A few weeks ago after a birthday dinner with my best girl friends we stopped by a Christian bookstore so our friend could have some help picking out a bible. I wanted to go as well because I had a coupon for a book I wanted to get so I went straight for that section. On the way back across the store I was stopped by another book. First it was in the bargain book section, it was on sale for $4.95 (who doesn't love a deal?) and it had a picture of a plate of tofu with a red table and chair. The title you ask? Looking for God: An Unexpected Journey Through Tattoos, Tofu, and Pronouns. So I picked it up and figured for that cheap I could add it to my collection and see if it was worth the read and the price.
But you know how I mentioned that sometimes God has a message for you? Well this unexpected bargain book ended up being that message. Knowing I would have time on a short flight to West Texas last week for work I grabbed this book off my night stand. As soon as we took off I started reading and found myself in a chapter labeled Longings, Aches and Pains. I started reading and literally felt like my heart had been poured out onto these pages. Like this author knew every deep and dark place of who I was and I couldn't stop the tears. They flowed for most of the plane ride as I read and re-read this chapter. Here's where it gets really good:
I found that God met me in my sadness. I found that the deep ache and longing I had for California was also a reflection of being an alien in this world. Not fully belonging yet longing to. Being created for a perfect world but living in one that is imperfect. The spiritual layers became more available to me as I dug a little deeper and allowed the longings, aches, and pains to have their voice.
And when I did, what slowly emerged was a growing phrase from God: You love California more than you love me.
Well, maybe, but just a little bit. Is that a problem?
I began to understand what "idolatry of place" was. I found friends who weren't afraid to engage me in conversation, reflection and challenges about my own idolatry of place. I discovered that God was a strong place I could go to when the sense of loss felt overwhelming. Through this process, I realized that God is the one thing that doesn't change. And that understanding became the center of who I was. - Nancy Ortberg
After all these moments, all the tears, all the pain, the realization of what she had written hit me like a ton of bricks. I really had made California my idol. I had put it on a pedastel and made it into the best place that God ever created and I wrestled constantly with this idea that I loved California more then I loved God.
In the pages of this book all the pieces of my life that I didn't understand made sense. That when I had enough sense to give God everything, including my idols He changed my heart. 6 months ago after reading another book (Not a Fan) I decided to stop applying, stop looking and stop dreaming of a life or my former life back in California. The minute that decision was made, that God could really have everything and I was willing to give up everything I had ever known for who He was and is, the biggest sense of relief washed over me.
This book is just further proof that as Nancy said God was a strong place I could go to when the sense of loss felt overwhelming and I am so thankful for that.
