Praying in the car

So today I got up extra early to have my butt kicked by my trainer at the gym and I loved every moment. Then I got in the car started my drive back to Reedley. I found myself half way home, crying my eyes out, fighting back blinding tears. And here is the story behind them.

In more recent moments over the course of the last 5 or so months of my life, the car has become my place of solace. To be honest the chaos that is this world its where I have the most intimate conversations with God. Crazy I know right? Most would think those conversations would happen before you go to bed, or in your bedroom tucked away from the rest of the world. But I do my talking in the car.

The lead singer of one of my most favorite bands (10th Ave North) describes his talks with God as thought you are talking to a friend. Gut wrenching, heart breaking and honest. So today my talk with God was honest, it was heart breaking and it was hard to say through the tears.

I've been waiting since my 2nd interview on Monday to hear back if I got the job. I decided against my better judgment to call yesterday afternoon because they had said they would have a decision Wednesday. I struggle with patience and I went ahead though in retrospect, I should have just waited. This particular agency outsources their Human Resources and in doing so I have had to work with them. They were not in the interviews on Monday so I assumed they had turned the reins over to the agency. So I called my potential employer and asked if they had made a decision. Turns out Wednesday was their deadline to get their notes to the HR company to make the decision.

I got off the phone feeling like such an idiot, I should have just listened to the voice in my head and not called. So impatient sometimes! Sitting in the middle of the library at Fresno State I broke into tears. I'm not sure if it was the combination of working on my comprehensive exams, and the job situation that sent me over the edge.

I found myself home last night and I was angry. For the first time since this whole situation has started I was mad. I was mad at God, at the situation and at the whole process. I was mad that so far after over 50 applications and 12 interviews no one has offered me a job. I was mad that I lost my job in the first place. I was mad that the state of California cannot seem to manage their money and they have to take it from hard working cities such as Reedley. And I was mad that there seems to be a lack of sensitivity from almost every agency I have applied, and a lackadaisical approach to hiring. Hello people! I am unemployed not just out searching for jobs for the fun of it.

When I was growing up and even in college dealing with my family and my mom in rehab I would get so upset and angry I would throw things just to watch them break. I would pick the closest thing to me and chuck it, in any direction, and watch it shatter. In the moment it always made me feel better, but then I was left cleaning up the mess. I realized last night that I hadn't thrown anything in a really long time, I hadn't thrown something to watch it break since I had really trusted and walked with God. Not that I feel I've gotten any better at the decisions I've made along the way but I have learned to channel my anger, and to ask God for help and relief. I could have asked last night but I decided not to, I wanted to wallow in my pity party.

So instead this morning I let it all out. In the car. My place to be vulnerable, to be mad, to be upset. And to cry like a little kid. And after I got out everything I wanted to say, I felt so much better.

Things I am thankful for

I've realized in the last few weeks after many job interviews and many rejections that I had been in a sort of I hate life mode. And everyone in it sort of slump. That nothing in my life was good enough. But that is not who I am or who I want to be. I realized that I haven't told God thank you in a while. That I haven't said thank you for everything good or bad.

So here is my list:

I'm thankful that my birth mom loved me enough to give me up.

I'm thankful that my parents, though they have their own issues, have loved me in their own ways unconditionally since the day they brought me home from the hospital.

I'm thankful for my Gma. She has been my rock. When I get the chance to go home (I'm headed up there tomorrow!) I'm reminded that on County Road 25 I can be 7 again.

I'm thankful for my amazing friends. The one's that have loved me unconditionally.

I'm thankful for my ability to get my bachelor's and my master's degree.

I'm thankful for God's grace, mercy and love. That no matter what I do He is always there with arm's wide open.

I'm thankful when I wake up in the morning.

I'm thankful that tomorrow is a new day.

I'm thankful for the amazing people that have walked into my life in the last few years.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. :)

Trying to contain my excitement

I said I wasn't going to do this. I wasn't going to start apartment searching, and looking at the surrounding cities and day dreaming of living there. But I'm ready. I'm ready to put everything in a u-haul and drive for over 1,300 miles to the town of Trophy Club, Texas.

I know its nuts right. Texas. I've never lived in another state. And here I am 25, single, unemployed and possibly jetting out on the most amazing adventure of my life. It feels like the next chapter is around the corner and I am ready. No what ifs, no I wonder if this happens, just ready and willing to go if the door is open.

Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow I find out if I made the top 2. If I make the top 2 I fly to Texas for my 2nd interview.

And if the call is not what I'm expecting then I will delete the bookmarks of apartments, stop staring at the town square and I will move on. But for today I will dream and dream big, at this point anything is possible.

This life

Today is October 1st. Today is also the start of month four of this journey down the life of the unemployed. And for the first time in a long time, doubt crept up in my thoughts as I went about my day. I even found myself crying in the car after leaving the Community Center today.

Over the course of the last three months I have ventured back to the Community Center to visit and chat with my former coworkers and I have enjoyed each visit. I enjoyed it today as I recorded a goodbye to a wonderful former coworker who is retiring after 38 years of service to the City.

But I guess the fact that I have applied to nearly 30 places, have yet to get a job, and have no concrete answer to what the future holds, the ugly beast that is doubt crept up on me today. I think the tears flowed because I hate how much I took for granted when I was working. I took for granted the amount of money that was direct deposited into my account every other week, the great relationships I had with my coworkers and bosses, and the work that I got to do each day. I never had a time line of when I would leave but in the back of my mind I always thought I would leave first, that another window of opportunity would open and I would leave to further my career. Not that I would be left standing with the door shutting behind me.

Funny what you realize when where you end up is no where near the plans you had filed under the folder labeled "future". I think that was a rude awakening for me today, even though its been months. The realization that this life is not planned by me or by what I do, and no matter how much I try I can't control today, let alone tomorrow.

Doubt is ugly because it leaves you questioning where you are today, the decisions you are making and what you are doing. I have to keep remembering that life goes through seasons, and just like summer and this 100 degree heat I would like to move onto the next season. Maybe with the changing of the weather will come a change in the path of my life, and a job that I would desperately love to have.

I look back over the course of my life and I see all these situations in which God took control and I was thrust on a path that led me to where I am today. If he hadn't pushed me onto a certain path I wouldn't have grown into who I am today. I continue to pray that this life and season and moment will be one I can look back on and say: If i hadn't lost my job in Reedley I wouldn't have ended up here. Wherever here is I hope I find myself there soon.

Random facts

1. I love coffee in any form. Mostly though as an iced coffee with 2 pumps of both mocha and white mocha in the summer, and an extra hot mocha in the winter.

2. Over the last 6 months my life has completely been turned upside down and I have come to realize "the plan" is no doing of my own.

3. I'm extremely claustrophobic but have been spelunking.

4. I've never been more excited to see what the future holds.

5. In almost exactly EIGHT months I will be done with grad school. Less than TWO months until I work on the comps. My heart stops momentarily every time I think about it.

6. I love my friends dearly and am so grateful to have them in my life.

7. I never realized how close you could get to God when things feel like they may never change, that you may be stuck in a certain situation forever. But a little light shines down and you feel a peace and you know that some how everything is going to be o.k.

8. I love working on any sort of project (minus yard work) and watching it go from start to finish.

9. At some point in my life I would like to live in the middle of no where.

10. Life is full of ups and downs, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thoughts

So here is an update of my life in its current state :)

I have a phone interview tomorrow morning at 10a.m. with a city called Trophy Club in the good 'ol state of Texas. I'm excited to see what comes of it. It amazes me that any of these interviews could turn into a job in a blink of an eye.

Still sending in applications. Yesterday: Fair Oaks, Ca. Today; DeSoto, Tx.

I took a glorious 1.5 hour nap today and loved every minute of it.

I'm heading back home next weekend to see the girls and the Grandma. I couldn't be more thrilled. I'm excited to hang out, see my friends and family and take a moment.

I finished all my readings for this Thursday's class on Tuesday night. Go me. The paper due next Thursday: haven't even started. Ah the procrastination.

Speaking of procrastination: I checked out 10 books for my research paper but have yet to start my outline.

I started walking with Karen in the morning. My drive to exercise got lost along the way. To think last year at this time I was training for a half marathon. I'm pretty sure if I tried to run more than a few feet I would have to be taken to the hospital.

So that is the excitement in my life. Hope everyone is having a great week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Humble Pie

These are the questions that have been running though my head since yesterday:

Where is my unemployment check?

How am going to pay the rest of my bills for the end of August when I only have $30?

When am I going to catch a break and feel like I can breathe again?

I've been waiting for my unemployment check since last Thursday and was starting to wonder if the change of address and the temp job had affected things. And I got a letter yesterday stating that my benefits have been delayed until they speak with me during an eligibility interview next Tuesday. Seriously?

I'm writing this post in Starbucks, trying very very very hard not to cry. I can feel my tear ducts welling up. I hate hard lessons, I hate not having idea what my next step is. I wish sometimes that hard lessons came with a handbook. And they don't. The only thing they come with are hard pills to swallow and the chance to cry out to Jesus and pray for guidance and direction.

But of course in the midst of my pity party God always finds a way to put a lesson in front of me and yesterday he put two.

The first is this: Every once in a while MTV actually has decent shows on (gasp!) And yesterday they had an episode of True Life. Most times when I watch this show I know that real people are experiencing this and while I feel bad for then I have no real idea what they are going through.

I watched two episodes: I'm a teenager and I'm homeless, and I've got broke parents. Both of these shows tugged at my heartstrings. The first episode had a girl and her mom who were homeless and living in their car. She celebrated her 17 birthday living in a car, without anything to eat. The second episode had a dad who had lost his job in Flint, MI when the car industry collapsed. He was willing to work for $5 an hour but wasn't able to find any work to support himself or his kids.

And here I am with a roof over my head, a car to drive and food to eat and I'm complaining. And it took a second after my pity party to realize that things could always be worse. That everyday that I wake up to a new day is a day that I need to be grateful for. That I need to realize that I am closer to God than I have ever been because I have nothing to rely on but Him. That I cannot stand on my own to feet before I'm on my knees.

The second lesson yesterday came in the form of a worship song that I haven't heard in a long time, but last night it was exactly what I needed.

Here are the lyrics but check it out on youtube: Mercy Me - Bring the Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty