A moment

Sitting at the dining room table watching papers shuffle across from realtor to seller.

"This can't be happening!" She wants to scream. Instead she marks her initials, ML on the line marked seller.

She can feel the tears welling up as she tries her best to smile and sign, smile and sign. It seems hard to believe that a little over a year ago she was signing on the line marked buyer. And now here she is selling. She knows that this is just a home, but it is her first and she doesn't want to let it go.

Instead she wants to stand in her living room and shout and scream and throw a fit like a little kid. But instead she smiles and says thank you to her realtor and walks him to the door.

And then she does what any sensible 25 year old woman would do. She gets a glass of wine, and a brownie and settles down on the couch for a good cry. Tears streaming down her face, she can't seem to catch her breath. Scared because she has no idea what is around the corner, no idea what plan God has for her and it scares her. She looks around the room and remembers something her realtor said, "Escrow should close around the 3rd of September...." The 3rd of September? 3 weeks to pack up a year and half of memories? This wasn't supposed to be happening, she was supposed to be in this house for another 5 or 10 or 15 years. Not a year and a half.

And that is where she feels her panic setting in again. She's packing for what? To put her stuff in storage, live off unemployment and do what for the next several months and live where? Or is she packing to move to Tahoe?

She tries not to think about the possibilities but she can't help herself. She wants the job in Tahoe so bad she can feel it in her bones, but knows how tough the job market is. She's trying not to get her hopes up, trying not to imagine herself waking up to a view of the lake everyday. Or riding her bike along the Truckee River.

This summer she has learned to trust. To trust in God's plan. But right now she can't see two feet in front of her. But she remembers a good friend's piece of advice: you will come out of this a better, stronger woman. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, wipes her tears, and prays. Prays for peace and understanding, that no matter what happens she remembers she is alive, loved, and covered by grace. And though she has no idea what the future holds, she knows in the end it will all be worth it. And God's plan is better than anything she could of dreamed on her own.

Crossroads

I'm not even sure where I should start with this post :)

I still find it interesting that it has been 3 months since my life was completely turned upside down. Who knew this would be the most amazing summer? Ever.

I think about where I would be today if I hadn't lost my job and the dominos hadn't started falling at a rapid pace. But then I wouldn't be right here, right where I know I'm supposed to be.

So here is the current status of my life:

My time in Mexico brought me closer to God, closer to amazing people in Reedley and pretty much changed my life. I had no idea what one week could do for me spiritually and mentally.

Then came the Tahoe interview, and the second Tahoe interview and the waiting. To be told I was over qualified. That's awesome. I'm 25 and overqualified? I solved that problem by eating my unique half pound box of See's Candy. Chocolate can always work wonders.

With that door closed I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted to sit on the floor like a child, throw a fit, and do nothing. Wait for everything to happen to me.

But of course I don't operate like that so I started my search again. I think I'm on application number 15! Applying everywhere and anywhere again. Doing some more waiting, but this time I feel less nervous and anxious. I know that the Lord will reveal his plan when the time is right.

The house sold and escrow closes on the 10th. Crazy to think I'm 25 and I've already bought and sold my first house, lost my first job...... I'm staying in Reedley for the time being and moving in with a lady that went to Mexico with us. She has the cutest mother in law unit in the back of her house so that will become home for the next time period in my life.

School started last week. Human resource management and independent study. Who's excited??? :) I'm ready for this year and this semester, lets hope my motiviation doesn't turn into procrastination.

I'm in week 2 of a temp job with the school district. I like it, and it's something to do which is nice. Makes me feel productive!

So this is the current state of my life. Even though it changes daily, I am truly blessed and happy. Happy to have a roof over my head, money in my pocket and a beautiful life to live.

I'm off to pack, hope everyone has an amazing week!!

Heading into the sunset............

Tomorrow at 2p.m. I'm heading out with 27 others to serve our amazing and wonderful Father in Mexico. I am nervous, I am excited. I cannot wait to see what transformation God will not only make in those we are serving but also my fellow com padres and myself. I think I might need the most work, but God does love a work in progress. I smile when I think of how amazing and wonderful God is and that originally I was not going to be able to go on this trip because of work and then that door closed and I get the amazing opportunity to go to Mexico and serve.

I came home today to the for sale sign in my front yard. I knew it was coming, but it just hurts. I know that a home is wherever you are, and your family and God and love. And I know I will have another home, but letting go of the first one is proving to be harder than I thought. My Realtor is showing it twice on Monday, I am honestly glad that I will be out of town. I remember when we sold our house in Mt. Ranch. And how upset I was, being only 13 I didn't understand why my parents were splitting up, let along why we were selling MY house. And now here I am 12 years later selling my first house. I have to keep bringing myself back to the Lord and remembering that even he though he takes away he provides as well. And I just pray that he will continue to do that for me.

On the job front.....I have 6 applications out. All across the country. And 5 of the 6 close tomorrow and the last one emailed yesterday and said they would be reviewing them next week.

Here is the list:

Tahoe City, CA
North Bend, WA
Rockwall, TX
Golden, CO
Richland County, MT
Bellevue, WI

What is everyone's vote!!???

I know it's crazy that only one of the jobs is in California. Trust me I have heard it from everyone. Though I love my friends and family dearly I have to take this opportunity to at least see what else is out there. I feel I owe myself that at least. The last time I had the opportunity to look else where I didn't, mainly because I wasn't ready to leave the Central Valley, I was dating someone, and honestly God had another plan. To bring me to Reedley.

But I feel this door is closed, and I am ready to be wherever God wants and needs me to be. So here is praying that one of these turns into a job.

Next time you hear from me I will be back from Mexico hopefully a more inspired and stronger messenger of the gospel (with a few job interviews too). Pray for us!

Life is amazing and beautiful

This past weekend was AMAZING. I love my friends. And got to meet new ones such as Chloe, and Molly, and John. And got to experience Disneyland with some amazing people. Who couldn't have enjoyed that?

So here we are at beginning:

And then all of us on the Haunted Mansion ride Day 2:

AND MY FAVORITE RIDE:

California Adventure at night:

And us at the end:

Live like no one else, so you can live like no one else.

Who has read, listened to, learned and laughed with Dave Ramsey??

He teaches on financial freedom and his most commonly taught class is called financial peace university. While I am not currently enrolled in his class I am forever indebted to my dear friend Dawn for lending me the CD's from her class. They have given me hope when everything looked a little dim.

His main motto is "Live like no one else, so you can live like no else" This takes sacrifice, it takes going against the grain of the typical American. I'm done being the middle class citizen and I am going to work my way to financial freedom and wealth! Perfect timing when I'm unemployed with around $5,000 in debt looming over me!

He lists in your budget as necessities being food, clothing, transportation, utilities, and shelter. Basic stuff right???

The first thing I could knock off the necessities list is clothing! Who knew all of the Gma's shopping would help me in the long run!

I received my unemployment benefits statement yesterday, who knew the state would actually be timely on something??? :) And the monthly amount will cover the necessities listed. And that is it. Literally. Other than about $1,000 in savings I have no other money. Who knew the 3-6 months in expenses was a good idea??

But of course like the average American I have bills other than the necessities which include credit cards, cell phone bill (he covers basic phone in his necessities list, I'm wondering if my $79 bill is a necessity??? :)), gym membership, etc. These "bills" even with the credit cards at a minimum total $375 a month. Woah. Where am I going to find $375 a month even for one or two months until I find a job?

(And the sad part is the unemployment is $700 less than I made full time, and where did that money go??????)

One of Dave Ramsey's theories when you are in debt is to sell everything you can sell in your house until the kids think they are next.

So a lot of the extras that have filled my house are up on craigslist. Go check them out! I know what you are thinking! Am I losing it?? Selling my stuff? I can always buy new stuff later when I have the cash and the means to do so.

And the question that is resting on everyone's mind..the house. My first house. My own space. All mine. It's going on the market. I'm getting out from underneath it before I lose myself trying to hold on to something like a house. I am fourtante to have options in terms of place to live if the house sells before I have a job. And I am so greatful, it makes the decision to sell the house easier because I know I will not be homeless.

It finally hit me today after much speclation that this door is closing, not just the door that closed when I stopped working for the City but the door of living in the central valley. Today my therapist was walking through all my options with me and she said this and a light bulb when off: "You seem to already have one foot out the door." And I guess I do, it's like I've been slowly inching there. And while I know there are many people here that I love dearly, and memories, and places that I love it's time for the next chapter. And I know people will be dissapointed that I am leaving but I truly feel its time.

I've been hesistant to make decisions over the last month because I honestly think I wanted God to say here! Here is the perfect plan, I made it and here it is. And lay it out for me. And he hasn't completely done that. And I can't spend my life waiting for that moment of perfect clarity. Because that's be honest, when is God going to completely show us the cards??? I know he is walking beside me and I have to remember him in everything I do. If I make a poor decision I know it will be revealed and He will walk with me. Good or bad or indifferent He is here as long as I ask Him to be and I trust in Him. And I'm trusting in Him by taking this leap of faith and walking head first into my future. Wherever that may be.

A place....

There is a place nestled east of Stockton in the foothills of the Sierras. In recent years this place has aquired the more status quo stuff like starbucks and lowes and subways. This is a place where the people per square mile is less than the cows, where there are no stop lights, where you can leave your car and front door unlocked at night and nothing will happen. Where the biggest town has 6,000 people.

This place is called Calaveras County.

And this is place that I grew up in. Where I participated in 4-H, raised steers, sheep, goats, and my closest neighbor was over a mile. Where I met my best friends, learned to love football sitting in a crowded home bleacher under the lights on a Friday night. Where I learned to drive. Where I made many mistakes, cried many tears and loved many people.

Everytime I come back I feel differently about this place and the special place it holds in my heart. I went to dinner with my mom on Thursday night and ran into my 4th grade teacher. This morning one of the first people I met in kindergarten called because she knew I was home and wanted to catch up. This afternoon I came to Starbucks to write this post and spent 30 minutes catching up with a friend I haven't seen in 10 years. Like I said everyone knows you, and knows what you are up to even if you haven't been home in eyars.

Coming home under the current conditions makes me look at life a little differently. This place will always have a piece of my heart. No matter where I consider moving or where I end up, there is something about Calaveras County that I can't seem to walk away from.

It's a place that created who I am and helped build the person I am today. And even though its country, and small and there are nosy people here I love it. This is the place I call home and even when I have no idea what I'm doing I know that Calaveras County will always be there if I need a reminder of where I came from.

A door closed...

Dear Ms. Margaret Littleton:

Thank you for considering Cosumnes Community Services District Parks and Recreation Department, and for the time and energy you dedicated to our recruitment process for the current part-time Recreation Coordinator in the Teens and Skate Park.

This recruitment process provided the District with a large pool of qualified candidates. Although your background and qualifications meet some of our requirements and/or preferences, they are not the exact match we were looking for to fill this position at this time.

Your name and application will be kept on an eligibility list for 90-days. In the event another Coordinator position becomes available a Human Resources representative may contact you to schedule an interview.

Again, on behalf of the Cosumnes Community Services District, we thank you for your interest in applying for this position, and encourage you to continue to watch our web site at www.yourcsd.com for future employment opportunities.


Sincerely,


Human Resources

So the first of the closed doors.........................................

I have a million and one questions, need a million and one answers. But I can't even start to think of what they are or what order they should be in........