Broken places

I wanted to run. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I wanted to flee. I thought if I could grab my purse while still standing in the isle I could make a run for it, jump in my car and pretend like none of it had ever happened.

But instead I sat back down. I sat among my friends will all my broken pieces. The tears streaming down my face, I cried. I didn't want to breath for fear of that sobbing sound escaping and everyone looking at me. 

I sat in the familar row in one of my all time favorite places and all of the memories came flooding back. I was overwhelmed by the life I had loved and left. For the comfort of seeing my friends twice a week and always being in a place where I was known. 

For the first time since leaving in January the reality of what I'd given up came crashing down. 

As humans we crave the familiar, we crave people knowing us, we look sideways at people when they take our "seat" at church. We like to know what's around the corner. We like to know what's going to happen tomorrow while we are still trying to figure out today. 

So I sat last night surrounded by the strongest women I know as they prayed for me, with me, and for each other. As eyes were closed and hearts were connected I stopped crying. I could feel God's love so profoundly in that moment. I could feel his grace wash over me and I realized that He is enough. That sometimes we can get so caught up in daily life that we forget to stop and breath. To be thankful for where we are and where God has brought us from.

There is peace in surrendering. There is peace in letting go. I know I've been given an amazing opportunity and an amazing platform to share my faith, to change lives and to make a positive impact in those around me. And just like Jesus that means giving something up- giving up the life and the comfort that I cling to. 

But there's beauty in giving up. There's beauty in meeting Jesus in the darkness because together you find the light. 

Secrets

For almost a month I've harbored a secret. Anyone that knows me knows I'm awful at keeping secrets, but this wasn't mine to tell. 

A month ago my phone rang and on the other end was my usually calm friend Khizer talking a mile a minute- I couldn't tell if he was excited or nervous but I could tell he had something to tell me. 

And then he said it: I bought Becca a ring. 

I jumped up and down and yelled into the phone with excitement and he laughed. I was so excited for my two friends and I was also thrilled that he had called to tell me. He said he wanted all of our friends or as many as could come at the proposal. And so we started planning. 

The best laid plans always have a way of being derailed and the first idea didn't happen because the ring was delayed. We still enjoyed a fun night with friends despite that! But that didn't stop him and that night we made another plan for a Saturday in October.

For a month I've been carrying this secret. And then today my friend entrusted me with another secret. The ring. When I got to CF this morning to workout with my friends he stuffed her ring in my purse with instructions to give it to him at dinner.

Every moment I've opened my purse today I've seen the box and I can't help but smile. Today my friends' lives will change forever and I get to play a part in that. These are the moments we were made for - creating friendships and moments with the people closest to you. 

The proposal was perfect and full of love, I know at first she had no idea what was happening but as I handed him the ring box and he got down on one knee she just beamed from ear to ear. 

We were called to love each other with everything we've got and I was reminded of that sort of love tonight. Khizer has a love for Becca that is self-sacrificing and he is always willing to put her above himself. And when you see the way she looks at him you can tell how deeply she loves and cares for this man. The two of us are a sucker for a good love quote and often over the last month we would send each other quotes and I couldn't help but think that this was their life in writing. 

And then I was reminded that these are the moments we were made for. For the moments when we can pause life and be there for each other and celebrate true love.

Find the joy

I'm really good about following God into a situation. Trusting Him with my whole heart and diving in - ie: Moving to Texas, and taking a new job in the last year.

I think if I'm honest the hardest moments of my faith come after the shine and newness of the decision has worn off and all that's left is my honest reality. And sometimes I find myself looking back. Staring in the rearview mirror sad about what I've missed out on, or what I gave up in making this decision. But every time I'm taken back to the fact that He doesn't make mistakes. That every step and every path that I've followed him on wholeheartedly has always given me so much joy. But again if I'm honest it's more about the journey of finding the joy.

I realized that the other day when a young lady in my life called - she left for college this fall and called in tears overwhelmed in the moment by the situation. She missed her own space, her own home, she missed her family and the familiarity that comes with knowing your place. I think often we follow God into experiences not knowing our place and we are fearful of how vulnerable and human we are in that moment. Tears stung my face as I listened to her talk between soft cries of what she missed. My heart ached for her because in every part of my being I knew how she felt. I knew what it felt like to miss the familiar and you pick up the phone to call someone just to hear a voice of someone that's known you longer then a few months.

But in the course of the conversation I asked her to tell me one good thing about the weekend she had just had and one good thing about the week to come.

Finding the joy.

We have to live in the moment that God has created for us because to live in the past is to miss out on everything in your midst. To live in the past is to wonder and worry and over think. To live in the present is to truly live. To find the joy in your everyday, to look for the beauty in the mundane and know that God has created you for this exact moment.

So to those searching for the joy I would say this:

1. Hold onto your memories and your experiences but don't dwell on them. In the tough moments of missing home or a particular time or place I remind myself that I'm thankful for that experience. Not only for what it taught me but for the joy it brought to my life. Those moments that are mine and can never be taken away - they are precious and close to my heart. Hold onto them.

2. Seek God with everything you have. He hasn't brought to this place or to this moment to be miserable, so regardless of the circumstances or how much you would wish it could change seek Him. The more you dig into who He is the more you understand what you were made for.

3. Lastly keep a list of gratitude. Write down a few everyday that remind you of the good in the world - the warm cup of coffee you had this morning, or the laughter you shared with a friend. Write them down and be thankful for them.

This moment is your life. Embrace it. Don't wish it away - because one day you will wake up and everything will be different. Ironically enough you may wish for today, but it will only be a memory. Hold onto those memories for the nights you can't sleep. Hold onto those memories with everything you have - they are a window to your past and a keepsake for your future.

Things people say

I didn't get where I am today by listening to what people said about me.

 If I did that I would have quit a long time ago. I would have thrown in the towel, I would have changed careers. 

But I didn't. I trusted that God had the best for me. That regardless of what people have said or will say that I know the truth and I know the woman God is creating me to be. I trusted that God has given me everything I need to be successful in life and anything I don't have, He has. 

I know there are moments when I wear every emotion on my sleeve. And days where I feel like I hear everything people say and I start to believe it as well. 

And then I stop. I pause. I breath and I pray and I trust that the truth of my identity is wrapped up in God. 

Living out my faith

I spent the last minutes of my Sunday evening before the sunset walking the track at the high school down the street. I couldn't help but think back over the day and my heart was filled to the brim with so many feelings.

In the midst of a busy week I can get lost in the middle of the to do's and the have not's and forget my purpose. The reason why I exist and breathe and walk on this earth. And that reason is to live out my faith. To live it out even when it's hard. To live it out even when I don't want to.

Thankfully I don't have to live it out alone. Today I was reminded of that.

Three of my favorite people drove up to my corner of the world to share a meal, see my apartment, and see my new life. It's hard when for years we did life together more then once a week and our friendship came easy. Now it takes a little more work. It takes planning weeks in advance, it takes car rides, and it takes effort.

If I've learned anything over the course of the last few years it would be that distance and effort only makes that time sweeter. The belly ache from laughing too hard lasts longer. The banter between us is light and fun.

In the midst of all of the fun there was truth and sometimes the truth hurts. But I'm thankful that these friends never shy away from the truth. I've learned over the years that no one in this life survives on their own. We need each other more then we care to admit and in the midst of the darkest and hardest moments of our life we need some to tell us the truth with love. To remind us that whatever decision we have coming around the corner or whatever decision we might have already made that might haunt us- we are still here. Through the belly laughs and the hard conversations, we will always be there to try our best to live authentically. To challenge each other to serve, and love and live this life a little more like Jesus everyday.

Today I'm thankful for these three. A sweet reminder in this crazy life that sometimes God blesses you more then you could ever imagine with the sweetest friends. 

Choices

Tonight as we were getting ready to head to dinner one of my high schoolers asked why my Instagram said that my heart was in California. And I said because it is. And in true "I'm 18 and know more then you" fashion another asked if you could have the same exact job and opportunity in California would you go back? 

Choices. 

I've thought a lot over the years about that choice. And even today I stumbled on that question. If I were truly given that opportunity what would I do? Would I chose to go back to the past and try to create a life in the familar pieces of who I used to be? Or would I stay here. Here in the unknown, un-chartered (but amazing) land that is my life? 

And in the midst of tonight and all that we talked about at camp the speaker presented this thought: 

What's the story you want to tell? In 5 years or 10. 

That you played it safe or you dared to dream that God had a better plan for your life? 

I love that I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I dreamed of a better plan. That I trusted God enough to head for the unknown. My story is different and awesome and it has become such an intergal part of who I am. The story God has created for me is one of a kind.

Never forget to make a life

It's almost 5 a.m. In the morning and we are on the bus headed for camp in Florida. In the quiet moments of this 11 hour bus ride I'm reminded of all the good that is this life. 

This week I am not the Assistant City Manager. This week I am friend, a small group leader, a sister, a confidant and a lover of Jesus Christ. I'm thankful for these titles. They mean more to me then any I could be given in my career because they are the ones that last for eternity. These are the moments I cherish because at the end of the day loving God and loving others are the two most important things I can ever do. My biggest fear in life is to wake up one day and realize I chased the money before I chased the one who chased me first. 

I pray that this week is full of life change for these students- that before the busyness of another school year takes over they are loved and protected by their creator. I pray that they love each other as much as they love themselves. I pray that they come back so on fire with the Holy Spirit that they changes lives. But most of all I pray that we all feel the love of our savior and the reminder that this life isn't about us - it's about Him and all of the people He loves with all of His heart.