Praying in the car

So today I got up extra early to have my butt kicked by my trainer at the gym and I loved every moment. Then I got in the car started my drive back to Reedley. I found myself half way home, crying my eyes out, fighting back blinding tears. And here is the story behind them.

In more recent moments over the course of the last 5 or so months of my life, the car has become my place of solace. To be honest the chaos that is this world its where I have the most intimate conversations with God. Crazy I know right? Most would think those conversations would happen before you go to bed, or in your bedroom tucked away from the rest of the world. But I do my talking in the car.

The lead singer of one of my most favorite bands (10th Ave North) describes his talks with God as thought you are talking to a friend. Gut wrenching, heart breaking and honest. So today my talk with God was honest, it was heart breaking and it was hard to say through the tears.

I've been waiting since my 2nd interview on Monday to hear back if I got the job. I decided against my better judgment to call yesterday afternoon because they had said they would have a decision Wednesday. I struggle with patience and I went ahead though in retrospect, I should have just waited. This particular agency outsources their Human Resources and in doing so I have had to work with them. They were not in the interviews on Monday so I assumed they had turned the reins over to the agency. So I called my potential employer and asked if they had made a decision. Turns out Wednesday was their deadline to get their notes to the HR company to make the decision.

I got off the phone feeling like such an idiot, I should have just listened to the voice in my head and not called. So impatient sometimes! Sitting in the middle of the library at Fresno State I broke into tears. I'm not sure if it was the combination of working on my comprehensive exams, and the job situation that sent me over the edge.

I found myself home last night and I was angry. For the first time since this whole situation has started I was mad. I was mad at God, at the situation and at the whole process. I was mad that so far after over 50 applications and 12 interviews no one has offered me a job. I was mad that I lost my job in the first place. I was mad that the state of California cannot seem to manage their money and they have to take it from hard working cities such as Reedley. And I was mad that there seems to be a lack of sensitivity from almost every agency I have applied, and a lackadaisical approach to hiring. Hello people! I am unemployed not just out searching for jobs for the fun of it.

When I was growing up and even in college dealing with my family and my mom in rehab I would get so upset and angry I would throw things just to watch them break. I would pick the closest thing to me and chuck it, in any direction, and watch it shatter. In the moment it always made me feel better, but then I was left cleaning up the mess. I realized last night that I hadn't thrown anything in a really long time, I hadn't thrown something to watch it break since I had really trusted and walked with God. Not that I feel I've gotten any better at the decisions I've made along the way but I have learned to channel my anger, and to ask God for help and relief. I could have asked last night but I decided not to, I wanted to wallow in my pity party.

So instead this morning I let it all out. In the car. My place to be vulnerable, to be mad, to be upset. And to cry like a little kid. And after I got out everything I wanted to say, I felt so much better.