that I am leaving but I truly feel its time.
I've been hesistant to make decisions over the last month because I honestly think I wanted God to say here! Here is the perfect plan, I made it and here it is. And lay it out for me. And he hasn't completely done that. And I can't spend my life waiting for that moment of perfect clarity. Because that's be honest, when is God going to completely show us the cards??? I know he is walking beside me and I have to remember him in everything I do. If I make a poor decision I know it will be revealed and He will walk with me. Good or bad or indifferent He is here as long as I ask Him to be and I trust in Him. And I'm trusting in Him by taking this leap of faith and walking head first into my future. Wherever that may be.
Friday, July 2, 2010
A place....
There is a place nestled east of Stockton in the foothills of the Sierras. In recent years this place has aquired the more status quo stuff like starbucks and lowes and subways. This is a place where the people per square mile is less than the cows, where there are no stop lights, where you can leave your car and front door unlocked at night and nothing will happen. Where the biggest town has 6,000 people.
This place is called Calaveras County.
And this is place that I grew up in. Where I participated in 4-H, raised steers, sheep, goats, and my closest neighbor was over a mile. Where I met my best friends, learned to love football sitting in a crowded home bleacher under the lights on a Friday night. Where I learned to drive. Where I made many mistakes, cried many tears and loved many people.
Everytime I come back I feel differently about this place and the special place it holds in my heart. I went to dinner with my mom on Thursday night and ran into my 4th grade teacher. This morning one of the first people I met in kindergarten called because she knew I was home and wanted to catch up. This afternoon I came to Starbucks to write this post and spent 30 minutes catching up with a friend I haven't seen in 10 years. Like I said everyone knows you, and knows what you are up to even if you haven't been home in eyars.
Coming home under the current conditions makes me look at life a little differently. This place will always have a piece of my heart. No matter where I consider moving or where I end up, there is something about Calaveras County that I can't seem to walk away from.
It's a place that created who I am and helped build the person I am today. And even though its country, and small and there are nosy people here I love it. This is the place I call home and even when I have no idea what I'm doing I know that Calaveras County will always be there if I need a reminder of where I came from.
This place is called Calaveras County.
And this is place that I grew up in. Where I participated in 4-H, raised steers, sheep, goats, and my closest neighbor was over a mile. Where I met my best friends, learned to love football sitting in a crowded home bleacher under the lights on a Friday night. Where I learned to drive. Where I made many mistakes, cried many tears and loved many people.
Everytime I come back I feel differently about this place and the special place it holds in my heart. I went to dinner with my mom on Thursday night and ran into my 4th grade teacher. This morning one of the first people I met in kindergarten called because she knew I was home and wanted to catch up. This afternoon I came to Starbucks to write this post and spent 30 minutes catching up with a friend I haven't seen in 10 years. Like I said everyone knows you, and knows what you are up to even if you haven't been home in eyars.
Coming home under the current conditions makes me look at life a little differently. This place will always have a piece of my heart. No matter where I consider moving or where I end up, there is something about Calaveras County that I can't seem to walk away from.
It's a place that created who I am and helped build the person I am today. And even though its country, and small and there are nosy people here I love it. This is the place I call home and even when I have no idea what I'm doing I know that Calaveras County will always be there if I need a reminder of where I came from.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
A door closed...
Dear Ms. Margaret Littleton:
Thank you for considering Cosumnes Community Services District Parks and Recreation Department, and for the time and energy you dedicated to our recruitment process for the current part-time Recreation Coordinator in the Teens and Skate Park.
This recruitment process provided the District with a large pool of qualified candidates. Although your background and qualifications meet some of our requirements and/or preferences, they are not the exact match we were looking for to fill this position at this time.
Your name and application will be kept on an eligibility list for 90-days. In the event another Coordinator position becomes available a Human Resources representative may contact you to schedule an interview.
Again, on behalf of the Cosumnes Community Services District, we thank you for your interest in applying for this position, and encourage you to continue to watch our web site at www.yourcsd.com for future employment opportunities.
Sincerely,
Human Resources
So the first of the closed doors.........................................
I have a million and one questions, need a million and one answers. But I can't even start to think of what they are or what order they should be in........
Thank you for considering Cosumnes Community Services District Parks and Recreation Department, and for the time and energy you dedicated to our recruitment process for the current part-time Recreation Coordinator in the Teens and Skate Park.
This recruitment process provided the District with a large pool of qualified candidates. Although your background and qualifications meet some of our requirements and/or preferences, they are not the exact match we were looking for to fill this position at this time.
Your name and application will be kept on an eligibility list for 90-days. In the event another Coordinator position becomes available a Human Resources representative may contact you to schedule an interview.
Again, on behalf of the Cosumnes Community Services District, we thank you for your interest in applying for this position, and encourage you to continue to watch our web site at www.yourcsd.com for future employment opportunities.
Sincerely,
Human Resources
So the first of the closed doors.........................................
I have a million and one questions, need a million and one answers. But I can't even start to think of what they are or what order they should be in........
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
New Adventures
After my last post my Summer Day Camp kids surprised me with a beautiful hand made sign and cupcakes! And then camping with my best friends from high school, it was nice to be home in Calaveras County. Makes me miss that place sometimes.
Came back to my cousin's on Sunday to get ready for my interview on Monday. Interviews make me nervous. I'd much rather be on the other side of the table which is where I've been for over the last two years. Because I'm my biggest critic I'm not sure how I did, I was the last of 14 people on Monday. I wanted to say "saved the best for last" but that was before I learned there was another day of interviews today. And if I get selected second interviews will be on Thursday.
So if that door closes where will I be?
That is a great question. And I have no idea where I will be but I do know that I'm ready for the adventure. Is it scary? Yes. Do I have any idea where I will end up? No. But I know that the Lord has the plan. He will open doors and he will close them. And I have to just keep walking through the open ones until they close. Keep applying for jobs until I'm chosen for that perfect one. I'm not sure when that will be. I'm not sure if I will stay in Reedley. Or if I move when that will be. I have learned over the last month that as much as I'd like to stay in my beautiful house in this beautiful town, there are plenty of opportunities out there. I am young, not tied down, pretty much the sky is the limit. As long as I'm willing to let it be. I'm learning to let go of the anxiety because as my trusted therapist told me anxiety is only worrying about what hasn't happened. Basically it's worrying about things only God has control over.
So back to my original question. If God closes the Elk Grove door tomorrow, I'm throwing my application out in these two places:
www.visittahoecity.com - for Recreation Coordinator almost identical to the one in Reedley.
http://ci.north-bend.wa.us/ - for a Recreation Supervisor in Athletics.
Both far from Reedley. Both in places I've never lived. But the beauty in this journey is that I know I will end up in the perfect place, better than I could imagine. And I can only sit back and enjoy the ride.
Both jobs close July 16th, so we shall see what happens......I'll keep you guys posted.
Came back to my cousin's on Sunday to get ready for my interview on Monday. Interviews make me nervous. I'd much rather be on the other side of the table which is where I've been for over the last two years. Because I'm my biggest critic I'm not sure how I did, I was the last of 14 people on Monday. I wanted to say "saved the best for last" but that was before I learned there was another day of interviews today. And if I get selected second interviews will be on Thursday.
So if that door closes where will I be?
That is a great question. And I have no idea where I will be but I do know that I'm ready for the adventure. Is it scary? Yes. Do I have any idea where I will end up? No. But I know that the Lord has the plan. He will open doors and he will close them. And I have to just keep walking through the open ones until they close. Keep applying for jobs until I'm chosen for that perfect one. I'm not sure when that will be. I'm not sure if I will stay in Reedley. Or if I move when that will be. I have learned over the last month that as much as I'd like to stay in my beautiful house in this beautiful town, there are plenty of opportunities out there. I am young, not tied down, pretty much the sky is the limit. As long as I'm willing to let it be. I'm learning to let go of the anxiety because as my trusted therapist told me anxiety is only worrying about what hasn't happened. Basically it's worrying about things only God has control over.
So back to my original question. If God closes the Elk Grove door tomorrow, I'm throwing my application out in these two places:
www.visittahoecity.com - for Recreation Coordinator almost identical to the one in Reedley.
http://ci.north-bend.wa.us/ - for a Recreation Supervisor in Athletics.
Both far from Reedley. Both in places I've never lived. But the beauty in this journey is that I know I will end up in the perfect place, better than I could imagine. And I can only sit back and enjoy the ride.
Both jobs close July 16th, so we shall see what happens......I'll keep you guys posted.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Goodbyes
So I thought I could mentally prepare for my last few days. Though I expected a few tears, and hugs and maybe a few cards I got even more than that. It's funny how truly unpredictable life really is.
Monday I had lunch with my supervisor, mentor and good friend Sarah and that was my first goodbye moment. She gave me a card and what was written of course made me cry.
Going into the rest of the week I thought I could make it through, I'm tough I can do this. Made it through my potluck on Wednesday which was awesome! Good food, conversations and a chance for all of us to hang out and say goodbye. I lost it when I walked back into my office. There was a card on my desk and I opened it and it talked about saying goodbye and how I will be missed and then I opened it. A $100 VISA gift card fell out. All it said inside was Your friend, Dana. And I started bawling right there, all reserves and emotions I was trying to hold in flooded out. You are probably wondering why it affected me so much but you have to understand the type of person Dana is. He's quiet and reserved and doesn't joke about much. He will go to the end of the earth for anyone and will help out even if he doesn't have to. He's always gone above and beyond for all my programs and I've always appreciated it. He's just done so with few words. So for him to make the big gesture touched me.
Then I got flowers from Reedley Youth Football thanking me for all the work I put in to help their program.
And then this morning Sarah asked if I wanted to go to the pool. Of course! We walk in and everyone scrambles like they got caught with their hand in the cookie jar. And then they say they got me something. Cue the tears. They are an amazing and talented staff that I love dearly so for them to do something like that for me just melts my heart :)
I write this on my lunch sitting in the unlabeled but official recliner that my boss Joel usually sits for my last few moments this afternoon. So here is our last official staff picture. They are truly an amazing bunch!
It's only 1p.m. so who knows what could happen before 5 :)
Monday I had lunch with my supervisor, mentor and good friend Sarah and that was my first goodbye moment. She gave me a card and what was written of course made me cry.
Going into the rest of the week I thought I could make it through, I'm tough I can do this. Made it through my potluck on Wednesday which was awesome! Good food, conversations and a chance for all of us to hang out and say goodbye. I lost it when I walked back into my office. There was a card on my desk and I opened it and it talked about saying goodbye and how I will be missed and then I opened it. A $100 VISA gift card fell out. All it said inside was Your friend, Dana. And I started bawling right there, all reserves and emotions I was trying to hold in flooded out. You are probably wondering why it affected me so much but you have to understand the type of person Dana is. He's quiet and reserved and doesn't joke about much. He will go to the end of the earth for anyone and will help out even if he doesn't have to. He's always gone above and beyond for all my programs and I've always appreciated it. He's just done so with few words. So for him to make the big gesture touched me.
Then I got flowers from Reedley Youth Football thanking me for all the work I put in to help their program.
And then this morning Sarah asked if I wanted to go to the pool. Of course! We walk in and everyone scrambles like they got caught with their hand in the cookie jar. And then they say they got me something. Cue the tears. They are an amazing and talented staff that I love dearly so for them to do something like that for me just melts my heart :)
I write this on my lunch sitting in the unlabeled but official recliner that my boss Joel usually sits for my last few moments this afternoon. So here is our last official staff picture. They are truly an amazing bunch!
It's only 1p.m. so who knows what could happen before 5 :)
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Learning to let go
A good friend of mine posted this on Facebook: Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing the monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
Over the last month I have slowly been learning to use the monkey bars as I prepare to walk away from 2.5 years of service to the City of Reedley next week. Some would say that 2.5 years isn't long enough to be that invested or that it's just a job. Sometimes I honestly wish I could say it was just a job.
When I decided after 7 months of commuting from Fresno to Reedley that I wanted to move some were shocked and asked why I didn't just keep commuting, why in the world would I want to move to Reedley. I can tell you why I wanted to move to Reedley. I wanted to move because I couldn't imagine planning programs for people that I didn't know. How was I to know what was best if I wasn't experiencing daily life with them? So God stirred in my heart the desire to move to Reedley, to immerse myself in daily living. To be able to enjoy a walk to the river, or be able to listen to the 12p.m. siren, or to enjoy a bike ride on the trail. And all along He knew I was falling in love with the world's fruit basket.
Going into any project or job or situation I'm always looking at what I can do for the team, for the moment, for the situation. Never with the intention of gaining any glory or recognition from it. In the last month I have gotten more pats on the back, job offers, and emails about how much I am appreciated and loved. It's been humbling and overwhelming all the in same moment. It's humbling because I continue to do what I do because God has instilled in me a love for others and service to those around me. It's overwhelming because I know goodbye's are just around the corner. These moments of appreciation have come from coworkers, parents, participants, community members, and people that I have interacted with in planning programs. Even at a farewell lunch today with a coworker I was told how much I would be missed.
But even though they feel I have contributed a lot I have gained a whole heck of a lot from all of them:
I have learned the true definition of teamwork. That even in the face of adversity and hardship there are a few you can count on to get the job done regardless of circumstance. That the team that beats with one heart will ultimately rise to the occasion.
That even your bosses can in certain situations be a true friend and a confidant in your darkest days.
That if the love of your job comes first there is no such thing as a time clock.
That wearing your heart on your sleeve isn't a weakness it is a sign of passion for the task at hand.
That investing in the teachable moments with a child can take you leaps and bounds with them in the future.
That people may be upset in the moment but will ultimately respect you more in the future for standing your ground.
That the most amazing moments with staff and coworkers will come when you least expect them.
That age is only a number.
And that every moment can teach you something as long as you are open.
There is ultimately pain and sadness on my part because I am human and because at the end of the day no matter how much I smile and say I'm ready for the next step I'm terrified. I'm terrified of letting go and I'm terrified of moving on. I keep clinging to the fact that God absolutely knows what He's doing and I must learn to let go, knowing I really have no control. But in the moment it is easier to preach than to practice.
I thought today about how it will feel to pack up the rest of my office, turn in my keys, badge and City credit card, and walk out that door for the last time. Some have called me a workaholic and I would gladly wear that badge with honor because I know at the end of the day I have not only given up a first job but also a part of myself. If anything that is harder to walk away from than any job.
Over the last month I have slowly been learning to use the monkey bars as I prepare to walk away from 2.5 years of service to the City of Reedley next week. Some would say that 2.5 years isn't long enough to be that invested or that it's just a job. Sometimes I honestly wish I could say it was just a job.
When I decided after 7 months of commuting from Fresno to Reedley that I wanted to move some were shocked and asked why I didn't just keep commuting, why in the world would I want to move to Reedley. I can tell you why I wanted to move to Reedley. I wanted to move because I couldn't imagine planning programs for people that I didn't know. How was I to know what was best if I wasn't experiencing daily life with them? So God stirred in my heart the desire to move to Reedley, to immerse myself in daily living. To be able to enjoy a walk to the river, or be able to listen to the 12p.m. siren, or to enjoy a bike ride on the trail. And all along He knew I was falling in love with the world's fruit basket.
Going into any project or job or situation I'm always looking at what I can do for the team, for the moment, for the situation. Never with the intention of gaining any glory or recognition from it. In the last month I have gotten more pats on the back, job offers, and emails about how much I am appreciated and loved. It's been humbling and overwhelming all the in same moment. It's humbling because I continue to do what I do because God has instilled in me a love for others and service to those around me. It's overwhelming because I know goodbye's are just around the corner. These moments of appreciation have come from coworkers, parents, participants, community members, and people that I have interacted with in planning programs. Even at a farewell lunch today with a coworker I was told how much I would be missed.
But even though they feel I have contributed a lot I have gained a whole heck of a lot from all of them:
I have learned the true definition of teamwork. That even in the face of adversity and hardship there are a few you can count on to get the job done regardless of circumstance. That the team that beats with one heart will ultimately rise to the occasion.
That even your bosses can in certain situations be a true friend and a confidant in your darkest days.
That if the love of your job comes first there is no such thing as a time clock.
That wearing your heart on your sleeve isn't a weakness it is a sign of passion for the task at hand.
That investing in the teachable moments with a child can take you leaps and bounds with them in the future.
That people may be upset in the moment but will ultimately respect you more in the future for standing your ground.
That the most amazing moments with staff and coworkers will come when you least expect them.
That age is only a number.
And that every moment can teach you something as long as you are open.
There is ultimately pain and sadness on my part because I am human and because at the end of the day no matter how much I smile and say I'm ready for the next step I'm terrified. I'm terrified of letting go and I'm terrified of moving on. I keep clinging to the fact that God absolutely knows what He's doing and I must learn to let go, knowing I really have no control. But in the moment it is easier to preach than to practice.
I thought today about how it will feel to pack up the rest of my office, turn in my keys, badge and City credit card, and walk out that door for the last time. Some have called me a workaholic and I would gladly wear that badge with honor because I know at the end of the day I have not only given up a first job but also a part of myself. If anything that is harder to walk away from than any job.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Blast from the past
I realized after I started my blogspot that I might still have my last blog, a Xanga account. Wow. I read through them tonight. The majority of my time on Xanga was from the end of my freshman year of college (2004) until 2006. I was sooo young, so naive, so lost. And trying to figure it all out on my own. So even thought most are old, I thought why not share what the 19 year old me thought??
What's posted below is from October of 2004:
I don't think I'll ever forget the first time I saw him. We were in eighth grade, and being thirteen most guys hadn't reached their growth spurt. Seeing as how girls grow faster I had already reached 5'8" and most of the guys in my class I looked down on, but the day we sat next to each other in science he was the only one I looked up to. He looked much older than his thirteen years with his 5 o'clock shadow and his large muscular frame. I hadn't seen much variety in our small town, so the fact that he was a bigger guy, who actually looked older and played sports he became the "crush" of the year. Now that I looked back on I would die laughing now at how I flirted back then. Yea to me trading shoes was a big deal, like that meant that some how we would get together haha what if.
When we started high school I watched from a far as girls drooled over him, upperclassman fawned. He excelled at every sport and seemed just ready to start his life in high school . I passed him in the halls everyday wanting to say hi and never really having the nerve. It was just a casual wave that you gave someone you had a class with but never really knew. I knew he was popular and I wasn't but I still had the what if's. I was smart and got good grades, he made up for grades through outstanding feats in football. That year he went to prom with a senior girl and our sophomore year I thought it might be my chance. I planned on asking him to our winter formal, I was a women of the 21st century, so what if I didn't know him that well? What would I lose by asking? Well except my pride and dignity I held my head high and walked away when he told me had to have foot surgery for football. Ouch how much that hurt my pride, and I figured maybe we weren't destined to be together or much less be friends. He'd just be another guy in the hall, someone else in my yearbook.
But then something happened and I realized going in to my junior of high school things had changed and I hadn't really paid attention. He was the one I called on the weekends, he was the one we hung out with. Between football and wrestling we got closer, me throwing his horrible stats in his face or congratulating him on having the most tackles. To me it seemed like over night we had become more than just people passing in the hallway, we were friends.
By my senior year we were always together and people thought that I still had feelings for him and I thought I did to. But walking through the halls one day I watched him walk around that friday the last day he was going to wear his football jersey and I just smiled. He wasn't just a number on roster or someone that I sat next to in class, he was someone I trusted my life with. He never had that foot surgery around winter formal our sophomore year and that became the joke between us that he had been so scared to go that he had lied to me. I remember when I said something to his mom, and that night he got yelled at for hurting me. Now it's just funny. Graduation came and went, we took pictures left and right with our little group that had clung together through our years of growing up. His parents even gave me a gift certificate to Starbuck's because through our years as friends we had always joked about my cravings. It just seemed natural almost being that close to him. We even had baking nights, where we made cowboy cookies, and I remember for my 18th birthday I begged until he made two dozen for me.
I don't think I really understand the meaning of friendship until the night we had to part ways. The summer was finally over and people were slowing starting to leave, going to college, the military, where ever life was going to take them. For me life was taking me to Fresno, and for him life was taking to a full-ride to play college football. His athletic excellence had finally paid off and so had my hard work at keeping my grades up. I told myself I wasn't going to cry that in the back of my head that day had been coming all along. But I know I wasn't ready. How was I supposed to sum up three years of friendship in a simple thank you, a hug and a goodbye? I never had really been good at goodbyes and this one turned up to be harded than I had ever imagined.
I still remember standing in that parking lot like it was yesterday. Looking at his face, this time he didn't have the mangy five o'clock shadow, his facial hair had finally matured into a goatie that seemed to be his trademark. I had no idea what to say, and I had always been good with words. It scared me that I felt so strongly for someone not romantically anymore, but more of the feeling that you would risk anything for them. So instead of making a fuss, I simply said thank you, hugged him and walked back to my car. I didn't look back, I just got in my car and drove away. The entire drive home I couldn't barely see the road, I was shaking so bad and I couldn't seem to stop the tears pouring down my face. I already missed him and he hadn't even left yet.
Now here I sit almost a year and a half later. I look at the pictures of high school of us still in their frames. They probably won't ever be taken out because they represent something that can't be taken away. The friendship that started as a crush. I look to the picture of us a year into to college home for the summer, you can see how much we've changed. I still think about the over grown girl and the boy with the 5 o'clock oh so many years ago. I smile as my eye catches a picture of him in a black jersey, playing football so many miles away, without me there to cheer him on. It just seems so strange that what I wanted at thirteen isn't what I got, but what I have now at ninteen is something that I don't think I'll ever want to let go of.
I called him in the middle of the day today and he answered sounding almost surprised, asking if something was wrong. I laughed and said no that I just wanted to call and say hi. I more importantly wanted to know that what had been such a constant in my life was still there. He told me he was lifting weights, and had practice but that he would call me when he got home. Later tonight my phone rang and without looking I knew it was him and as I answered the first words from his mouth were asking if I was ok. I laughed and said yes I was alright I just wanted to talk. But by the end of the conversation he had gotten what was wrong out of me and I started to tear up, I missed him more than anything. I wanted so badly to be home, be laying on his living room floor talking about the future. But instead I had to face the reality that we were over 15,000 miles apart and that I had to deal with it. I said thank you in a low voice, just like I had said that night so many months ago when I had to say goodbye. But this time it felt more than just a thank you for being there. It was thank you for putting up with, thank you for listening, thank you for being there for me no matter what, thank you for letting me be your best friend.
This blog is about my dear friend Troy Baker, who is still on the other side of the country. I think about him often, see pictures of him around my house, and miss him dearly. We have been friends for over 10 years and I wouldn't trade any of our memories and moments, I just wish he lived closer. So even though this post is almost 6 years old, here's a tribute to a very dear friend.
What's posted below is from October of 2004:
I don't think I'll ever forget the first time I saw him. We were in eighth grade, and being thirteen most guys hadn't reached their growth spurt. Seeing as how girls grow faster I had already reached 5'8" and most of the guys in my class I looked down on, but the day we sat next to each other in science he was the only one I looked up to. He looked much older than his thirteen years with his 5 o'clock shadow and his large muscular frame. I hadn't seen much variety in our small town, so the fact that he was a bigger guy, who actually looked older and played sports he became the "crush" of the year. Now that I looked back on I would die laughing now at how I flirted back then. Yea to me trading shoes was a big deal, like that meant that some how we would get together haha what if.
When we started high school I watched from a far as girls drooled over him, upperclassman fawned. He excelled at every sport and seemed just ready to start his life in high school . I passed him in the halls everyday wanting to say hi and never really having the nerve. It was just a casual wave that you gave someone you had a class with but never really knew. I knew he was popular and I wasn't but I still had the what if's. I was smart and got good grades, he made up for grades through outstanding feats in football. That year he went to prom with a senior girl and our sophomore year I thought it might be my chance. I planned on asking him to our winter formal, I was a women of the 21st century, so what if I didn't know him that well? What would I lose by asking? Well except my pride and dignity I held my head high and walked away when he told me had to have foot surgery for football. Ouch how much that hurt my pride, and I figured maybe we weren't destined to be together or much less be friends. He'd just be another guy in the hall, someone else in my yearbook.
But then something happened and I realized going in to my junior of high school things had changed and I hadn't really paid attention. He was the one I called on the weekends, he was the one we hung out with. Between football and wrestling we got closer, me throwing his horrible stats in his face or congratulating him on having the most tackles. To me it seemed like over night we had become more than just people passing in the hallway, we were friends.
By my senior year we were always together and people thought that I still had feelings for him and I thought I did to. But walking through the halls one day I watched him walk around that friday the last day he was going to wear his football jersey and I just smiled. He wasn't just a number on roster or someone that I sat next to in class, he was someone I trusted my life with. He never had that foot surgery around winter formal our sophomore year and that became the joke between us that he had been so scared to go that he had lied to me. I remember when I said something to his mom, and that night he got yelled at for hurting me. Now it's just funny. Graduation came and went, we took pictures left and right with our little group that had clung together through our years of growing up. His parents even gave me a gift certificate to Starbuck's because through our years as friends we had always joked about my cravings. It just seemed natural almost being that close to him. We even had baking nights, where we made cowboy cookies, and I remember for my 18th birthday I begged until he made two dozen for me.
I don't think I really understand the meaning of friendship until the night we had to part ways. The summer was finally over and people were slowing starting to leave, going to college, the military, where ever life was going to take them. For me life was taking me to Fresno, and for him life was taking to a full-ride to play college football. His athletic excellence had finally paid off and so had my hard work at keeping my grades up. I told myself I wasn't going to cry that in the back of my head that day had been coming all along. But I know I wasn't ready. How was I supposed to sum up three years of friendship in a simple thank you, a hug and a goodbye? I never had really been good at goodbyes and this one turned up to be harded than I had ever imagined.
I still remember standing in that parking lot like it was yesterday. Looking at his face, this time he didn't have the mangy five o'clock shadow, his facial hair had finally matured into a goatie that seemed to be his trademark. I had no idea what to say, and I had always been good with words. It scared me that I felt so strongly for someone not romantically anymore, but more of the feeling that you would risk anything for them. So instead of making a fuss, I simply said thank you, hugged him and walked back to my car. I didn't look back, I just got in my car and drove away. The entire drive home I couldn't barely see the road, I was shaking so bad and I couldn't seem to stop the tears pouring down my face. I already missed him and he hadn't even left yet.
Now here I sit almost a year and a half later. I look at the pictures of high school of us still in their frames. They probably won't ever be taken out because they represent something that can't be taken away. The friendship that started as a crush. I look to the picture of us a year into to college home for the summer, you can see how much we've changed. I still think about the over grown girl and the boy with the 5 o'clock oh so many years ago. I smile as my eye catches a picture of him in a black jersey, playing football so many miles away, without me there to cheer him on. It just seems so strange that what I wanted at thirteen isn't what I got, but what I have now at ninteen is something that I don't think I'll ever want to let go of.
I called him in the middle of the day today and he answered sounding almost surprised, asking if something was wrong. I laughed and said no that I just wanted to call and say hi. I more importantly wanted to know that what had been such a constant in my life was still there. He told me he was lifting weights, and had practice but that he would call me when he got home. Later tonight my phone rang and without looking I knew it was him and as I answered the first words from his mouth were asking if I was ok. I laughed and said yes I was alright I just wanted to talk. But by the end of the conversation he had gotten what was wrong out of me and I started to tear up, I missed him more than anything. I wanted so badly to be home, be laying on his living room floor talking about the future. But instead I had to face the reality that we were over 15,000 miles apart and that I had to deal with it. I said thank you in a low voice, just like I had said that night so many months ago when I had to say goodbye. But this time it felt more than just a thank you for being there. It was thank you for putting up with, thank you for listening, thank you for being there for me no matter what, thank you for letting me be your best friend.
This blog is about my dear friend Troy Baker, who is still on the other side of the country. I think about him often, see pictures of him around my house, and miss him dearly. We have been friends for over 10 years and I wouldn't trade any of our memories and moments, I just wish he lived closer. So even though this post is almost 6 years old, here's a tribute to a very dear friend.
Monday, June 7, 2010
The first half of 2010
What better way to enter the second half of 2010 then by taking a look back at the first half?
I remember very vividly ringing in the new year at Michelle and Steve's house with friends, very much looking forward to the new year, full of optimism and hope. As though I was literally on top of the world. Spent new years day with my Dad and Step mom in San Jose. The rest of the month went accordingly: hung out with grad school friends prior to the start of the spring semester.
February was relatively quiet :) Maybe the calm before the storm?? Gathered with the O.G.'s (original gangstas) at Mel's house for Superbowl.
March produced anxiety at work, as I dubbed it Marge's Month of Madness.
April I realized I had survived March and was super excited that I had made it through conference, the start of 500 little ones playing baseball, 5 days of fun camp and much more. Then my car got broken into and along with $250 for a new window went a semester's worth of grad school notes and my newly purchased planner from Office Depot. Easily replaceable but still scared me. In the back of my mind I wondered how brave people could be to smash in a person's car window while they were home and in their driveway no less. I guess in some ways I could have been prepared for what happened next but I guess the naive love that I hold for almost any breathing person prevented me from thinking too much into it.
I look very much forward to birthdays in general and even more so to mine. I believe in birthday month because you can never celebrate a birthday for too many days! Though since I was a young girl I developed a dislike to odd year birthdays. Random I know, and I have no idea where I developed this habit but I thought my 25th year would be different. The weekend prior to my birthday was spent with two of my best friends that I share a quad with of days on the calendar in May. Too much to eat, but much needed girl time with these two very special ladies.
Spent my birthday eve with Denise on the beach! Playing hookie from work in the middle of the week to play on the beach??? Sign me up! The best trip I've had in a long time. Came home on my birthday to my house broken into. I cannot describe the fear, the tears, the pain or the scared feeling that came with all of that. I still carry some of that with me and I think I always will. Even though it has been over a month and I have an alarm system I still sleep with a bat. Some habits die hard.
My birthday celebration continued with the O.G's making the trek down and helping to postpone the fear of strangers being in my house and stealing my stuff. My friends in general are amazing and I couldn't have made it through that without all of them.
I would have hoped that would have been it. But I will never know or understand God's plan. Almost two weeks ago I received my lay off notice from the City of Reedley. And while that whole experience is another post in itself this whole month has left me trying to figure out which way is up.
And the only way that I've managed to keep swimming at all is holding on to the faith that our Lord has a plan that even the OCD planner in me cannot come up with. The hardest part of it all is letting go and realizing that I never really knew what I was doing anyways :)
I remember very vividly ringing in the new year at Michelle and Steve's house with friends, very much looking forward to the new year, full of optimism and hope. As though I was literally on top of the world. Spent new years day with my Dad and Step mom in San Jose. The rest of the month went accordingly: hung out with grad school friends prior to the start of the spring semester.
February was relatively quiet :) Maybe the calm before the storm?? Gathered with the O.G.'s (original gangstas) at Mel's house for Superbowl.
March produced anxiety at work, as I dubbed it Marge's Month of Madness.
April I realized I had survived March and was super excited that I had made it through conference, the start of 500 little ones playing baseball, 5 days of fun camp and much more. Then my car got broken into and along with $250 for a new window went a semester's worth of grad school notes and my newly purchased planner from Office Depot. Easily replaceable but still scared me. In the back of my mind I wondered how brave people could be to smash in a person's car window while they were home and in their driveway no less. I guess in some ways I could have been prepared for what happened next but I guess the naive love that I hold for almost any breathing person prevented me from thinking too much into it.
I look very much forward to birthdays in general and even more so to mine. I believe in birthday month because you can never celebrate a birthday for too many days! Though since I was a young girl I developed a dislike to odd year birthdays. Random I know, and I have no idea where I developed this habit but I thought my 25th year would be different. The weekend prior to my birthday was spent with two of my best friends that I share a quad with of days on the calendar in May. Too much to eat, but much needed girl time with these two very special ladies.
Spent my birthday eve with Denise on the beach! Playing hookie from work in the middle of the week to play on the beach??? Sign me up! The best trip I've had in a long time. Came home on my birthday to my house broken into. I cannot describe the fear, the tears, the pain or the scared feeling that came with all of that. I still carry some of that with me and I think I always will. Even though it has been over a month and I have an alarm system I still sleep with a bat. Some habits die hard.
My birthday celebration continued with the O.G's making the trek down and helping to postpone the fear of strangers being in my house and stealing my stuff. My friends in general are amazing and I couldn't have made it through that without all of them.
I would have hoped that would have been it. But I will never know or understand God's plan. Almost two weeks ago I received my lay off notice from the City of Reedley. And while that whole experience is another post in itself this whole month has left me trying to figure out which way is up.
And the only way that I've managed to keep swimming at all is holding on to the faith that our Lord has a plan that even the OCD planner in me cannot come up with. The hardest part of it all is letting go and realizing that I never really knew what I was doing anyways :)
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