Turning 35

Turning 35. I see the number written on paper and I look around the room. Me? I’m turning 35? There must be some mistake because that number looks regal and elegant and established. And yet here I am. Turning 35. 

I think back to when I first started this blog- almost a month after my 25th birthday. How much life and love and loss has occurred in the last 10 years. I lost my first real job. I moved to Texas and back. Was given the chance to be a part of a beautiful church and small group who welcomed me with open arms. I learned that money and a fancy title don’t mean anything if you don’t get the chance to share it with those you love. I’ve stood by my best friends as they’ve gotten married.  I’ve had 3 jobs. I moved home and helped my mom get well and was able to be present with my grandma for the last few years of her life. I’ve fallen in love and gotten married.  

I keep coming back to the moments. That my wish for 35 is to hold on and live life in the moments God has given me. Not to waste time dreaming about tomorrow or stay stuck in yesterday but just to be. To be present, to be attentitive, to be the best version of myself and the woman God has created me to be right now.

Today was perfect. In the midst of a world wide pandemic there was beauty found today. Homemade breakfast and birthday decorations from my husband. Driving a back country road listening to country music. Eating lunch at my favorite place and surprising my best friend. The day ended with presents, cake and dinner with my mom and husband. Days like today are the ones that you want to hold onto- the ones you fight like hell to preserve and treasure. Because these are the quiet, unassuming birthdays that one day will be the only ones you remember. The ones spent with the people you who love the mess out of you, eating homemade cake and celebrating. Birthdays are interesting - a moment in time to celebrate the year that has passed and a look forward to the year ahead. 

Full of beauty and promise and wonder. Trusting all that God has in store for year 35. 

Turning 32

I remember the last time I packed my stuff up. Leaving my apartment in June of 2015 to move in with a dear friend before I made my trek back to California to help take care of my mom. I remember packing my kitchen and sorting through all of my cookbooks as I stacked them neatly in their new home for the foreseeable future. I grabbed the worn Better Homes & Garden cookbook and smiled. I had asked my mom some years ago if I could have the cookbook she once used to make meals for my Dad and I. I'm not sure if the remembrance of us being a family or my desire for one had contributed to asking her for that. Or if one day I wanted a piece of her, a memory of another time. As I stood there I thought about my future and I prayed that maybe one day God would allow me the opportunity to use that cookbook with my own family and one day maybe my husband and I would pour over the recipes.

This last Saturday I turned 32. My amazing boyfriend Brad spoiled me with a series of thoughtful presents and even a homemade card. I got to the last of my presents and he said these ones are just extras, nothing big and exciting. As I tore the paper off and stared at the book he simply said "Every home and every family needs a cookbook." I could feel the tears welling up. I looked up at him as they continued to pour down my face and he simply asked do you hate it? With the puzzled and panic look on his face.

What was sitting in my lap was the 16th edition of the cookbook I had prayed over just a few short years ago. As I packed up my stuff and hoped and prayed that God would do only what He could do with my dreams and prayers, He was In His own time, in His own way. Everytime my eye catches the cookbook I am reminded of His grace and love and mercy. That even when we least expect it he provides us with reminders that His fairytales are worth waiting for.

Coming Home

4.5 months ago when I left Texas part of me hoped for a different ending to the story. One with a pretty bow and a new job, not the uncertainty and questions I left with. Instead at 30 I quit my job and packed up my stuff and headed back to where it all started. I moved in with my mom, Grandma and Uncle to hopefully help bring my mom back to health. 

It's funny how much God knows what we need. I needed the chance to slow down and be there for my family. To invest in these moments and to do the boring, everyday things with them. To help my mom recover from gallbladder surgery and a rare bone disorder. 

Don't get me wrong as much I enjoyed being here part of me longed for the story I had hoped for. Where I moved home, found a job on the first try, moved into a cute apartment and continued on with life. Is that story too much to ask for? I prayed for it and I begged God for it. The more desperate I became I begged for anything to pay the bills. 

But as I hit over 50 applications and 27 interviews I heard the Lord whisper in my heart - Be still. Not in being still of life and slowing down but being still in the panic. Being still in the worry. Being still in the hurt that would take over my heart and make me doubt the plans He had for me. So i was still. 

And then a few weeks ago I got the call. I had a job- back in parks and recreation, an hour from home. He answered my prayers and then some. All the hopes and dreams I had stored deep in my heart were answered. 

So tomorrow with a heart full of joy and thanks I return to work. ❤️ 

The goodness of the Lord

Have you ever left somewhere you love with all your heart, got in the car and just ugly cried? The kind of cry you can only see, you can't hear it and there's so much snot you only have time to use your hand? No? Just me? Sometimes you just have to cry, to let the memories flow, to be thankful in the moment for everything that led up to this particular time and place.

If we rewind almost 5 years we end back up in Reedley Ca, on the eve of my big move to Texas. My sweet friend and youth pastor Lonney Moore called and asked if I could meet him for coffee. He wanted to help me look for a church before I set out on this God filled adventure. The Willow Creek Association website has a find a church button and since the church I was currently attending was a member Lonney thought it was the perfect place to start. So we searched for churches in Sugar Land, Texas and the first one on the list was The Bridge Fellowship. So we clicked on the website and read through their beliefs and we both agreed that I should try this church. I remember we clicked through a few more but there was never a second choice, or a backup plan there was just one choice. The Bridge.

So my first Sunday in Texas, January 23, I set foot into this church with my best friend. I'll never forgot the service, Kenny Dean preaching, his sweet daughter being baptized and small group sign ups. Amy nudged me and said look at all these fun groups, you should sign up for one! So I did. I picked a lady named Tianna who loved dessert. I filled out my name on the information card, checked her group and dropped my card in the offering plate. 

I didn't know in that moment how much that Sunday would change my life. Lately as I prepare to head back home to California I can't help but reflect back on the last 5 years of life and the impact this church has had on me. 

I've been stuck lately on this verse- “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”

Psalm 27:13 NIV

Today I sat in church, most likely one of the last times at The Bridge and I thought about this verse. About how over the last 5 years I have seen the goodness of the Lord. How a group of strangers not only opened their church to me, but their homes and the hearts and their families. They welcomed me with love and grace and acceptance. They challenged me to walk with the Lord no matter what, to seek His face always. 

I've been blessed with an amazing small group, the opportunity to lead a group of amazing young women through high school and the chance to launch a second campus. I've been to summer camp and watched high schoolers lives be transformed. I've been to England to share the gospel of love and hope. I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Today I got the chance to see a friend that I had invited to church a few years back and as we talked about the past and the future there was a moment when the tears appeared and we both realized the impact that had been made. She is now happily married and serving at The Bridge. I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

One of the beautiful young women I had the chance to walk through high school with found me this morning and we talked about doing lunch after. She found me after service and realized she had serious homework to do today and couldn't do lunch. I was so proud of her in that moment for choosing to put the sometimes mundane but necessary ahead of an afternoon of fun. I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

As hard as it is to leave next month I am so excited for the future. I know God is directing my path and I will lean into Him everyday. I remain confident of this-I am leaving Texas a different woman. One who loves with abandon, who's door is always open and one who always looks for the good. I am so very thankful for this place and it's people. I pray that the future of The Bridge is filled with open doors, and bold declarations. My prayer is that The Bridge is a place that people are always welcome, a place that they fall head over heels in love with Jesus and they can't help but share His life and His love. 

If The Bridge Fellowship and Texas have taught me anything it would be this- Love God, love people and trust the rest will fall into place. ❤️

Where I came from....

I remember the moment like it was yesterday- standing at the security gate at Hobby Airport. My best friend heading in back to California- me out the car to start my life in Texas. I hugged her neck and cried - for the journey, for the memories, for the unknown. At 25 I was starting over in a new place. 

Fast forward 4.5 years - that's how long I've lived in Texas. When I wasn't sure I would make it a week or a month or even  a year I made it 4.5. Or a little over. But who's counting anyways? I've built a life, built my career, trusted Jesus with everything I had and made friends that I know will last a lifetime. You might ask what happened to that California size dream I had? I tucked it away. I held the memories and the smells close but I tucked it away for another day, and prayed that one day God would give me the deepest desire of my heart. 

This past January my mom had open heart surgery and since I was home for Christmas I was able to extend my stay and see her through her surgery. Leaving her in ICU was hands down one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. 

After I returned I could slowly feel something changing inside. I kept thinking about our treasures in heaven vs. our earthly ones and how we tend to invest so much time and effort into the earthly treasures. But they fade. They disappear. A career, money, a title. All of those things disappear. And yet I realized I was chasing earthly treasures. At 28 I had been given my dream job but sometimes your dreams aren't all you thought they were going to be. I know sometimes we are called to a place for a season- not forever but just for a moment. And that's what my time in Willis is, a season. It's been a season of growth and frustration, and accomplishment and doubt. Even though I don't know the reason for this season I'm thankful for it. For the friendships and people along the way and the opportunities I've been given. 

So if I'm going to focus on heavenly treasures what does that look like? It looks like being there for the little moments of life - dinner with friends, birthday parties, playing Chinese checkers with my Grandma, going camping, celebrating a new baby. That in my mind is what Jesus meant by storing your treasure in heaven.  Investing in the Kingdom of God so that people in your life will see the one you call King. That you will be there for them no matter the season. 

What do you do when your faced with this life changing, life altering decision? You pray. And you listen and you seek wise council. And then you take one step out in faith- be brave and go for it. I've learned that the hardest part in life is that first step. But there is beauty and hope found in trusting Jesus. I know that He will make a way- and He will write the next story of my life so beautifully I will know it was penned by the hand of God. So right now with 20 applications out I'm headed home next month and I couldn't be more excited (and nervous!) 

I've fallen in love with Texas and its people but my soul belongs in California. I miss the mountains and the water and the cooler weather. So before I spend too much of my life chasing titles and my career I'm going home. To do the mundane everyday life things I've been missing out on. 

Like I always say it's easier to know where you are going when you can remember where you came from. 

My 30th birthday

Every year since I've turned 26 I've spent the last few hours of my birthday sharing my thoughts about the year that has passed and the hope for the future. I read through these posts tonight and felt every moment and memory over the last four years and how much I've grown up. 

The common theme in reading these posts? Love. Quite simply love from my family and friends and people who genuinely care about me. I'm reminded that the bible teaches us that are greatest commandment is to love God and others. 

I've been blessed today and everyday to feel loved. I've received text messages, emails, facebook posts, calls, delivery's and sweet songs about my birthday. Being able to celebrate with friends and family is one of life's greatest blessings. 

I think the best part of today is this story  I'm about to share. It takes place in the fall of 1984 and spring of 1985. A young man who had just turned 30 was about to become a father. That man is my Dad. And today he shared with me the first hand account of that special day 30 years ago in May of 1985: 

It was August in the year 1984. My wife at the time, Danielle and I are on our way to Lake Tahoe to visit my cousin Linda Lear. We took the boat so we’regoing fishing; we're having a great weekend. The conversation came up about Danielle and I having children. We told her that we had been trying but for one reason or another we were not going to be able to. She mentioned that adoption was a possibility and she knew somebody that helps ladies in the area hook up with potential adoptive parents for their children. We thought that we would try that out and she said she would call her friend next week. I think it was a few weeks or a month later we got a phone call from her, she had a client that needed to have her baby adopted. She didn't realize she was pregnant because she didn't believe she could get pregnant, she was already about three months along when the doctor told her. 

We drove up to South Lake Tahoe area to meet this lady and the birthmother named Daryl. She wanted to interview us with another couple then select which one would be best for her child. I guess the interview went well, a few days later we got the call that we were going to be parents, now the rest of the story. 

We got excited, started fixing up the room for our new baby, as per the ultrasound it was going to be a boy. My wife went to Tahoe for Lamaze classes with Daryl and together we took Lamaze classes in San Jose,kind of unusual being the only couple in Lamaze classwithout a pregnant woman. 

As time went by more ultrasounds and now the doctor wasn't sure if it was going to be a boy or a girl, but I was pretty sure it was going to be a girl. It was April 1985 the room is ready, wallpapered, the crib is assembled everything is in the right place. I refinished a dresser and drawers and painted them white, theroom is perfect for our new baby that's coming soon. 

It was a Monday morning I had to go to work, there was a new project in Almaden for IBM ResearchCenter; I was in charge of B wing. About 10 am the office called on the radio that I needed to come to the office, there was a phone call for me. It was Danielle she had gotten the call that Daryl’s water broke and she was in labor. I had to get home, pack and drive to Southlake Tahoe hopefully before the baby arrived. As we took the four and a half hour drive, Danielle became more and more nervous to the point where her stomach was upset. As we got to the hospital and went into the room, Daryl was on a special chair bed ready, waiting, agonizing; we made it just in time. All along Danielle was going to be her coach during labor but she couldn't stay out of the bathroom, so I had to come up to the plate, hold Daryl's hand and talk her through. I told her it was going to be alright, calm down and watch the monitor, give her a heads up that another contraction was coming. It took a few hoursstanding there nervous as hell; Danielle was in and out, very nervous, more nervous than me. As we got closer the nurses came in and monitored dilation, it's time to change this bed into a chair. I'm holding Daryl's hand and she's pushing and this little head starts to come out, it's my baby girl Margaret.  It was the best time of my life. Darrell was exhausted, the nurses took the baby into the nursery and cleaned her up and then brought her back to us. We took the baby to our hotel, both freaking out, we have an itty-bitty teeny-weeny little baby girl and neither one of usreally know what the hell we’re doing or how much this was going to change our lives . After all, this was the 1980’s cocaine was rampant, my life was going to change forever, we were partiers, now what the hell are we going to do?? This little angel performed her first miracle the day she was born, she saved my life and her mothers, I’m sure, I'm positive of this.

Thirty years ago my angel was born, Happy Birthday Margaret, I love you more than words can say.

It all boils down to love. For each other, for God, for your neighbor. Love each other with everything you've got. ❤️

Life is full of surprises

It was 2005. My sophomore year of college at Fresno State was about to be over and my 20th birthday was approaching. My birthday always fell the week before "dead days" which were two days set up with no classes that you could use to study and get ready for finals. This just meant more time to party and not having to set an alarm for class the next day. All we had to do was wake up and do it again. 

Do you remember those American Express commercials that told you how much your vacation cost but then seeing the look on your child's face is PRICELESS? That's how awesome my friends were- they had a shirt created for me that said this: Never remembering your 20th birthday ....PRICELESS. And in true overachiever fashion I didn't. Sometimes I think wanting to be the best and always wanting to outdo everyone made me the most dangerous drinker. I could draw a crowd and start keg stands and take shots faster then anyone. 

Sadly that's how I started the most empowering, emotional, dangerous and rewarding decade of my life. I truly believe that your 20's help mold the person you will be become. Your 20's are when you make mistakes, lots of them. You travel, you move, you fall in love, you fall out of love, you start jobs and you end some. Your 20's have a way of changing who you are and dictating who you will become. But thankfully that story is only the beginning. 

There's is something about the decade that is your 20's that will test you - and you will prove to yourself and everyone who you really are. Your 20's are beautiful and wonderful, your first real shot at adulthood. 

So here are some things I learned along the way:

1. Love with everything you have- sometimes we spend so much time dreaming about the future or looking in the past that we forget today. We forget the moments that last forever. So make the gesture, call someone, do something out of the ordinary. Drive three hours on a weekday to take your best friend's little girl trick or treating. Just because you want to. I guarantee those memories will last a lifetime.

2. Travel- I've been blessed to travel a lot in my 20's. The adventure of backpacking in Europe with my girlfriends in college, England on a mission trip, Mexico, Washington, Texas, Louisiana, Hawaii, Colorado. It's worth it so get in your car, or buy a plane ticket and go visit someone you haven't seen in a while. 

3. Love God and serve- He created this beautiful world and finding Him has been the greatest joy of my life. I trusted Him enough to let him change my life and He did. Beyond my wildest dreams. And I plan on spending the rest of my life serving Him, sharing the gospel, loving on those he puts in my path. But most of all I will honor Him by blooming wherever he plants me. 

4. Work hard- In anything. At work, at home, in life. Work hard and you will go far in life, but always remember to give back. To know your place and know when to take a seat at the table. Earn your way towards your future and I promise you won't regret it. 

5. Move away - If you would have told me on my 20th birthday that I would spend the last half of my 20's living in another state I would have laughed. But sometimes the unexpected hits, you lose your job and you make sacrifices for what you want. So I moved. And I started over. And what an adventure it has been. It's made me so very thankful about the people that know me. There's something to be said for people that have known you over half your life. They are just simply yours. But the adventure of moving has opened up doors and new friendships and no matter what the future brings I can't imagine my life without this place. I am truly a Texan. 

One day you turn 20 and then without ever realizing it your only a few days from 30. You've watched best friends fall in love, get married and have children. You've celebrated lives that have been taken too soon. You've fallen in love and out. You've learned- about life and love. You've loved with all you've got and you treasure the memories made along the way.  

The thing about my 20's? I wouldn't trade any of it. Every moment, every adventure, every tear made me into the woman I've become and for that I am thankful.

The familiar

 I still have the first email she ever sent me. It's a nostalgic way of looking back on life and remembering what life was like before I walked through the doors of that small group. Ironically enough 4 years ago I showed up at a stranger's house ready for a new adventure- a newly adjusted California transplant I was praying for Godly women and hopefully some amazing friends. And I got just that. A place to come on Wednesday nights and pour my heart and soul into scripture and books and life with these ladies.

Over the course of the last year in moving away my heart has hoped and prayed for something like that. And tonight I found myself in the familar. Invited to a Lent Bible study by a sweet friend I walked into a new place, filled with new faces and names and I felt hope. I felt hope that maybe over the course of the last year God hadn't forgotten about what makes my heart tick, what makes me come alive. And that would be the chance to do life with a group of women, to walk in on Wednesday night and pour our hearts and souls into the word of God. 

I'm thankful beyond words for the invitation, for the thoughtfulness of my friend to ask if I'd like to come. I'm thankful for the reminder that God is always faithful and always on time. And He never forgets. 

Starting year 5

A lot of things can happen in 4 years. It's amazing to think the same time I spent roaming the halls of Calaveras High are equal to my time in Texas. 

Yesterday marked my 4 year anniversary. 1,460 days creating a life, learning, thanking God for all of this. 

I think what stands out to me me the most is where I was 4 years ago. I was unemployed. In my last year of graduate school. Living in the back of someone's house. 

And it's not to say that the I just found a job and started over but to truly know how much God has carried me through it all. How much he has done and continues to do every day that I walk this earth stops me short. 

Not only was I given a job but I was given an amazing opportunity doing what I love in a stable city, full of opportunity and growth. I was given the chance to spread my wings, challenge the status quo and rise above what was left. 

And than you add in the last year and there's no way you can know my story and not wonder about the God I believe in. My dream job since my early college years has always been simple: to be a city manager one day. And at the age of 28 I was blessed with the amazing opportunity to work for a man that knows the ins and outs of city management and has been the absolute best mentor I could have dreamed of. He has pushed me, lifted me up and from day one has been in my corner. I hope day to be the type of leader he is. He sees the big picture but pays attention to detail, fights for what he believes in and always has your back.

But four years ago I had no job and my last unemployment check to my name, a car loaded down with my life and a dream. 

To follow God wherever he calls. 

Year four was blessed with grace and faith and an unwavering support from those closest to me. 

If you don't think that God can change your life in a few short years think again. I am nothing but living proof.

The first of 2015

They are coming for me. 

I read the text message and then I read it again. My mind started to race and I could feel the tears streaming down my face. They had just told her merely an hour before that she was having surgery today and now they were coming to get her? I couldn't wrap my mind around what was happening. I was upset at the hospital that they hadn't given us more time.

I knew my mom wanted someone there before she went in and I knew being an hour from the hospital that wasn't going to happen. I could hear the what if's swirling in my head. I sat in the bathroom for a few minutes and prayed. For wisdom and peace but most of all- patience. 

5 hours later she emerged from surgery with a new heart valve and is currently recovering in ICU. 

Even though she was asleep I was able to see her in ICU and leave her a note. Thankfully her surgeon was there and I was able to talk to him. We talked about her surgery, her heart and her recovery.

And then he says I thought we were going to have to send her home, I didn't have any openings for 2 or 3 more weeks. I looked at him confused. She had been in the hospital for almost a week waiting to have this surgery and you were going to send her home? And then he says but then there was an opening all of a sudden and I took it. He had done what only he could do and he scheduled her for surgery. 

I let the reality of what transpired today sink in. I realized how much of our lives are out of our control but how much God is in control. I was upset this morning because they were messing with the schedule that I had in mind but instead God's schedule happened. What He already knew was going to happen happened. 

The first five days of the new year have been difficult and hard. They've been filled with taking care of my Grandma and worrying about my mom and what the future looks like for her. I'm thankful that I was still in California when this all happened and was able to be here.

I'm most thankful though for my sweet friends and family. They have prayed and called and been there whenever I needed them. And today one of my sweet friends even drive 2.5 hours to sit with me while my mom was in surgery. I am blessed by some of the most amazing God loving people in both of the places I call home. 

So to those of you that have called and prayed and texted - thank you! Prayers are appreciated for my mom's recovery.

Here's to a bright and healthy 2015. 

Remember you only get one shot at this thing called life, make it count. 

2014 in review

It takes milestones for me to realize how much time has passed. Today is our annual Christmas lunch at work and the first time I met most of my soon to be coworkers and employees was last year at this time. I remember walking in nervous but excited for this new adventure. Knowing that there was anticipation and expectation. I was eager to get involved and start this new chapter of life. 

A few weeks later 2014 started and it was a new year. A new job. A new city. New everything. 

While this year has challenging it's also been inspiring. I know over the last year I've grown both personally but also professionally. I've learned that some things will never change and you can only do what you can with what you've been given. 

I think the most valuable lesson I've learned this year is that my worth does not rest in someone else's opinion, only in God's. That's the only one that matters and that's the only one I should trust. The opinions of others will come and go but the truth of who I am rests in Him. 

I've been inspired by this tiny town I've come to love and the sweet people who call it home. I've been blessed to create some sweet friendships with folks and I know that if needed they would give me the shirt off their back. 

I've learned that you don't always have to have the answer or the last word. That sometimes just being still is the best choice you can make. To be still and listen and trust in the one who made you. 

2014 was a year of firsts and of lasts. Of tears and smiles. Of happiness and triumph. Of friendships and laughter. I wouldn't of traded it for anything and I'm looking forward to everything 2015 has to offer. 

No matter what

Sometimes the only thing that makes anything better is a deep breath and a prayer. 

Trusting that God has you no matter what happens. No what matter what is said, no matter what is done, my future is secure in who He is. He is my King, my fortress and the best piece of who I am. 

Regardless of what happens in the future I will trust in Him. Even when I can't breathe, or see the next step in front of me I will have hope for tomorrow. That it will be a little brighter then today and full of love, hope and a whole lot of Jesus. 

Broken places

I wanted to run. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I wanted to flee. I thought if I could grab my purse while still standing in the isle I could make a run for it, jump in my car and pretend like none of it had ever happened.

But instead I sat back down. I sat among my friends will all my broken pieces. The tears streaming down my face, I cried. I didn't want to breath for fear of that sobbing sound escaping and everyone looking at me. 

I sat in the familar row in one of my all time favorite places and all of the memories came flooding back. I was overwhelmed by the life I had loved and left. For the comfort of seeing my friends twice a week and always being in a place where I was known. 

For the first time since leaving in January the reality of what I'd given up came crashing down. 

As humans we crave the familiar, we crave people knowing us, we look sideways at people when they take our "seat" at church. We like to know what's around the corner. We like to know what's going to happen tomorrow while we are still trying to figure out today. 

So I sat last night surrounded by the strongest women I know as they prayed for me, with me, and for each other. As eyes were closed and hearts were connected I stopped crying. I could feel God's love so profoundly in that moment. I could feel his grace wash over me and I realized that He is enough. That sometimes we can get so caught up in daily life that we forget to stop and breath. To be thankful for where we are and where God has brought us from.

There is peace in surrendering. There is peace in letting go. I know I've been given an amazing opportunity and an amazing platform to share my faith, to change lives and to make a positive impact in those around me. And just like Jesus that means giving something up- giving up the life and the comfort that I cling to. 

But there's beauty in giving up. There's beauty in meeting Jesus in the darkness because together you find the light. 

Secrets

For almost a month I've harbored a secret. Anyone that knows me knows I'm awful at keeping secrets, but this wasn't mine to tell. 

A month ago my phone rang and on the other end was my usually calm friend Khizer talking a mile a minute- I couldn't tell if he was excited or nervous but I could tell he had something to tell me. 

And then he said it: I bought Becca a ring. 

I jumped up and down and yelled into the phone with excitement and he laughed. I was so excited for my two friends and I was also thrilled that he had called to tell me. He said he wanted all of our friends or as many as could come at the proposal. And so we started planning. 

The best laid plans always have a way of being derailed and the first idea didn't happen because the ring was delayed. We still enjoyed a fun night with friends despite that! But that didn't stop him and that night we made another plan for a Saturday in October.

For a month I've been carrying this secret. And then today my friend entrusted me with another secret. The ring. When I got to CF this morning to workout with my friends he stuffed her ring in my purse with instructions to give it to him at dinner.

Every moment I've opened my purse today I've seen the box and I can't help but smile. Today my friends' lives will change forever and I get to play a part in that. These are the moments we were made for - creating friendships and moments with the people closest to you. 

The proposal was perfect and full of love, I know at first she had no idea what was happening but as I handed him the ring box and he got down on one knee she just beamed from ear to ear. 

We were called to love each other with everything we've got and I was reminded of that sort of love tonight. Khizer has a love for Becca that is self-sacrificing and he is always willing to put her above himself. And when you see the way she looks at him you can tell how deeply she loves and cares for this man. The two of us are a sucker for a good love quote and often over the last month we would send each other quotes and I couldn't help but think that this was their life in writing. 

And then I was reminded that these are the moments we were made for. For the moments when we can pause life and be there for each other and celebrate true love.

Find the joy

I'm really good about following God into a situation. Trusting Him with my whole heart and diving in - ie: Moving to Texas, and taking a new job in the last year.

I think if I'm honest the hardest moments of my faith come after the shine and newness of the decision has worn off and all that's left is my honest reality. And sometimes I find myself looking back. Staring in the rearview mirror sad about what I've missed out on, or what I gave up in making this decision. But every time I'm taken back to the fact that He doesn't make mistakes. That every step and every path that I've followed him on wholeheartedly has always given me so much joy. But again if I'm honest it's more about the journey of finding the joy.

I realized that the other day when a young lady in my life called - she left for college this fall and called in tears overwhelmed in the moment by the situation. She missed her own space, her own home, she missed her family and the familiarity that comes with knowing your place. I think often we follow God into experiences not knowing our place and we are fearful of how vulnerable and human we are in that moment. Tears stung my face as I listened to her talk between soft cries of what she missed. My heart ached for her because in every part of my being I knew how she felt. I knew what it felt like to miss the familiar and you pick up the phone to call someone just to hear a voice of someone that's known you longer then a few months.

But in the course of the conversation I asked her to tell me one good thing about the weekend she had just had and one good thing about the week to come.

Finding the joy.

We have to live in the moment that God has created for us because to live in the past is to miss out on everything in your midst. To live in the past is to wonder and worry and over think. To live in the present is to truly live. To find the joy in your everyday, to look for the beauty in the mundane and know that God has created you for this exact moment.

So to those searching for the joy I would say this:

1. Hold onto your memories and your experiences but don't dwell on them. In the tough moments of missing home or a particular time or place I remind myself that I'm thankful for that experience. Not only for what it taught me but for the joy it brought to my life. Those moments that are mine and can never be taken away - they are precious and close to my heart. Hold onto them.

2. Seek God with everything you have. He hasn't brought to this place or to this moment to be miserable, so regardless of the circumstances or how much you would wish it could change seek Him. The more you dig into who He is the more you understand what you were made for.

3. Lastly keep a list of gratitude. Write down a few everyday that remind you of the good in the world - the warm cup of coffee you had this morning, or the laughter you shared with a friend. Write them down and be thankful for them.

This moment is your life. Embrace it. Don't wish it away - because one day you will wake up and everything will be different. Ironically enough you may wish for today, but it will only be a memory. Hold onto those memories for the nights you can't sleep. Hold onto those memories with everything you have - they are a window to your past and a keepsake for your future.

Things people say

I didn't get where I am today by listening to what people said about me.

 If I did that I would have quit a long time ago. I would have thrown in the towel, I would have changed careers. 

But I didn't. I trusted that God had the best for me. That regardless of what people have said or will say that I know the truth and I know the woman God is creating me to be. I trusted that God has given me everything I need to be successful in life and anything I don't have, He has. 

I know there are moments when I wear every emotion on my sleeve. And days where I feel like I hear everything people say and I start to believe it as well. 

And then I stop. I pause. I breath and I pray and I trust that the truth of my identity is wrapped up in God. 

Living out my faith

I spent the last minutes of my Sunday evening before the sunset walking the track at the high school down the street. I couldn't help but think back over the day and my heart was filled to the brim with so many feelings.

In the midst of a busy week I can get lost in the middle of the to do's and the have not's and forget my purpose. The reason why I exist and breathe and walk on this earth. And that reason is to live out my faith. To live it out even when it's hard. To live it out even when I don't want to.

Thankfully I don't have to live it out alone. Today I was reminded of that.

Three of my favorite people drove up to my corner of the world to share a meal, see my apartment, and see my new life. It's hard when for years we did life together more then once a week and our friendship came easy. Now it takes a little more work. It takes planning weeks in advance, it takes car rides, and it takes effort.

If I've learned anything over the course of the last few years it would be that distance and effort only makes that time sweeter. The belly ache from laughing too hard lasts longer. The banter between us is light and fun.

In the midst of all of the fun there was truth and sometimes the truth hurts. But I'm thankful that these friends never shy away from the truth. I've learned over the years that no one in this life survives on their own. We need each other more then we care to admit and in the midst of the darkest and hardest moments of our life we need some to tell us the truth with love. To remind us that whatever decision we have coming around the corner or whatever decision we might have already made that might haunt us- we are still here. Through the belly laughs and the hard conversations, we will always be there to try our best to live authentically. To challenge each other to serve, and love and live this life a little more like Jesus everyday.

Today I'm thankful for these three. A sweet reminder in this crazy life that sometimes God blesses you more then you could ever imagine with the sweetest friends. 

Choices

Tonight as we were getting ready to head to dinner one of my high schoolers asked why my Instagram said that my heart was in California. And I said because it is. And in true "I'm 18 and know more then you" fashion another asked if you could have the same exact job and opportunity in California would you go back? 

Choices. 

I've thought a lot over the years about that choice. And even today I stumbled on that question. If I were truly given that opportunity what would I do? Would I chose to go back to the past and try to create a life in the familar pieces of who I used to be? Or would I stay here. Here in the unknown, un-chartered (but amazing) land that is my life? 

And in the midst of tonight and all that we talked about at camp the speaker presented this thought: 

What's the story you want to tell? In 5 years or 10. 

That you played it safe or you dared to dream that God had a better plan for your life? 

I love that I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I dreamed of a better plan. That I trusted God enough to head for the unknown. My story is different and awesome and it has become such an intergal part of who I am. The story God has created for me is one of a kind.

Never forget to make a life

It's almost 5 a.m. In the morning and we are on the bus headed for camp in Florida. In the quiet moments of this 11 hour bus ride I'm reminded of all the good that is this life. 

This week I am not the Assistant City Manager. This week I am friend, a small group leader, a sister, a confidant and a lover of Jesus Christ. I'm thankful for these titles. They mean more to me then any I could be given in my career because they are the ones that last for eternity. These are the moments I cherish because at the end of the day loving God and loving others are the two most important things I can ever do. My biggest fear in life is to wake up one day and realize I chased the money before I chased the one who chased me first. 

I pray that this week is full of life change for these students- that before the busyness of another school year takes over they are loved and protected by their creator. I pray that they love each other as much as they love themselves. I pray that they come back so on fire with the Holy Spirit that they changes lives. But most of all I pray that we all feel the love of our savior and the reminder that this life isn't about us - it's about Him and all of the people He loves with all of His heart. 

Don't give up on your dreams.

This last weekend I was given an amazing opportunity to share my story with 90 high school and college kids at the CPRS Disrict 7 Summer Leaders Workshop. Here's my speech! 

I'll never forget the first time I heard about a rec major. I had gone rafting with some friends from college during the summer of 2004 and someone asked if I was a rec major? I said no and had honestly no idea what that was. I had just come off the worst semester of my life- from straight A's in high school to a 1.8 my freshman year of college. I absolutely hated college at that point.

I went home and dug through the fall 2004 catalog. Yes back then you could put your hands on a book that held all the classes for the next semester. And there it was. A list of classes like intro to recreation, special event planning, recreation and leisure. I was hooked.

The hardest part was convincing those closest to me. People were shocked. I wanted to major in what? I had gone away to school to study how to provide recreation and leisure programs to a community? By this time I had heard it all- you'll never make enough money, people don't have jobs in this, you are crazy. They said it all. Sadly no one ever said this.

Don't give up on your dreams.

So I'll say it today. Just in case you haven't heard it in a while. Don't give up on your dreams. Even when they seem daunting. Even when they seem like they might swallow you whole. Even when you can't see the other side. Don't. Give. Up. I promise more the anything they will be worth it. They might not look like what you thought in the beginning, they might take a completely different path then you expected but I promise they will be worth it.

As I was preparing for this speech today I thought if I could go back and share with my younger self some wisdom what would it be?

The first...

Hard work or work hard – both are necessary to get where you were need to be. You have to put in the time and effort at any task just for the sake of doing what was asked of you. That means doing the tasks you don’t want to do or for that matter anyone else wants to do either. At one point for me in college that meant being a skate park attendant for Clovis Area Recreation. Was it fun sitting out for hours upon hours in the hot valley watching kids skateboard all day? No it wasn’t. But it was what was asked of me and I honestly feel like it provided valuable insight and a great story for later when my staff would tell me that I had no idea what it felt like to be in their shoes.

Good people- you are only as good as the people you surround yourself with. So choose wisely. Find a mentor. Someone to bounce ideas off of, who is older and wiser then you and learn as much as you can. Ask questions of people you encounter and work hard to learn the tasks they are good at – they will take you far in life.

Don't think you know it all- you probably think that now. I know I did. But trust me- with age brings wisdom. So when someone older then you gives you wisdom, listen. Learn everyday – everyone you in encounter in life has something to teach you. Even if it’s not the lesson you had wanted or hoped or expected.

Learn something new about someone- we get so consumed by our everyday lives and duties that we forget we are dealing with people. Find common ground with them, discuss new ideas, and ask about their family. Learn the name of the janitor in your building. You never know when you might need something how those relationships and bridges you’ve created will make a huge difference. A great story for this is actually how it all worked in getting my current job. I had a great coworker that I worked with and he knew my current boss – so we talked about the job and the requirements and he asked if I wanted him to call on my behalf. So he did and whatever was said in that conversation about me was instrumental in helping me land the job. And it was because I took the time to get to know my coworker and we had formed a relationship based on more than our day to day responsibilities.

Don't think you’re a shoe in. – Go into a job interview with everything you have. Even if you think you the best candidate act like you are not, but show them that you will work hard and do what is asked of you.

Do something for someone that can never repay you – this one is one of my favorites. Because in doing so you can change someone’s life forever. It happened to me. I had sent my resume off to a city manager in the Houston area and he ended up not being able to hire for the position I was looking at so he forwarded my resume to another city manager and said I wish I could hire her but it’s not the right timing – hope she works out for you. The city manager he sent my resume to is my current boss. I can never do anything to repay a man that I’ve never met that changed my life but I can pay it forward. I can do the same thing for someone else and hopefully mold their future for the better.

Authenticity to self – Be who you are. Embrace that – and it will lead you into the future. Never be afraid to be who you are – I know that sounds cliché or scary but it’s true. It’s never gotten me anywhere pretending to be something I’m not. One of my favorite quotes says this:

A company or a team needs to be constantly rejuvenated by the infusion of young blood. It needs young people with the imagination and the guts to turn everything upside down if they can. It also needs old fogies to keep them from turning upside down those things that ought to be right side up. Above all, it needs young rebels and old conservatives who can work together, challenge each other’s values, yield or hold fast with equal grace, and continue after each hard-fought battle to respect each other – Building Community

Actively pursue what you love- attend seminars, learn something, invest in who you are, don’t ever stop learning. There will always be something new that you will fall in love with.

Passion is a lot like fire, when contained it can provide light warmth, mystery, and beauty, but left out of control it can cause destruction and damage, both personal and external. – Christine Fluter-Brown

Not to be afraid of failure – Things may not work out the way we envision and there are many uncontrollable decisions along the way, but true growth comes from adversity. – Michelle Fitzgerald

This one is tough because as much as you don’t want to fail it will happen. And when it does learn from it. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. You might get some bumps and bruises along the way but you will learn. I remember one time when I worked here I missed a deadline for a grant application and I was so upset. I’m pretty sure I sat in Sarah’s office and I cried. She was obviously disappointed because it meant that we would have to wait until the next grant period to apply but she was gracious and reminded me that it wouldn’t be the first and it wouldn’t be the last time. It will happen and all the preparing in the world will never make it any easier.

Help your employees to succeed – I’ve been very lucky with all of my bosses to have been blessed by people who not only want to better themselves but also their employees. Sarah Reid was my very first boss out of college and I have to say I learned so much from her on how to help the people around me. To find their strengths and showcase them, to find their weaknesses and help them work on them. There’s nothing more encouraging then to know that the people you work with on a daily basis want you to succeed and will do anything to make that happen. Even in my last position in Sugar Land my boss knew from day one that I wanted to be a city manager someday and helped to position me in situations, meetings or by joining committees to help me reach that goal. Because of her vision I was asked to be part of a lunch time book club of influential women in the organization led by our assistant city manager. I have an intern now in Willis and I do everything I can to position him to succeed and I hope that I can have an impact like my bosses have had on me.

Lead by example – To lead it, you’ve got to live it. Show up early, stay late, pick up trash. More is caught then taught.When we opened the rec center we had part time staff and in the beginning we needed to show them how to run the front – so all of us full time staff would rotate out up front. We knew they were watching so we answered the phones the way we wanted them to, we checked logs, did court checks.  And eventually they understand what we were asking from them.

Integrity - Our character really comes through when we are faced with challenges and others are always watching, what would you want your actions to say about you, and how do you want to be remembered?  - Michelle Fitzgerald

​I always tell my staff integrity is what you do when no one is looking. When your boss isn’t around how do you treat the kids? Is it the same or different? Or when you are at the pool and it’s easier to lay out and tan instead of watch the campers what do you do? How you act when no one is looking speaks volumes for your character. I’ve learned over the years that your name means a lot – it means a lot when it comes up in conversations and someone says do you know so and so? Everything you’ve worked for stands in that perception and hopefully the person will say I do! And I love working with them because of reasons X, Y, and Z. Remember that long after you leave a job or a city your name and what you’ve done will linger – make sure your message is inspiring.

Earlier I told you don't give up on your dreams. I warned you that they might turn out completely different then you expected. I guess I say those things because I've lived them. Because at one point my dreams looked completely differentthan they do today.

In 2007 I graduated from college and that fall I started as an intern here in the great city of Reedley. I worked hard and I learned a lot. In February of 2008 I was offered my first full time job in the same city I had interned for. I remember the day Sarah called to offer me the job and I thought life can't get any better than this. And for 2.5 years I worked and learned andfailed. I tried new programs and new ideas. I learned as I spent more time working in city government that I enjoyed learning about how it all worked. And I knew then I would love to be a Parks and Recreation Director and my long term goal was to be a city manager someday – which is why I decided to go back to school in the fall of 2008.

In the midst of my first job out of college and graduate school the recession hit me square in the face. At the age of 25, a year into a 30 year mortgage I received my layoff notice from the city in May of 2010. I can honestly say that the last two months on the job were devastating. I always thought if I ever left it would be on my terms not someone else's. But instead I left, with no clear picture of my future or what was around the corner. I was scared and unsure and fearful of what lie ahead. I started applying to any job I could get my hand on and I remember the first one, a part time position in northern California for teens and skate parks. I honestly thought I had the job and then I got my rejection letter. It turned out to be the first of many and I would spend the next six months sending out over 50 job applications all over the country. These cities included places like  

Tahoe City, CA

North Bend, WA
Rockwall, TX
Golden, CO
Richland County, MT
Bellevue, WI

I got several interviews, and sometimes second interviews but was always told no. At this point family and friends encouraged me to look into other fields, and told me with the recession maybe it was time to give up on my dream of parks and recreation.

That fall I was attempting to finish my grad school comprehensive exams, when the city of Sugar Land called and offered me a second interview in Texas. I remember standing outside the library at Fresno State calling my Grandma and asking if my Christmas present could be a flight to Texas the week of Christmas. She said yes if that's what I wanted. I also remember her asking if it was worth the risk? And in that moment it was. I had nothing to stand on except this open door God had laid before me and my faith. So I flew to Texas with a 1 in 4 chance of being selected as their new athletics/aquaticscoordinator. I remember driving in from the airport and realizing there was a 25% chance that I might be living in the 4th largest city in the USA soon.

On the day I received my last unemployment check I got the job offer and two weeks into January of 2011 I was to be in Texas. I was going to help open the city’s first recreation center as the Athletics/Aquatics Coordinator. So I packed what I could fit in my Toyota, brought my best friend along with me and moved to Texas. Moving and starting over is never easy. But moving to another state takes courage – everything is different. People act different, say different things, and even common practices in the field you are working in are completely different. These are the moments that I’ve realized we must embrace change. I fought loving Texas for a long time because at the end of the day it wasn’t California. But I’ve realized over the years that even if it isn’t the state that I grew up in it’s an amazing place. Filled with new opportunities, new people and a whole laundry list of things that make it unique. And over the last 4 years it has become home. I was part of a team of 5 that successfully opened the city of sugar land’s first recreation center running athletics/aquatics first and then transitioning into leisure classes and camps. I absolutely loved being able to watch a once empty building turn into a hub for kids to come and learn new things at camp or a group of middle aged men relive their glory days in our men’s basketball league.

All along most had always known that I wanted the chances for advancement within parks and recreation but also inmunicipal government in general. I interviewed for the senior center manager position and didn’t get it. I interviewed for the admin manager position in public works and didn’t get it. Don’t get me wrong – I  loved my job and enjoyed it but I also wanted to seek out every possible opportunity. It’s never easy dealing with rejection – I said earlier not to assume you are a shoe in because trust me in these two cases I thought for sure they would promote from within and I had to be the most qualified candidate. But God had other plans for me. Right around thanksgiving of this last year I got an email from the HR director in a small city north of Houston saying that they had been forwarded my resume third party and were curious if I would be interested in applying for the Assistant City Manager position responsible for Economic and Community Development. Now obviously if you’ve been paying attention at all you know that besides an MPA degree my passion and focus and experience has been in parks and recreation. I had no clue about economic development! I honestly thought the first time I read it had to be spam. Some cruel joke. I showed my boss and the first thing she said was this: “Please tell me you are going to apply for that?” And so I did. And then I panicked. I had absolutely no experience in economic development. But I trusted God and this open door and I went for my interview. I was upfront and honest and shared with them my background and told them even though I had no experience in economic development but I would work hard and learn. And that’s exactly what I did. The learning curve has been long but I’m working every day to better myself. I read the state codes almost on a daily basis, learning about what I can’t do so that I don’t go to jail. I’ve made friends and contacts that have been in the business longer then I and I’ve been lucky enough to be mentored by a seasoned vet with years of experience in tax abatements, and deal closing. Even though every day is different and some days are harder than others I keep putting one foot in front of the other because I know more than anything I want to leave my mark on Southeast Texas, and make sure the community is better than I found it.

So in closing let me say this: there is always a plan. It might not be the plan you laid out but there is always a plan and in most cases it's better than anything you can imagine. 

It has been almost 4 years ago to the day I walked out of those front doors, with no job, no income, nothing but my faith to see me through. And now I get the amazing chance to stand up here with you today to tell you this- don't give up on your dreams. No matter what. It will be worth it and it will be wonderful and along the way you will meet some amazing people that will guide your path. Lean on them, work hard, and whatever you do- believe in yourself. Life is best lived outside of your comfort zone.