A door closed...

Dear Ms. Margaret Littleton:

Thank you for considering Cosumnes Community Services District Parks and Recreation Department, and for the time and energy you dedicated to our recruitment process for the current part-time Recreation Coordinator in the Teens and Skate Park.

This recruitment process provided the District with a large pool of qualified candidates. Although your background and qualifications meet some of our requirements and/or preferences, they are not the exact match we were looking for to fill this position at this time.

Your name and application will be kept on an eligibility list for 90-days. In the event another Coordinator position becomes available a Human Resources representative may contact you to schedule an interview.

Again, on behalf of the Cosumnes Community Services District, we thank you for your interest in applying for this position, and encourage you to continue to watch our web site at www.yourcsd.com for future employment opportunities.


Sincerely,


Human Resources

So the first of the closed doors.........................................

I have a million and one questions, need a million and one answers. But I can't even start to think of what they are or what order they should be in........

New Adventures

After my last post my Summer Day Camp kids surprised me with a beautiful hand made sign and cupcakes! And then camping with my best friends from high school, it was nice to be home in Calaveras County. Makes me miss that place sometimes.

Came back to my cousin's on Sunday to get ready for my interview on Monday. Interviews make me nervous. I'd much rather be on the other side of the table which is where I've been for over the last two years. Because I'm my biggest critic I'm not sure how I did, I was the last of 14 people on Monday. I wanted to say "saved the best for last" but that was before I learned there was another day of interviews today. And if I get selected second interviews will be on Thursday.

So if that door closes where will I be?

That is a great question. And I have no idea where I will be but I do know that I'm ready for the adventure. Is it scary? Yes. Do I have any idea where I will end up? No. But I know that the Lord has the plan. He will open doors and he will close them. And I have to just keep walking through the open ones until they close. Keep applying for jobs until I'm chosen for that perfect one. I'm not sure when that will be. I'm not sure if I will stay in Reedley. Or if I move when that will be. I have learned over the last month that as much as I'd like to stay in my beautiful house in this beautiful town, there are plenty of opportunities out there. I am young, not tied down, pretty much the sky is the limit. As long as I'm willing to let it be. I'm learning to let go of the anxiety because as my trusted therapist told me anxiety is only worrying about what hasn't happened. Basically it's worrying about things only God has control over.

So back to my original question. If God closes the Elk Grove door tomorrow, I'm throwing my application out in these two places:

www.visittahoecity.com - for Recreation Coordinator almost identical to the one in Reedley.

http://ci.north-bend.wa.us/ - for a Recreation Supervisor in Athletics.

Both far from Reedley. Both in places I've never lived. But the beauty in this journey is that I know I will end up in the perfect place, better than I could imagine. And I can only sit back and enjoy the ride.

Both jobs close July 16th, so we shall see what happens......I'll keep you guys posted.

Goodbyes

So I thought I could mentally prepare for my last few days. Though I expected a few tears, and hugs and maybe a few cards I got even more than that. It's funny how truly unpredictable life really is.

Monday I had lunch with my supervisor, mentor and good friend Sarah and that was my first goodbye moment. She gave me a card and what was written of course made me cry.

Going into the rest of the week I thought I could make it through, I'm tough I can do this. Made it through my potluck on Wednesday which was awesome! Good food, conversations and a chance for all of us to hang out and say goodbye. I lost it when I walked back into my office. There was a card on my desk and I opened it and it talked about saying goodbye and how I will be missed and then I opened it. A $100 VISA gift card fell out. All it said inside was Your friend, Dana. And I started bawling right there, all reserves and emotions I was trying to hold in flooded out. You are probably wondering why it affected me so much but you have to understand the type of person Dana is. He's quiet and reserved and doesn't joke about much. He will go to the end of the earth for anyone and will help out even if he doesn't have to. He's always gone above and beyond for all my programs and I've always appreciated it. He's just done so with few words. So for him to make the big gesture touched me.

Then I got flowers from Reedley Youth Football thanking me for all the work I put in to help their program.


And then this morning Sarah asked if I wanted to go to the pool. Of course! We walk in and everyone scrambles like they got caught with their hand in the cookie jar. And then they say they got me something. Cue the tears. They are an amazing and talented staff that I love dearly so for them to do something like that for me just melts my heart :)

I write this on my lunch sitting in the unlabeled but official recliner that my boss Joel usually sits for my last few moments this afternoon. So here is our last official staff picture. They are truly an amazing bunch!

It's only 1p.m. so who knows what could happen before 5 :)

Learning to let go

A good friend of mine posted this on Facebook: Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing the monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.

Over the last month I have slowly been learning to use the monkey bars as I prepare to walk away from 2.5 years of service to the City of Reedley next week. Some would say that 2.5 years isn't long enough to be that invested or that it's just a job. Sometimes I honestly wish I could say it was just a job.

When I decided after 7 months of commuting from Fresno to Reedley that I wanted to move some were shocked and asked why I didn't just keep commuting, why in the world would I want to move to Reedley. I can tell you why I wanted to move to Reedley. I wanted to move because I couldn't imagine planning programs for people that I didn't know. How was I to know what was best if I wasn't experiencing daily life with them? So God stirred in my heart the desire to move to Reedley, to immerse myself in daily living. To be able to enjoy a walk to the river, or be able to listen to the 12p.m. siren, or to enjoy a bike ride on the trail. And all along He knew I was falling in love with the world's fruit basket.

Going into any project or job or situation I'm always looking at what I can do for the team, for the moment, for the situation. Never with the intention of gaining any glory or recognition from it. In the last month I have gotten more pats on the back, job offers, and emails about how much I am appreciated and loved. It's been humbling and overwhelming all the in same moment. It's humbling because I continue to do what I do because God has instilled in me a love for others and service to those around me. It's overwhelming because I know goodbye's are just around the corner. These moments of appreciation have come from coworkers, parents, participants, community members, and people that I have interacted with in planning programs. Even at a farewell lunch today with a coworker I was told how much I would be missed.

But even though they feel I have contributed a lot I have gained a whole heck of a lot from all of them:

I have learned the true definition of teamwork. That even in the face of adversity and hardship there are a few you can count on to get the job done regardless of circumstance. That the team that beats with one heart will ultimately rise to the occasion.

That even your bosses can in certain situations be a true friend and a confidant in your darkest days.

That if the love of your job comes first there is no such thing as a time clock.

That wearing your heart on your sleeve isn't a weakness it is a sign of passion for the task at hand.

That investing in the teachable moments with a child can take you leaps and bounds with them in the future.

That people may be upset in the moment but will ultimately respect you more in the future for standing your ground.

That the most amazing moments with staff and coworkers will come when you least expect them.

That age is only a number.

And that every moment can teach you something as long as you are open.

There is ultimately pain and sadness on my part because I am human and because at the end of the day no matter how much I smile and say I'm ready for the next step I'm terrified. I'm terrified of letting go and I'm terrified of moving on. I keep clinging to the fact that God absolutely knows what He's doing and I must learn to let go, knowing I really have no control. But in the moment it is easier to preach than to practice.

I thought today about how it will feel to pack up the rest of my office, turn in my keys, badge and City credit card, and walk out that door for the last time. Some have called me a workaholic and I would gladly wear that badge with honor because I know at the end of the day I have not only given up a first job but also a part of myself. If anything that is harder to walk away from than any job.

Blast from the past

I realized after I started my blogspot that I might still have my last blog, a Xanga account. Wow. I read through them tonight. The majority of my time on Xanga was from the end of my freshman year of college (2004) until 2006. I was sooo young, so naive, so lost. And trying to figure it all out on my own. So even thought most are old, I thought why not share what the 19 year old me thought??

What's posted below is from October of 2004:

I don't think I'll ever forget the first time I saw him. We were in eighth grade, and being thirteen most guys hadn't reached their growth spurt. Seeing as how girls grow faster I had already reached 5'8" and most of the guys in my class I looked down on, but the day we sat next to each other in science he was the only one I looked up to. He looked much older than his thirteen years with his 5 o'clock shadow and his large muscular frame. I hadn't seen much variety in our small town, so the fact that he was a bigger guy, who actually looked older and played sports he became the "crush" of the year. Now that I looked back on I would die laughing now at how I flirted back then. Yea to me trading shoes was a big deal, like that meant that some how we would get together haha what if.
When we started high school I watched from a far as girls drooled over him, upperclassman fawned. He excelled at every sport and seemed just ready to start his life in high school . I passed him in the halls everyday wanting to say hi and never really having the nerve. It was just a casual wave that you gave someone you had a class with but never really knew. I knew he was popular and I wasn't but I still had the what if's. I was smart and got good grades, he made up for grades through outstanding feats in football. That year he went to prom with a senior girl and our sophomore year I thought it might be my chance. I planned on asking him to our winter formal, I was a women of the 21st century, so what if I didn't know him that well? What would I lose by asking? Well except my pride and dignity I held my head high and walked away when he told me had to have foot surgery for football. Ouch how much that hurt my pride, and I figured maybe we weren't destined to be together or much less be friends. He'd just be another guy in the hall, someone else in my yearbook.
But then something happened and I realized going in to my junior of high school things had changed and I hadn't really paid attention. He was the one I called on the weekends, he was the one we hung out with. Between football and wrestling we got closer, me throwing his horrible stats in his face or congratulating him on having the most tackles. To me it seemed like over night we had become more than just people passing in the hallway, we were friends.
By my senior year we were always together and people thought that I still had feelings for him and I thought I did to. But walking through the halls one day I watched him walk around that friday the last day he was going to wear his football jersey and I just smiled. He wasn't just a number on roster or someone that I sat next to in class, he was someone I trusted my life with. He never had that foot surgery around winter formal our sophomore year and that became the joke between us that he had been so scared to go that he had lied to me. I remember when I said something to his mom, and that night he got yelled at for hurting me. Now it's just funny. Graduation came and went, we took pictures left and right with our little group that had clung together through our years of growing up. His parents even gave me a gift certificate to Starbuck's because through our years as friends we had always joked about my cravings. It just seemed natural almost being that close to him. We even had baking nights, where we made cowboy cookies, and I remember for my 18th birthday I begged until he made two dozen for me.
I don't think I really understand the meaning of friendship until the night we had to part ways. The summer was finally over and people were slowing starting to leave, going to college, the military, where ever life was going to take them. For me life was taking me to Fresno, and for him life was taking to a full-ride to play college football. His athletic excellence had finally paid off and so had my hard work at keeping my grades up. I told myself I wasn't going to cry that in the back of my head that day had been coming all along. But I know I wasn't ready. How was I supposed to sum up three years of friendship in a simple thank you, a hug and a goodbye? I never had really been good at goodbyes and this one turned up to be harded than I had ever imagined.
I still remember standing in that parking lot like it was yesterday. Looking at his face, this time he didn't have the mangy five o'clock shadow, his facial hair had finally matured into a goatie that seemed to be his trademark. I had no idea what to say, and I had always been good with words. It scared me that I felt so strongly for someone not romantically anymore, but more of the feeling that you would risk anything for them. So instead of making a fuss, I simply said thank you, hugged him and walked back to my car. I didn't look back, I just got in my car and drove away. The entire drive home I couldn't barely see the road, I was shaking so bad and I couldn't seem to stop the tears pouring down my face. I already missed him and he hadn't even left yet.
Now here I sit almost a year and a half later. I look at the pictures of high school of us still in their frames. They probably won't ever be taken out because they represent something that can't be taken away. The friendship that started as a crush. I look to the picture of us a year into to college home for the summer, you can see how much we've changed. I still think about the over grown girl and the boy with the 5 o'clock oh so many years ago. I smile as my eye catches a picture of him in a black jersey, playing football so many miles away, without me there to cheer him on. It just seems so strange that what I wanted at thirteen isn't what I got, but what I have now at ninteen is something that I don't think I'll ever want to let go of.
I called him in the middle of the day today and he answered sounding almost surprised, asking if something was wrong. I laughed and said no that I just wanted to call and say hi. I more importantly wanted to know that what had been such a constant in my life was still there. He told me he was lifting weights, and had practice but that he would call me when he got home. Later tonight my phone rang and without looking I knew it was him and as I answered the first words from his mouth were asking if I was ok. I laughed and said yes I was alright I just wanted to talk. But by the end of the conversation he had gotten what was wrong out of me and I started to tear up, I missed him more than anything. I wanted so badly to be home, be laying on his living room floor talking about the future. But instead I had to face the reality that we were over 15,000 miles apart and that I had to deal with it. I said thank you in a low voice, just like I had said that night so many months ago when I had to say goodbye. But this time it felt more than just a thank you for being there. It was thank you for putting up with, thank you for listening, thank you for being there for me no matter what, thank you for letting me be your best friend.

This blog is about my dear friend Troy Baker, who is still on the other side of the country. I think about him often, see pictures of him around my house, and miss him dearly. We have been friends for over 10 years and I wouldn't trade any of our memories and moments, I just wish he lived closer. So even though this post is almost 6 years old, here's a tribute to a very dear friend.

The first half of 2010

What better way to enter the second half of 2010 then by taking a look back at the first half?

I remember very vividly ringing in the new year at Michelle and Steve's house with friends, very much looking forward to the new year, full of optimism and hope. As though I was literally on top of the world. Spent new years day with my Dad and Step mom in San Jose. The rest of the month went accordingly: hung out with grad school friends prior to the start of the spring semester.

February was relatively quiet :) Maybe the calm before the storm?? Gathered with the O.G.'s (original gangstas) at Mel's house for Superbowl.

March produced anxiety at work, as I dubbed it Marge's Month of Madness.

April I realized I had survived March and was super excited that I had made it through conference, the start of 500 little ones playing baseball, 5 days of fun camp and much more. Then my car got broken into and along with $250 for a new window went a semester's worth of grad school notes and my newly purchased planner from Office Depot. Easily replaceable but still scared me. In the back of my mind I wondered how brave people could be to smash in a person's car window while they were home and in their driveway no less. I guess in some ways I could have been prepared for what happened next but I guess the naive love that I hold for almost any breathing person prevented me from thinking too much into it.

I look very much forward to birthdays in general and even more so to mine. I believe in birthday month because you can never celebrate a birthday for too many days! Though since I was a young girl I developed a dislike to odd year birthdays. Random I know, and I have no idea where I developed this habit but I thought my 25th year would be different. The weekend prior to my birthday was spent with two of my best friends that I share a quad with of days on the calendar in May. Too much to eat, but much needed girl time with these two very special ladies.

Spent my birthday eve with Denise on the beach! Playing hookie from work in the middle of the week to play on the beach??? Sign me up! The best trip I've had in a long time. Came home on my birthday to my house broken into. I cannot describe the fear, the tears, the pain or the scared feeling that came with all of that. I still carry some of that with me and I think I always will. Even though it has been over a month and I have an alarm system I still sleep with a bat. Some habits die hard.

My birthday celebration continued with the O.G's making the trek down and helping to postpone the fear of strangers being in my house and stealing my stuff. My friends in general are amazing and I couldn't have made it through that without all of them.

I would have hoped that would have been it. But I will never know or understand God's plan. Almost two weeks ago I received my lay off notice from the City of Reedley. And while that whole experience is another post in itself this whole month has left me trying to figure out which way is up.

And the only way that I've managed to keep swimming at all is holding on to the faith that our Lord has a plan that even the OCD planner in me cannot come up with. The hardest part of it all is letting go and realizing that I never really knew what I was doing anyways :)