I am so thankful for my crazy hair brain mother. Our relationship is crazy, its different. It has had its ups and downs. There have been times when I have been ashamed of her, where we've fought more than we've loved. But at the end of the day she is my mother and I love her dearly. As I get older I know that I've said things that have hurt her and I know she can't change some of the decisions she has made, but together we have to move past them.
Last night I found out I that I failed three of the six comprehensive exams I have for grad school. And I freaked. With this new age of technology and my mother's hearing problems I texted her to tell her the outcome. And of course I was upset so I went to worst case scenario and said I could fail out of grad school next week.
And this is what I got back: I don't think that will happen, you are smart. You just have too much pressure on you. I have faith you will make it :)
And I cried like a baby. She can still fix anything. Even through a text message. Even though most of the time I act like at 25 I have everything so together that I don't need anything from my parents, I needed that. But sometimes I need her in my corner, telling me that regardless of what happens, I can do this.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
The little things in life
I will be honest, sometimes I do things in my life sometimes for my own selfish glory, but lately I've found myself doing things more and more for God, and for those around me. To some degree I've always done more for others than for myself. I almost never wonder if I'm going to get recognized for what I do, I do it because I love it. Because it makes me feel alive.
But then there are times when you get messages like these. This is from one of the girls in my small group (see my last post):
Honestly, I was highly upset to hear that Sandy would be leaving the youth group; It was another reason why i took so long to come back.. When I returned to the youth group , there is this(tall) woman there sitting at denise's table.i was kinda distant at first because I was still butt hurt by the whole sandy thing and to me it was like oh great, now i have to share with someone else..
you know how the saying goes:when a door closes,a window opens somewhere else? you are my window!!When I think of it now, im like:im glad sandy left us because if not, i would have never gotten the chance to meet you.you and denise have both been inspirations for me to keep pushing on.i feel like i relate to you and it makes it that much easier to understand god's desires and plans for me through you.i can't thank you enough for all you've done for me.i have been blessed.
so in case i don't get the chance tomorrow,i would like to say i am thankful for you :)
love much, cynthia
Moments like these that you treasure. Moments like these make you realize that there is more to this life than yourself. Moments like these that you know you are exactly where you are supposed to be to help spread the glory and love of God.
But then there are times when you get messages like these. This is from one of the girls in my small group (see my last post):
Honestly, I was highly upset to hear that Sandy would be leaving the youth group; It was another reason why i took so long to come back.. When I returned to the youth group , there is this(tall) woman there sitting at denise's table.i was kinda distant at first because I was still butt hurt by the whole sandy thing and to me it was like oh great, now i have to share with someone else..
you know how the saying goes:when a door closes,a window opens somewhere else? you are my window!!When I think of it now, im like:im glad sandy left us because if not, i would have never gotten the chance to meet you.you and denise have both been inspirations for me to keep pushing on.i feel like i relate to you and it makes it that much easier to understand god's desires and plans for me through you.i can't thank you enough for all you've done for me.i have been blessed.
so in case i don't get the chance tomorrow,i would like to say i am thankful for you :)
love much, cynthia
Moments like these that you treasure. Moments like these make you realize that there is more to this life than yourself. Moments like these that you know you are exactly where you are supposed to be to help spread the glory and love of God.
Monday, November 15, 2010
The girls of the class of 2013
Its funny when you realize one decision can change your life. That there are times in our life when God opens a door and you are hesitant to walk through it. But when you look back you know that is exactly where you were supposed to be, and that every step along the way has lead you to that moment. This is a story of my journey with saying yes to a question I felt I wanted to run from. But instead I walked through the open door.
I will never forget the day that I was asked if I would consider working with high school ministry. I could hear myself saying yes but inside I was completely freaking out. How was I supposed to help high school students on their walk with God? I hadn't been a Christian long enough and I definitely hadn't been walking with God long enough to be able to teach anyone anything.
I will never forget the first time I met the girls from the class of 2013. I realized a short time later that I was ten years their senior and when I would be celebrating my 10 year class reunion when they would be graduating from high school. I was terrified the first time I met them but I left feeling different. I felt at home. I'm not sure if that had something to do with the amazing co leader God had put me with or all the young energetic faces I found around the table that night.
That night was over 8 months ago, and it seems like such a distant memory. Now Wednesday nights have such a different meaning. They represent a time when I come to minister to young adults but more often than not I am left with my heart filled with more love and compassion than I came with.
I think back to myself 10 years ago at the age of 15 and I wish I knew half of the things I know now. But since I do I wanted to tell these amazing girls something. I pray that you wake up every day and thank God for all of the blessings in your life, good or bad, small or big. That you remember that every day is a gift. That you take time to get to know the people at school that you might not give a second glance to. That you remember that you don't have to have everything figured out by now. That everyday is a journey in self discovery and discovery of who the person God wants you to be.
These girls are amazing, they are beautiful, they are full of life and laughter. They have changed my life is ways I never thought a group of high-schoolers ever could. And I know the day may come that I may leave this amazing group of girls but part of my heart will always be with them.
They have taught me more about life, love, forgiveness, joy, laughter, and compassion than I have learned in my entire 25 years on this earth. And I thank God everyday that he opened this door and that I had enough sense to walk through it.
I will never forget the day that I was asked if I would consider working with high school ministry. I could hear myself saying yes but inside I was completely freaking out. How was I supposed to help high school students on their walk with God? I hadn't been a Christian long enough and I definitely hadn't been walking with God long enough to be able to teach anyone anything.
I will never forget the first time I met the girls from the class of 2013. I realized a short time later that I was ten years their senior and when I would be celebrating my 10 year class reunion when they would be graduating from high school. I was terrified the first time I met them but I left feeling different. I felt at home. I'm not sure if that had something to do with the amazing co leader God had put me with or all the young energetic faces I found around the table that night.
That night was over 8 months ago, and it seems like such a distant memory. Now Wednesday nights have such a different meaning. They represent a time when I come to minister to young adults but more often than not I am left with my heart filled with more love and compassion than I came with.
I think back to myself 10 years ago at the age of 15 and I wish I knew half of the things I know now. But since I do I wanted to tell these amazing girls something. I pray that you wake up every day and thank God for all of the blessings in your life, good or bad, small or big. That you remember that every day is a gift. That you take time to get to know the people at school that you might not give a second glance to. That you remember that you don't have to have everything figured out by now. That everyday is a journey in self discovery and discovery of who the person God wants you to be.
These girls are amazing, they are beautiful, they are full of life and laughter. They have changed my life is ways I never thought a group of high-schoolers ever could. And I know the day may come that I may leave this amazing group of girls but part of my heart will always be with them.
They have taught me more about life, love, forgiveness, joy, laughter, and compassion than I have learned in my entire 25 years on this earth. And I thank God everyday that he opened this door and that I had enough sense to walk through it.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Praying in the car
So today I got up extra early to have my butt kicked by my trainer at the gym and I loved every moment. Then I got in the car started my drive back to Reedley. I found myself half way home, crying my eyes out, fighting back blinding tears. And here is the story behind them.
In more recent moments over the course of the last 5 or so months of my life, the car has become my place of solace. To be honest the chaos that is this world its where I have the most intimate conversations with God. Crazy I know right? Most would think those conversations would happen before you go to bed, or in your bedroom tucked away from the rest of the world. But I do my talking in the car.
The lead singer of one of my most favorite bands (10th Ave North) describes his talks with God as thought you are talking to a friend. Gut wrenching, heart breaking and honest. So today my talk with God was honest, it was heart breaking and it was hard to say through the tears.
I've been waiting since my 2nd interview on Monday to hear back if I got the job. I decided against my better judgment to call yesterday afternoon because they had said they would have a decision Wednesday. I struggle with patience and I went ahead though in retrospect, I should have just waited. This particular agency outsources their Human Resources and in doing so I have had to work with them. They were not in the interviews on Monday so I assumed they had turned the reins over to the agency. So I called my potential employer and asked if they had made a decision. Turns out Wednesday was their deadline to get their notes to the HR company to make the decision.
I got off the phone feeling like such an idiot, I should have just listened to the voice in my head and not called. So impatient sometimes! Sitting in the middle of the library at Fresno State I broke into tears. I'm not sure if it was the combination of working on my comprehensive exams, and the job situation that sent me over the edge.
I found myself home last night and I was angry. For the first time since this whole situation has started I was mad. I was mad at God, at the situation and at the whole process. I was mad that so far after over 50 applications and 12 interviews no one has offered me a job. I was mad that I lost my job in the first place. I was mad that the state of California cannot seem to manage their money and they have to take it from hard working cities such as Reedley. And I was mad that there seems to be a lack of sensitivity from almost every agency I have applied, and a lackadaisical approach to hiring. Hello people! I am unemployed not just out searching for jobs for the fun of it.
When I was growing up and even in college dealing with my family and my mom in rehab I would get so upset and angry I would throw things just to watch them break. I would pick the closest thing to me and chuck it, in any direction, and watch it shatter. In the moment it always made me feel better, but then I was left cleaning up the mess. I realized last night that I hadn't thrown anything in a really long time, I hadn't thrown something to watch it break since I had really trusted and walked with God. Not that I feel I've gotten any better at the decisions I've made along the way but I have learned to channel my anger, and to ask God for help and relief. I could have asked last night but I decided not to, I wanted to wallow in my pity party.
So instead this morning I let it all out. In the car. My place to be vulnerable, to be mad, to be upset. And to cry like a little kid. And after I got out everything I wanted to say, I felt so much better.
In more recent moments over the course of the last 5 or so months of my life, the car has become my place of solace. To be honest the chaos that is this world its where I have the most intimate conversations with God. Crazy I know right? Most would think those conversations would happen before you go to bed, or in your bedroom tucked away from the rest of the world. But I do my talking in the car.
The lead singer of one of my most favorite bands (10th Ave North) describes his talks with God as thought you are talking to a friend. Gut wrenching, heart breaking and honest. So today my talk with God was honest, it was heart breaking and it was hard to say through the tears.
I've been waiting since my 2nd interview on Monday to hear back if I got the job. I decided against my better judgment to call yesterday afternoon because they had said they would have a decision Wednesday. I struggle with patience and I went ahead though in retrospect, I should have just waited. This particular agency outsources their Human Resources and in doing so I have had to work with them. They were not in the interviews on Monday so I assumed they had turned the reins over to the agency. So I called my potential employer and asked if they had made a decision. Turns out Wednesday was their deadline to get their notes to the HR company to make the decision.
I got off the phone feeling like such an idiot, I should have just listened to the voice in my head and not called. So impatient sometimes! Sitting in the middle of the library at Fresno State I broke into tears. I'm not sure if it was the combination of working on my comprehensive exams, and the job situation that sent me over the edge.
I found myself home last night and I was angry. For the first time since this whole situation has started I was mad. I was mad at God, at the situation and at the whole process. I was mad that so far after over 50 applications and 12 interviews no one has offered me a job. I was mad that I lost my job in the first place. I was mad that the state of California cannot seem to manage their money and they have to take it from hard working cities such as Reedley. And I was mad that there seems to be a lack of sensitivity from almost every agency I have applied, and a lackadaisical approach to hiring. Hello people! I am unemployed not just out searching for jobs for the fun of it.
When I was growing up and even in college dealing with my family and my mom in rehab I would get so upset and angry I would throw things just to watch them break. I would pick the closest thing to me and chuck it, in any direction, and watch it shatter. In the moment it always made me feel better, but then I was left cleaning up the mess. I realized last night that I hadn't thrown anything in a really long time, I hadn't thrown something to watch it break since I had really trusted and walked with God. Not that I feel I've gotten any better at the decisions I've made along the way but I have learned to channel my anger, and to ask God for help and relief. I could have asked last night but I decided not to, I wanted to wallow in my pity party.
So instead this morning I let it all out. In the car. My place to be vulnerable, to be mad, to be upset. And to cry like a little kid. And after I got out everything I wanted to say, I felt so much better.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Things I am thankful for
I've realized in the last few weeks after many job interviews and many rejections that I had been in a sort of I hate life mode. And everyone in it sort of slump. That nothing in my life was good enough. But that is not who I am or who I want to be. I realized that I haven't told God thank you in a while. That I haven't said thank you for everything good or bad.
So here is my list:
I'm thankful that my birth mom loved me enough to give me up.
I'm thankful that my parents, though they have their own issues, have loved me in their own ways unconditionally since the day they brought me home from the hospital.
I'm thankful for my Gma. She has been my rock. When I get the chance to go home (I'm headed up there tomorrow!) I'm reminded that on County Road 25 I can be 7 again.
I'm thankful for my amazing friends. The one's that have loved me unconditionally.
I'm thankful for my ability to get my bachelor's and my master's degree.
I'm thankful for God's grace, mercy and love. That no matter what I do He is always there with arm's wide open.
I'm thankful when I wake up in the morning.
I'm thankful that tomorrow is a new day.
I'm thankful for the amazing people that have walked into my life in the last few years.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. :)
So here is my list:
I'm thankful that my birth mom loved me enough to give me up.
I'm thankful that my parents, though they have their own issues, have loved me in their own ways unconditionally since the day they brought me home from the hospital.
I'm thankful for my Gma. She has been my rock. When I get the chance to go home (I'm headed up there tomorrow!) I'm reminded that on County Road 25 I can be 7 again.
I'm thankful for my amazing friends. The one's that have loved me unconditionally.
I'm thankful for my ability to get my bachelor's and my master's degree.
I'm thankful for God's grace, mercy and love. That no matter what I do He is always there with arm's wide open.
I'm thankful when I wake up in the morning.
I'm thankful that tomorrow is a new day.
I'm thankful for the amazing people that have walked into my life in the last few years.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. :)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Trying to contain my excitement
I said I wasn't going to do this. I wasn't going to start apartment searching, and looking at the surrounding cities and day dreaming of living there. But I'm ready. I'm ready to put everything in a u-haul and drive for over 1,300 miles to the town of Trophy Club, Texas.
I know its nuts right. Texas. I've never lived in another state. And here I am 25, single, unemployed and possibly jetting out on the most amazing adventure of my life. It feels like the next chapter is around the corner and I am ready. No what ifs, no I wonder if this happens, just ready and willing to go if the door is open.
Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow I find out if I made the top 2. If I make the top 2 I fly to Texas for my 2nd interview.
And if the call is not what I'm expecting then I will delete the bookmarks of apartments, stop staring at the town square and I will move on. But for today I will dream and dream big, at this point anything is possible.
I know its nuts right. Texas. I've never lived in another state. And here I am 25, single, unemployed and possibly jetting out on the most amazing adventure of my life. It feels like the next chapter is around the corner and I am ready. No what ifs, no I wonder if this happens, just ready and willing to go if the door is open.
Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow I find out if I made the top 2. If I make the top 2 I fly to Texas for my 2nd interview.
And if the call is not what I'm expecting then I will delete the bookmarks of apartments, stop staring at the town square and I will move on. But for today I will dream and dream big, at this point anything is possible.
Friday, October 1, 2010
This life
Today is October 1st. Today is also the start of month four of this journey down the life of the unemployed. And for the first time in a long time, doubt crept up in my thoughts as I went about my day. I even found myself crying in the car after leaving the Community Center today.
Over the course of the last three months I have ventured back to the Community Center to visit and chat with my former coworkers and I have enjoyed each visit. I enjoyed it today as I recorded a goodbye to a wonderful former coworker who is retiring after 38 years of service to the City.
But I guess the fact that I have applied to nearly 30 places, have yet to get a job, and have no concrete answer to what the future holds, the ugly beast that is doubt crept up on me today. I think the tears flowed because I hate how much I took for granted when I was working. I took for granted the amount of money that was direct deposited into my account every other week, the great relationships I had with my coworkers and bosses, and the work that I got to do each day. I never had a time line of when I would leave but in the back of my mind I always thought I would leave first, that another window of opportunity would open and I would leave to further my career. Not that I would be left standing with the door shutting behind me.
Funny what you realize when where you end up is no where near the plans you had filed under the folder labeled "future". I think that was a rude awakening for me today, even though its been months. The realization that this life is not planned by me or by what I do, and no matter how much I try I can't control today, let alone tomorrow.
Doubt is ugly because it leaves you questioning where you are today, the decisions you are making and what you are doing. I have to keep remembering that life goes through seasons, and just like summer and this 100 degree heat I would like to move onto the next season. Maybe with the changing of the weather will come a change in the path of my life, and a job that I would desperately love to have.
I look back over the course of my life and I see all these situations in which God took control and I was thrust on a path that led me to where I am today. If he hadn't pushed me onto a certain path I wouldn't have grown into who I am today. I continue to pray that this life and season and moment will be one I can look back on and say: If i hadn't lost my job in Reedley I wouldn't have ended up here. Wherever here is I hope I find myself there soon.
Over the course of the last three months I have ventured back to the Community Center to visit and chat with my former coworkers and I have enjoyed each visit. I enjoyed it today as I recorded a goodbye to a wonderful former coworker who is retiring after 38 years of service to the City.
But I guess the fact that I have applied to nearly 30 places, have yet to get a job, and have no concrete answer to what the future holds, the ugly beast that is doubt crept up on me today. I think the tears flowed because I hate how much I took for granted when I was working. I took for granted the amount of money that was direct deposited into my account every other week, the great relationships I had with my coworkers and bosses, and the work that I got to do each day. I never had a time line of when I would leave but in the back of my mind I always thought I would leave first, that another window of opportunity would open and I would leave to further my career. Not that I would be left standing with the door shutting behind me.
Funny what you realize when where you end up is no where near the plans you had filed under the folder labeled "future". I think that was a rude awakening for me today, even though its been months. The realization that this life is not planned by me or by what I do, and no matter how much I try I can't control today, let alone tomorrow.
Doubt is ugly because it leaves you questioning where you are today, the decisions you are making and what you are doing. I have to keep remembering that life goes through seasons, and just like summer and this 100 degree heat I would like to move onto the next season. Maybe with the changing of the weather will come a change in the path of my life, and a job that I would desperately love to have.
I look back over the course of my life and I see all these situations in which God took control and I was thrust on a path that led me to where I am today. If he hadn't pushed me onto a certain path I wouldn't have grown into who I am today. I continue to pray that this life and season and moment will be one I can look back on and say: If i hadn't lost my job in Reedley I wouldn't have ended up here. Wherever here is I hope I find myself there soon.
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