One of my favorite songs is called One Life to Love by 33 mile.
Here is the chorus:
You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life...
To love....
I love this song. That God created us to be on this earth to love others as he loves us everyday. When you are able to see and hear the voices on the ones you love and care for on a regular basis this becomes habit, it becomes common place. You take them for granted and you know that whenever you need them they will be there.
When you move half way across the country, that habit is no longer common place. It's almost as if God wanted to remind me of all the amazing people in my life by putting me 1500 miles away. Appreciation for those in your life takes on a completely new meaning. I will be honest, and most of those close to me know, that I have struggled with this the most since I have left. Partially I think because being an only child I have always been so independent. Though I loved my friends and family dearly, part of me has always been able to be by myself, and I always felt like I could forge my own path. If my friends and family came with me, awesome, if not I could still do it on my own.
I've come to realize I can't do it all on my own. That most of all I have to lean on my faith and my understanding that God's plan is surely the best option, but not my first. And that family and friends were created to show the love and grace that God displays to us everyday.
The people closest to me love me despite my faults. Though I snap at my mother on occasion she loves me regardless. Though I can be difficult and sulky when I'm in a bad mood my friends love me dearly. Though I can be bossy and demanding and at times want things only my way, my friends extend grace.
Next week at this time I will be home. Everyday trip home a different piece of my heart feels something new. This trip though I'm not looking at it through the window of what am I missing out on? But instead I'm looking at as this: look at the amazing people in my life. That are excited to have me home, that are making time in their busy schedules to spend time with me. And I can only think of one feeling to describe how I feel.
BLESSED.
Showing posts with label walking with faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label walking with faith. Show all posts
Friday, August 5, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Blessed
I know you have missed me! And I have missed blogging. Where has the time gone? It is the 17th of January and this is my first post for 2011. To my faithful readers, who ever you are, my apologizes. (This one is for you Tore)
So right before I started writing this post I was searching for apartments. Yes, apartments. In Texas. What??????
6 months, 50 applications, and 16 interviews later, I have a job. I have a job. Can you believe it? I am so excited.
I am the athletics/aquatics coordinator for the City of Sugar Land in the great state of Texas. I still can't believe it is real. It hasn't sunk in yet. I am blessed beyond measure and am completely confident that our gracious and heavenly Father has His hand in this entire process. I am not scared or worried and I am honestly excited for the ride ahead.
Love,
Marge
So right before I started writing this post I was searching for apartments. Yes, apartments. In Texas. What??????
6 months, 50 applications, and 16 interviews later, I have a job. I have a job. Can you believe it? I am so excited.
I am the athletics/aquatics coordinator for the City of Sugar Land in the great state of Texas. I still can't believe it is real. It hasn't sunk in yet. I am blessed beyond measure and am completely confident that our gracious and heavenly Father has His hand in this entire process. I am not scared or worried and I am honestly excited for the ride ahead.
Love,
Marge
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
The little things in life
I will be honest, sometimes I do things in my life sometimes for my own selfish glory, but lately I've found myself doing things more and more for God, and for those around me. To some degree I've always done more for others than for myself. I almost never wonder if I'm going to get recognized for what I do, I do it because I love it. Because it makes me feel alive.
But then there are times when you get messages like these. This is from one of the girls in my small group (see my last post):
Honestly, I was highly upset to hear that Sandy would be leaving the youth group; It was another reason why i took so long to come back.. When I returned to the youth group , there is this(tall) woman there sitting at denise's table.i was kinda distant at first because I was still butt hurt by the whole sandy thing and to me it was like oh great, now i have to share with someone else..
you know how the saying goes:when a door closes,a window opens somewhere else? you are my window!!When I think of it now, im like:im glad sandy left us because if not, i would have never gotten the chance to meet you.you and denise have both been inspirations for me to keep pushing on.i feel like i relate to you and it makes it that much easier to understand god's desires and plans for me through you.i can't thank you enough for all you've done for me.i have been blessed.
so in case i don't get the chance tomorrow,i would like to say i am thankful for you :)
love much, cynthia
Moments like these that you treasure. Moments like these make you realize that there is more to this life than yourself. Moments like these that you know you are exactly where you are supposed to be to help spread the glory and love of God.
But then there are times when you get messages like these. This is from one of the girls in my small group (see my last post):
Honestly, I was highly upset to hear that Sandy would be leaving the youth group; It was another reason why i took so long to come back.. When I returned to the youth group , there is this(tall) woman there sitting at denise's table.i was kinda distant at first because I was still butt hurt by the whole sandy thing and to me it was like oh great, now i have to share with someone else..
you know how the saying goes:when a door closes,a window opens somewhere else? you are my window!!When I think of it now, im like:im glad sandy left us because if not, i would have never gotten the chance to meet you.you and denise have both been inspirations for me to keep pushing on.i feel like i relate to you and it makes it that much easier to understand god's desires and plans for me through you.i can't thank you enough for all you've done for me.i have been blessed.
so in case i don't get the chance tomorrow,i would like to say i am thankful for you :)
love much, cynthia
Moments like these that you treasure. Moments like these make you realize that there is more to this life than yourself. Moments like these that you know you are exactly where you are supposed to be to help spread the glory and love of God.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Praying in the car
So today I got up extra early to have my butt kicked by my trainer at the gym and I loved every moment. Then I got in the car started my drive back to Reedley. I found myself half way home, crying my eyes out, fighting back blinding tears. And here is the story behind them.
In more recent moments over the course of the last 5 or so months of my life, the car has become my place of solace. To be honest the chaos that is this world its where I have the most intimate conversations with God. Crazy I know right? Most would think those conversations would happen before you go to bed, or in your bedroom tucked away from the rest of the world. But I do my talking in the car.
The lead singer of one of my most favorite bands (10th Ave North) describes his talks with God as thought you are talking to a friend. Gut wrenching, heart breaking and honest. So today my talk with God was honest, it was heart breaking and it was hard to say through the tears.
I've been waiting since my 2nd interview on Monday to hear back if I got the job. I decided against my better judgment to call yesterday afternoon because they had said they would have a decision Wednesday. I struggle with patience and I went ahead though in retrospect, I should have just waited. This particular agency outsources their Human Resources and in doing so I have had to work with them. They were not in the interviews on Monday so I assumed they had turned the reins over to the agency. So I called my potential employer and asked if they had made a decision. Turns out Wednesday was their deadline to get their notes to the HR company to make the decision.
I got off the phone feeling like such an idiot, I should have just listened to the voice in my head and not called. So impatient sometimes! Sitting in the middle of the library at Fresno State I broke into tears. I'm not sure if it was the combination of working on my comprehensive exams, and the job situation that sent me over the edge.
I found myself home last night and I was angry. For the first time since this whole situation has started I was mad. I was mad at God, at the situation and at the whole process. I was mad that so far after over 50 applications and 12 interviews no one has offered me a job. I was mad that I lost my job in the first place. I was mad that the state of California cannot seem to manage their money and they have to take it from hard working cities such as Reedley. And I was mad that there seems to be a lack of sensitivity from almost every agency I have applied, and a lackadaisical approach to hiring. Hello people! I am unemployed not just out searching for jobs for the fun of it.
When I was growing up and even in college dealing with my family and my mom in rehab I would get so upset and angry I would throw things just to watch them break. I would pick the closest thing to me and chuck it, in any direction, and watch it shatter. In the moment it always made me feel better, but then I was left cleaning up the mess. I realized last night that I hadn't thrown anything in a really long time, I hadn't thrown something to watch it break since I had really trusted and walked with God. Not that I feel I've gotten any better at the decisions I've made along the way but I have learned to channel my anger, and to ask God for help and relief. I could have asked last night but I decided not to, I wanted to wallow in my pity party.
So instead this morning I let it all out. In the car. My place to be vulnerable, to be mad, to be upset. And to cry like a little kid. And after I got out everything I wanted to say, I felt so much better.
In more recent moments over the course of the last 5 or so months of my life, the car has become my place of solace. To be honest the chaos that is this world its where I have the most intimate conversations with God. Crazy I know right? Most would think those conversations would happen before you go to bed, or in your bedroom tucked away from the rest of the world. But I do my talking in the car.
The lead singer of one of my most favorite bands (10th Ave North) describes his talks with God as thought you are talking to a friend. Gut wrenching, heart breaking and honest. So today my talk with God was honest, it was heart breaking and it was hard to say through the tears.
I've been waiting since my 2nd interview on Monday to hear back if I got the job. I decided against my better judgment to call yesterday afternoon because they had said they would have a decision Wednesday. I struggle with patience and I went ahead though in retrospect, I should have just waited. This particular agency outsources their Human Resources and in doing so I have had to work with them. They were not in the interviews on Monday so I assumed they had turned the reins over to the agency. So I called my potential employer and asked if they had made a decision. Turns out Wednesday was their deadline to get their notes to the HR company to make the decision.
I got off the phone feeling like such an idiot, I should have just listened to the voice in my head and not called. So impatient sometimes! Sitting in the middle of the library at Fresno State I broke into tears. I'm not sure if it was the combination of working on my comprehensive exams, and the job situation that sent me over the edge.
I found myself home last night and I was angry. For the first time since this whole situation has started I was mad. I was mad at God, at the situation and at the whole process. I was mad that so far after over 50 applications and 12 interviews no one has offered me a job. I was mad that I lost my job in the first place. I was mad that the state of California cannot seem to manage their money and they have to take it from hard working cities such as Reedley. And I was mad that there seems to be a lack of sensitivity from almost every agency I have applied, and a lackadaisical approach to hiring. Hello people! I am unemployed not just out searching for jobs for the fun of it.
When I was growing up and even in college dealing with my family and my mom in rehab I would get so upset and angry I would throw things just to watch them break. I would pick the closest thing to me and chuck it, in any direction, and watch it shatter. In the moment it always made me feel better, but then I was left cleaning up the mess. I realized last night that I hadn't thrown anything in a really long time, I hadn't thrown something to watch it break since I had really trusted and walked with God. Not that I feel I've gotten any better at the decisions I've made along the way but I have learned to channel my anger, and to ask God for help and relief. I could have asked last night but I decided not to, I wanted to wallow in my pity party.
So instead this morning I let it all out. In the car. My place to be vulnerable, to be mad, to be upset. And to cry like a little kid. And after I got out everything I wanted to say, I felt so much better.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Humble Pie
These are the questions that have been running though my head since yesterday:
Where is my unemployment check?
How am going to pay the rest of my bills for the end of August when I only have $30?
When am I going to catch a break and feel like I can breathe again?
I've been waiting for my unemployment check since last Thursday and was starting to wonder if the change of address and the temp job had affected things. And I got a letter yesterday stating that my benefits have been delayed until they speak with me during an eligibility interview next Tuesday. Seriously?
I'm writing this post in Starbucks, trying very very very hard not to cry. I can feel my tear ducts welling up. I hate hard lessons, I hate not having idea what my next step is. I wish sometimes that hard lessons came with a handbook. And they don't. The only thing they come with are hard pills to swallow and the chance to cry out to Jesus and pray for guidance and direction.
But of course in the midst of my pity party God always finds a way to put a lesson in front of me and yesterday he put two.
The first is this: Every once in a while MTV actually has decent shows on (gasp!) And yesterday they had an episode of True Life. Most times when I watch this show I know that real people are experiencing this and while I feel bad for then I have no real idea what they are going through.
I watched two episodes: I'm a teenager and I'm homeless, and I've got broke parents. Both of these shows tugged at my heartstrings. The first episode had a girl and her mom who were homeless and living in their car. She celebrated her 17 birthday living in a car, without anything to eat. The second episode had a dad who had lost his job in Flint, MI when the car industry collapsed. He was willing to work for $5 an hour but wasn't able to find any work to support himself or his kids.
And here I am with a roof over my head, a car to drive and food to eat and I'm complaining. And it took a second after my pity party to realize that things could always be worse. That everyday that I wake up to a new day is a day that I need to be grateful for. That I need to realize that I am closer to God than I have ever been because I have nothing to rely on but Him. That I cannot stand on my own to feet before I'm on my knees.
The second lesson yesterday came in the form of a worship song that I haven't heard in a long time, but last night it was exactly what I needed.
Here are the lyrics but check it out on youtube: Mercy Me - Bring the Rain
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Where is my unemployment check?
How am going to pay the rest of my bills for the end of August when I only have $30?
When am I going to catch a break and feel like I can breathe again?
I've been waiting for my unemployment check since last Thursday and was starting to wonder if the change of address and the temp job had affected things. And I got a letter yesterday stating that my benefits have been delayed until they speak with me during an eligibility interview next Tuesday. Seriously?
I'm writing this post in Starbucks, trying very very very hard not to cry. I can feel my tear ducts welling up. I hate hard lessons, I hate not having idea what my next step is. I wish sometimes that hard lessons came with a handbook. And they don't. The only thing they come with are hard pills to swallow and the chance to cry out to Jesus and pray for guidance and direction.
But of course in the midst of my pity party God always finds a way to put a lesson in front of me and yesterday he put two.
The first is this: Every once in a while MTV actually has decent shows on (gasp!) And yesterday they had an episode of True Life. Most times when I watch this show I know that real people are experiencing this and while I feel bad for then I have no real idea what they are going through.
I watched two episodes: I'm a teenager and I'm homeless, and I've got broke parents. Both of these shows tugged at my heartstrings. The first episode had a girl and her mom who were homeless and living in their car. She celebrated her 17 birthday living in a car, without anything to eat. The second episode had a dad who had lost his job in Flint, MI when the car industry collapsed. He was willing to work for $5 an hour but wasn't able to find any work to support himself or his kids.
And here I am with a roof over my head, a car to drive and food to eat and I'm complaining. And it took a second after my pity party to realize that things could always be worse. That everyday that I wake up to a new day is a day that I need to be grateful for. That I need to realize that I am closer to God than I have ever been because I have nothing to rely on but Him. That I cannot stand on my own to feet before I'm on my knees.
The second lesson yesterday came in the form of a worship song that I haven't heard in a long time, but last night it was exactly what I needed.
Here are the lyrics but check it out on youtube: Mercy Me - Bring the Rain
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Friday, August 13, 2010
A moment
Sitting at the dining room table watching papers shuffle across from realtor to seller.
"This can't be happening!" She wants to scream. Instead she marks her initials, ML on the line marked seller.
She can feel the tears welling up as she tries her best to smile and sign, smile and sign. It seems hard to believe that a little over a year ago she was signing on the line marked buyer. And now here she is selling. She knows that this is just a home, but it is her first and she doesn't want to let it go.
Instead she wants to stand in her living room and shout and scream and throw a fit like a little kid. But instead she smiles and says thank you to her realtor and walks him to the door.
And then she does what any sensible 25 year old woman would do. She gets a glass of wine, and a brownie and settles down on the couch for a good cry. Tears streaming down her face, she can't seem to catch her breath. Scared because she has no idea what is around the corner, no idea what plan God has for her and it scares her. She looks around the room and remembers something her realtor said, "Escrow should close around the 3rd of September...." The 3rd of September? 3 weeks to pack up a year and half of memories? This wasn't supposed to be happening, she was supposed to be in this house for another 5 or 10 or 15 years. Not a year and a half.
And that is where she feels her panic setting in again. She's packing for what? To put her stuff in storage, live off unemployment and do what for the next several months and live where? Or is she packing to move to Tahoe?
She tries not to think about the possibilities but she can't help herself. She wants the job in Tahoe so bad she can feel it in her bones, but knows how tough the job market is. She's trying not to get her hopes up, trying not to imagine herself waking up to a view of the lake everyday. Or riding her bike along the Truckee River.
This summer she has learned to trust. To trust in God's plan. But right now she can't see two feet in front of her. But she remembers a good friend's piece of advice: you will come out of this a better, stronger woman. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, wipes her tears, and prays. Prays for peace and understanding, that no matter what happens she remembers she is alive, loved, and covered by grace. And though she has no idea what the future holds, she knows in the end it will all be worth it. And God's plan is better than anything she could of dreamed on her own.
"This can't be happening!" She wants to scream. Instead she marks her initials, ML on the line marked seller.
She can feel the tears welling up as she tries her best to smile and sign, smile and sign. It seems hard to believe that a little over a year ago she was signing on the line marked buyer. And now here she is selling. She knows that this is just a home, but it is her first and she doesn't want to let it go.
Instead she wants to stand in her living room and shout and scream and throw a fit like a little kid. But instead she smiles and says thank you to her realtor and walks him to the door.
And then she does what any sensible 25 year old woman would do. She gets a glass of wine, and a brownie and settles down on the couch for a good cry. Tears streaming down her face, she can't seem to catch her breath. Scared because she has no idea what is around the corner, no idea what plan God has for her and it scares her. She looks around the room and remembers something her realtor said, "Escrow should close around the 3rd of September...." The 3rd of September? 3 weeks to pack up a year and half of memories? This wasn't supposed to be happening, she was supposed to be in this house for another 5 or 10 or 15 years. Not a year and a half.
And that is where she feels her panic setting in again. She's packing for what? To put her stuff in storage, live off unemployment and do what for the next several months and live where? Or is she packing to move to Tahoe?
She tries not to think about the possibilities but she can't help herself. She wants the job in Tahoe so bad she can feel it in her bones, but knows how tough the job market is. She's trying not to get her hopes up, trying not to imagine herself waking up to a view of the lake everyday. Or riding her bike along the Truckee River.
This summer she has learned to trust. To trust in God's plan. But right now she can't see two feet in front of her. But she remembers a good friend's piece of advice: you will come out of this a better, stronger woman. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, wipes her tears, and prays. Prays for peace and understanding, that no matter what happens she remembers she is alive, loved, and covered by grace. And though she has no idea what the future holds, she knows in the end it will all be worth it. And God's plan is better than anything she could of dreamed on her own.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Heading into the sunset............
Tomorrow at 2p.m. I'm heading out with 27 others to serve our amazing and wonderful Father in Mexico. I am nervous, I am excited. I cannot wait to see what transformation God will not only make in those we are serving but also my fellow com padres and myself. I think I might need the most work, but God does love a work in progress. I smile when I think of how amazing and wonderful God is and that originally I was not going to be able to go on this trip because of work and then that door closed and I get the amazing opportunity to go to Mexico and serve.
I came home today to the for sale sign in my front yard. I knew it was coming, but it just hurts. I know that a home is wherever you are, and your family and God and love. And I know I will have another home, but letting go of the first one is proving to be harder than I thought. My Realtor is showing it twice on Monday, I am honestly glad that I will be out of town. I remember when we sold our house in Mt. Ranch. And how upset I was, being only 13 I didn't understand why my parents were splitting up, let along why we were selling MY house. And now here I am 12 years later selling my first house. I have to keep bringing myself back to the Lord and remembering that even he though he takes away he provides as well. And I just pray that he will continue to do that for me.
On the job front.....I have 6 applications out. All across the country. And 5 of the 6 close tomorrow and the last one emailed yesterday and said they would be reviewing them next week.
Here is the list:
Tahoe City, CA
North Bend, WA
Rockwall, TX
Golden, CO
Richland County, MT
Bellevue, WI
What is everyone's vote!!???
I know it's crazy that only one of the jobs is in California. Trust me I have heard it from everyone. Though I love my friends and family dearly I have to take this opportunity to at least see what else is out there. I feel I owe myself that at least. The last time I had the opportunity to look else where I didn't, mainly because I wasn't ready to leave the Central Valley, I was dating someone, and honestly God had another plan. To bring me to Reedley.
But I feel this door is closed, and I am ready to be wherever God wants and needs me to be. So here is praying that one of these turns into a job.
Next time you hear from me I will be back from Mexico hopefully a more inspired and stronger messenger of the gospel (with a few job interviews too). Pray for us!
I came home today to the for sale sign in my front yard. I knew it was coming, but it just hurts. I know that a home is wherever you are, and your family and God and love. And I know I will have another home, but letting go of the first one is proving to be harder than I thought. My Realtor is showing it twice on Monday, I am honestly glad that I will be out of town. I remember when we sold our house in Mt. Ranch. And how upset I was, being only 13 I didn't understand why my parents were splitting up, let along why we were selling MY house. And now here I am 12 years later selling my first house. I have to keep bringing myself back to the Lord and remembering that even he though he takes away he provides as well. And I just pray that he will continue to do that for me.
On the job front.....I have 6 applications out. All across the country. And 5 of the 6 close tomorrow and the last one emailed yesterday and said they would be reviewing them next week.
Here is the list:
Tahoe City, CA
North Bend, WA
Rockwall, TX
Golden, CO
Richland County, MT
Bellevue, WI
What is everyone's vote!!???
I know it's crazy that only one of the jobs is in California. Trust me I have heard it from everyone. Though I love my friends and family dearly I have to take this opportunity to at least see what else is out there. I feel I owe myself that at least. The last time I had the opportunity to look else where I didn't, mainly because I wasn't ready to leave the Central Valley, I was dating someone, and honestly God had another plan. To bring me to Reedley.
But I feel this door is closed, and I am ready to be wherever God wants and needs me to be. So here is praying that one of these turns into a job.
Next time you hear from me I will be back from Mexico hopefully a more inspired and stronger messenger of the gospel (with a few job interviews too). Pray for us!
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