I've realized in the last few weeks after many job interviews and many rejections that I had been in a sort of I hate life mode. And everyone in it sort of slump. That nothing in my life was good enough. But that is not who I am or who I want to be. I realized that I haven't told God thank you in a while. That I haven't said thank you for everything good or bad.
So here is my list:
I'm thankful that my birth mom loved me enough to give me up.
I'm thankful that my parents, though they have their own issues, have loved me in their own ways unconditionally since the day they brought me home from the hospital.
I'm thankful for my Gma. She has been my rock. When I get the chance to go home (I'm headed up there tomorrow!) I'm reminded that on County Road 25 I can be 7 again.
I'm thankful for my amazing friends. The one's that have loved me unconditionally.
I'm thankful for my ability to get my bachelor's and my master's degree.
I'm thankful for God's grace, mercy and love. That no matter what I do He is always there with arm's wide open.
I'm thankful when I wake up in the morning.
I'm thankful that tomorrow is a new day.
I'm thankful for the amazing people that have walked into my life in the last few years.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. :)
Friday, October 22, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Trying to contain my excitement
I said I wasn't going to do this. I wasn't going to start apartment searching, and looking at the surrounding cities and day dreaming of living there. But I'm ready. I'm ready to put everything in a u-haul and drive for over 1,300 miles to the town of Trophy Club, Texas.
I know its nuts right. Texas. I've never lived in another state. And here I am 25, single, unemployed and possibly jetting out on the most amazing adventure of my life. It feels like the next chapter is around the corner and I am ready. No what ifs, no I wonder if this happens, just ready and willing to go if the door is open.
Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow I find out if I made the top 2. If I make the top 2 I fly to Texas for my 2nd interview.
And if the call is not what I'm expecting then I will delete the bookmarks of apartments, stop staring at the town square and I will move on. But for today I will dream and dream big, at this point anything is possible.
I know its nuts right. Texas. I've never lived in another state. And here I am 25, single, unemployed and possibly jetting out on the most amazing adventure of my life. It feels like the next chapter is around the corner and I am ready. No what ifs, no I wonder if this happens, just ready and willing to go if the door is open.
Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow I find out if I made the top 2. If I make the top 2 I fly to Texas for my 2nd interview.
And if the call is not what I'm expecting then I will delete the bookmarks of apartments, stop staring at the town square and I will move on. But for today I will dream and dream big, at this point anything is possible.
Friday, October 1, 2010
This life
Today is October 1st. Today is also the start of month four of this journey down the life of the unemployed. And for the first time in a long time, doubt crept up in my thoughts as I went about my day. I even found myself crying in the car after leaving the Community Center today.
Over the course of the last three months I have ventured back to the Community Center to visit and chat with my former coworkers and I have enjoyed each visit. I enjoyed it today as I recorded a goodbye to a wonderful former coworker who is retiring after 38 years of service to the City.
But I guess the fact that I have applied to nearly 30 places, have yet to get a job, and have no concrete answer to what the future holds, the ugly beast that is doubt crept up on me today. I think the tears flowed because I hate how much I took for granted when I was working. I took for granted the amount of money that was direct deposited into my account every other week, the great relationships I had with my coworkers and bosses, and the work that I got to do each day. I never had a time line of when I would leave but in the back of my mind I always thought I would leave first, that another window of opportunity would open and I would leave to further my career. Not that I would be left standing with the door shutting behind me.
Funny what you realize when where you end up is no where near the plans you had filed under the folder labeled "future". I think that was a rude awakening for me today, even though its been months. The realization that this life is not planned by me or by what I do, and no matter how much I try I can't control today, let alone tomorrow.
Doubt is ugly because it leaves you questioning where you are today, the decisions you are making and what you are doing. I have to keep remembering that life goes through seasons, and just like summer and this 100 degree heat I would like to move onto the next season. Maybe with the changing of the weather will come a change in the path of my life, and a job that I would desperately love to have.
I look back over the course of my life and I see all these situations in which God took control and I was thrust on a path that led me to where I am today. If he hadn't pushed me onto a certain path I wouldn't have grown into who I am today. I continue to pray that this life and season and moment will be one I can look back on and say: If i hadn't lost my job in Reedley I wouldn't have ended up here. Wherever here is I hope I find myself there soon.
Over the course of the last three months I have ventured back to the Community Center to visit and chat with my former coworkers and I have enjoyed each visit. I enjoyed it today as I recorded a goodbye to a wonderful former coworker who is retiring after 38 years of service to the City.
But I guess the fact that I have applied to nearly 30 places, have yet to get a job, and have no concrete answer to what the future holds, the ugly beast that is doubt crept up on me today. I think the tears flowed because I hate how much I took for granted when I was working. I took for granted the amount of money that was direct deposited into my account every other week, the great relationships I had with my coworkers and bosses, and the work that I got to do each day. I never had a time line of when I would leave but in the back of my mind I always thought I would leave first, that another window of opportunity would open and I would leave to further my career. Not that I would be left standing with the door shutting behind me.
Funny what you realize when where you end up is no where near the plans you had filed under the folder labeled "future". I think that was a rude awakening for me today, even though its been months. The realization that this life is not planned by me or by what I do, and no matter how much I try I can't control today, let alone tomorrow.
Doubt is ugly because it leaves you questioning where you are today, the decisions you are making and what you are doing. I have to keep remembering that life goes through seasons, and just like summer and this 100 degree heat I would like to move onto the next season. Maybe with the changing of the weather will come a change in the path of my life, and a job that I would desperately love to have.
I look back over the course of my life and I see all these situations in which God took control and I was thrust on a path that led me to where I am today. If he hadn't pushed me onto a certain path I wouldn't have grown into who I am today. I continue to pray that this life and season and moment will be one I can look back on and say: If i hadn't lost my job in Reedley I wouldn't have ended up here. Wherever here is I hope I find myself there soon.
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